


EROS ; Sexual Love

by Mistehri



Series: 「 Diegesis 」: Homage to Soonyoung & Jihoon [6]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Broken Engagement, Director Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Engagement, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Idol Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Minor Character Death, Other, Promises, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:15:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 51,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mistehri/pseuds/Mistehri
Summary: Lee Jihoon is a director well known for his brutal demeanor and harsh ways of directing, and Kwon Soonyoung is a rising star in the industry looking for someone to direct his comeback song, “Light a Flame.” Looking for a director wouldn’t have been so difficult if they weren’t ex-boyfriends, and through lots of sexual tension and unresolved conflicts, one of them is bound to break...but not in the way you thinkorIdol Soonyoung and director Jihoon meeting for a commercial shooting. The catch? They’re exes.(The longer version of “This is EROS”)
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Series: 「 Diegesis 」: Homage to Soonyoung & Jihoon [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1394980
Comments: 89
Kudos: 198





	1. Lights, Camera, Action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon needs some anger management classes with a little bit of love ♡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, ate Eliana! I hope you spend this day happily with your family and friends, and I hope you have a great day ahead of you ♡ I love you and your works, so thank you for always blessing us with wonderful stories (even though hilig ka sa angst :,) hehe.) Thank you for always making me smile and laugh with your karupukan, and thank you for always supporting me and my works. I wish you the best day today, huhuhu. Love is you, ate! ♡
> 
> Okay, back to this fic, hehe. This was not supposed to have more than one chapter but I guess it has more than one chapter :,) You can’t rush inspiration, I guess, huhuhu. This was only supposed to have 10k words ;~; Oh well.
> 
> Enjoy reading! ❤

“What do you mean you accepted his offer?!”

 _This cannot be happening,_ Jihoon thinks to himself, rubbing his hands over his face. He can feel a vein threatening to pop from his temple, and it definitely does not help that his co-director is staying so calm sitting in front of him in the midst of it all. It makes him look like a complete lunatic. He feels crazy. _This absolutely cannot be happening. This must be some sort of fever dream or something. I must be dreaming. There is simply no other explanation for this._

Here’s the thing about Lee Jihoon: anyone who’s had the pleasure of working underneath him would know that when he’s angry, you better hope that you’re not the cause of it, or you can pay him an arm and a leg, and maybe even your brain if you’re really that brainless to piss him off. It goes without saying that once you enter his realm of brutal criticisms (read: insults) and harsh ways of directing, you better expect that the chances of you getting fired on your first day of working for him are pretty high. It’s either you learn to deal with his grumpy attitude or you go home crying and having post trauma from your experience working there.

It’s not like Jihoon _wants_ to be mad anyway. As if his grumpy day to day attitude wasn’t enough for the world to handle, he’s also been cursed with a very short temper and a hot head. There were very few — _very few_ — people who actually knew how _not_ to push his buttons, but even then, those people are very rare and came like a once in a lifetime opportunity, so it’s only reasonable of him to be angry all the time if no one is there to make him happy.

And there once _was_ someone who could make him happy, but that someone walked out of his life before he could get a chance to say a proper goodbye. So maybe he’s been carrying years’ worth of hurt and pain on his shoulders but he would never admit that to anyone. Nobody knows the real reason why he decided to become so cold over the years and he prefers it to be that way. The less people there are to annoy him about it, the more he doesn’t have to think about it.

Truthfully speaking though, the only person Jihoon can trust with his personal life is his ass of a co-director, Jeon Wonwoo. As infuriatingly calm as Wonwoo is in situations where Jihoon is the complete opposite, Wonwoo has done a great deal of taking Jihoon’s mind off of things without having to mention anything about his personal life.

Jihoon appreciates Wonwoo in that aspect, most of the time at least.

They met in high school when Jihoon had decided that music production was definitely not something that could keep him stable in the future. While he loved music and still loves it to this day, he’s learned to fall in love with production in a different sense — in the film industry this time. He’d only been learning about the techniques of camera work when he began to fall in love with everything film related, and his love has certainly been shown in all his films, most of which have been nominated for big awards such as the Academy Awards and the Critics’ Choice Movie Awards.

He and Wonwoo have worked together numerous times for various projects, all of which they’ve aced and gotten recognition for, and when it was finally time for them to move onto university, they nearly got in with flying colors after numerous recommendations from their professors. Of course, the only thing that stopped them from getting straight into university was the tuition, most of which was paid by scholarships, but now Jihoon doesn’t have to worry about money.

What he _does_ have to worry about though, is exposing himself to Wonwoo. Wonwoo, who’s been with him for eight years and counting. Wonwoo, who’s been there to see every side of Jihoon and been with him through every thick and thin, but the only Wonwoo he’s worried about is the Wonwoo who doesn’t know the cause of the breakup of his past relationship.

Jihoon isn’t the most organized of people. In fact, he’s a lot more chaotic than most people would think of him. Many people think that just because he’s got many award-winning films, he’d be more organized in his schedule in order to direct them, but truthfully he’s just like any other adult just trying to make it through life — messy, uncoordinated, and going with the flow of things and making it seem like he has everything under control.

Soonyoung wasn’t quite the most orderly of people, but he certainly made Jihoon feel like he’s got his life put together. Their time spent together was quite a while actually, right around the time Jihoon had started to trust Wonwoo. It’s just a shame that Jihoon’s life fell apart again four years ago.

Their breakup was quite messy actually, messier than Jihoon could’ve ever imagined. He didn’t even _think_ they were going to break up in the first place, but misunderstandings and no communication can lead to a great amount of damage. Jihoon supposes he should’ve done a better job at hiding things. That, or he should’ve just revealed to Soonyoung what he’s been trying to do behind his back, but there’s no longer a chance for him to go back to what they were before. It’s too late now.

There’s some part of Jihoon that wishes every single cell of his body could just put the blame on Soonyoung, for leaving him when he shouldn’t have, for staying to listen instead of leaving out the door the moment he could. He supposes though, that in some way, he’s also at fault for being the cause of their breakup. He’s never been good at communicating, and he’s even worse at expressing his feelings — or trying to, at least. In some twisted, sick fate of theirs, perhaps they were truly never meant to be together.

Jihoon tries not to think about it, but he can’t deny the pang in his heart when he does so.

It took Jihoon three months to recover from the heartache of it all, and ever since their breakup, he’s managed to build up walls around his heart again in fear of going through the same thing. While it’s not the most ideal of circumstances to be going through, it’s what works best for his fragile heart, and he’s not willing to go through that same pain he felt when he foolishly waited for Soonyoung to come back to him like the lovestruck fool he is. _Was._

As a result of building up the walls around his heart, it’s inevitable he would end up being a pain to work with from how cold he’s gotten, and Jihoon _knows_ he’s a pain to work with. Ever since Soonyoung left, he’s become more wary of the way he acts around other people, afraid to stray too far away from a goodbye. In a way, he thinks he’s gotten too conscious of himself to the point where he’s become a perfectionist. The ever so growing perfectionist inside him has gradually begun to earn him the title of the Cold Hearted, and some former employees of his have even filed reviews under his past films vowing to never work with him again in fear of facing his wrath. 

At this point of his successful career, Jihoon learned to ignore what other people say about him, because no matter what he says or does, everything about him is going to be scrutinized in one way or another now that he’s a public figure. He doesn’t have time to be dealing with a bunch of idiots who think they have the power to ruin his career. As long as he keeps the wall built around his heart, he thinks he can make it a long way. If he’s got people complaining about him, at least they’re paying attention to what he does. 

It’s in times like these however, where he wishes he could go _past_ his already brutal demeanor, because now he’s just pissed off to the max, to the point where he wishes he could be pissed off some more. It’s also in times like these where he wishes Wonwoo didn’t know so much about him either, because now it seems like his co-director is just taking advantage of that knowledge. 

“What the hell do you mean you accepted his offer?!” Jihoon exclaims through gritted teeth, looking up from the storyboard to aim a glare at his co-director, who’s sitting leisurely on the chaise lounge across from him. “Let me get this fucking straight, Wonwoo. You’re telling me...Hong Joshua — my ex’s manager — sent you a draft for said ex’s upcoming music video _two weeks ago,_ you looked it over _without_ letting me know you met up with them already, and you _accepted_ the fucking offer without telling me?! And we’re due to start shooting said music video _next week?!”_

Wonwoo doesn’t even flinch at all his yelling, nor does he bat an eye either. Instead, he lays back against the chaise lounge and flips through the papers on his clipboard as though he has the _right._ “Yes,” he says plainly, not even bothering to look at Jihoon. “Is there a problem with that?”

Jihoon leans forward slowly and reaches up to pinch the bridge of his nose. He so desperately wants to slap Wonwoo but for the sake of his own sanity and his depleting energy, he decides not to. He has better things to waste his time on, and he definitely won’t waste it on one Jeon Wonwoo, no matter how much he gets on his nerves.

“Wonwoo,” he hisses, voice heavy and body feeling even more so. “You _know_ what’s wrong.”

He catches movement from the corner of his eye and he whips his head towards his door at his unwelcomed audience — his production crew — trying to eavesdrop and peek in on their conversation through his office windows. They all scuttle like roaches and disappear from the windows like lightning, quickly busying themselves with other tasks, terrified. The audacity some people have. Jihoon should just fire them all right now.

“You are a menace, Wonwoo,” he growls, returning his glare to his friend. Can he even call him a friend at this point? “I can’t believe you’d backstab me like that. I should just fire you right now.”

Wonwoo remains unfazed, flipping through the storyboard papers without a care in the world. “Go ahead and fire me,” he says, unperturbed, and his calm demeanor only pisses Jihoon off even more. “I wish you luck finding a new co-director to help you when you’re already juggling two commercial shootings next week and another music video shooting after.”

“Fuck you,” Jihoon spits back. He hates how he can’t think of anything clever to say. “Seriously, Jeon. Fuck. You.”

“You’d rather be fucking Soonyoung, I’m sure,” comes Wonwoo’s ever so witty reply. 

Growling, Jihoon clenches his fist tight around his pen and kicks his leg a little, unable to hold still. “Don’t even start, I’ve gone four years already without ever thinking of that idiot, and you have absolutely no right to make me think about him again, do you hear me?! I want you to cancel it! Tell them we’ve got some last minute booking, or we’re not going through with the plans because we’re already scheduled for three filmings that same week — I don’t care what you do! Just cancel it so we don't have to meet up with them!”

Wonwoo finally sits up again and raises his eyes to meet Jihoon’s. “That’s rather unprofessional of you, Jihoon,” Wonwoo says calmly. “This is immature of you, you are aware of that, right?” 

“You backstabbed me!” Jihoon exclaims pettily, trying to defend what’s left of his pride. He rubs the rings on his ring finger absentmindedly, an unconscious habit he’s formed ever since Soonyoung left him. “I have a right to act this way when you didn’t even tell me — ”

“Tell you what?” Wonwoo cuts him off, eyes suddenly sharp behind his round glasses. Jihoon _hates_ that. “Tell you that it would be inevitable that you and Soonyoung would meet again considering he and his team have been searching for a director that specializes in intimate concepts — ”

“My concept is _not_ about intimacy — ”

“I don’t give a fuck,” Wonwoo says with a huff, and Jihoon crosses his arms indignantly. “My point is you can’t keep running away from him forever. You’re gonna have to face him sooner or later. Face it, Jihoon. Besides, shouldn’t it be easier for you two to work together considering his concept will be something _similar_ to what you specialize in? Nobody else specializes in that concept the way you do.”

It’s a flattering compliment, but Jihoon would be a fool to acknowledge it. Wonwoo is trying to get him to play his game, and he’s sorry to say it but he’s not going to participate in it no matter how much he wants to prove Wonwoo wrong. He’s been too busy and _way_ too successful to let something as unimportant as his failed relationship get in his way, and he’s not about to let it get to him by the voice of one Jeon Wonwoo.

“I don’t care,” he says stubbornly. “Call him and tell him I refuse to work with him. He can find someone else to direct his video, but it won’t be me.”

Wonwoo sighs deeply. “I’m not trying to imply that working with him will make old feelings resurface, Jihoon. I just think it’s a good opportunity to rekindle with him and get a chance to light that flame between you two, platonically speaking.” Jihoon shoots him another glare. “You did tell me your breakup was a little messy and that you never got proper closure, and you both probably left the relationship with ill feelings, but this will be your chance to get that closure you finally deserve.” 

That “deserve” almost makes Jihoon give in. _Almost._ Wonwoo is a clever man, and Jihoon can only hope he’ll be able to outsmart him.

“It was clear he didn’t care to get closure when we broke up,” Jihoon says harshly. “What’s over between us is over. There is no flame to rekindle. I’m done with his ass, and I’ll definitely be done with yours if you don’t cancel the fucking filming with him.”

At this point of his career, he doesn’t have the time nor the energy to be putting himself in a relationship. Ever since his breaking with Soonyoung, he’s been swamping himself with work behind the cameras, only managing to get in two flings before he decided he had better things to do with his life. Producing movies and pouring his everything into his works have been the only constant in his life ever since he and Soonyoung parted ways, and he’s not about to make that constant _unconstant._

“Canceling the filming will be so last minute though,” Wonwoo tries. “Why don’t you just give him a chance to — ”

“I said I don’t give a fuck about him anymore,” Jihoon interrupts him snarkily. “Tell him it’s canceled or I’m seriously going to fire your ass, Jeon Wonwoo. You were the one who accepted to work with them without telling me, and now you will be the one to break it to them that we refuse to work with them.” 

“No, _you_ are the only one who’s refusing to work with them,” Wonwoo says, matter of factly. “Ask your whole crew, Jihoon. Everyone is on board with the idea already.”

Jihoon quirks an eyebrow. “What do you mean everyone is on board with the idea?”

“Go ahead and ask anyone in your crew,” Wonwoo says confidently. “They’re all gonna say they agreed to it beforehand. Why do you think they were all trying to eavesdrop on our conversation? They wanted to see your oh so scary reaction.”

“You mean to tell me they knew about this arrangement before I did?!” Jihoon exclaims incredulously.

Wonwoo smirks. “I told everyone already,” he says. “Jeonghan-hyung is even making budget plans and scheduling out the plan for that week. At this point, you have no choice but to go through with whatever we’re putting down for you, Jihoon.”

Jihoon clenches his hands into fists, jaw clenching in annoyance. “Who gave you the right to boss me around like this?”

Wonwoo’s answer is quick and a little comedic had Jihoon not been so angry. “You when you asked me to be your co-director and keep you in check so you wouldn’t scare off our clients with how angry you are all the time.”

Jihoon huffs. “That still doesn’t give you the right to interfere with my personal life like that.”

“We’ve been friends for eight years now, Jihoon,” Wonwoo deadpans. “I think I know almost everything about you except for whatever happened to your failed relationship. If you were truly over Soonyoung, you wouldn’t be so mad at me for mentioning him, no? Either you tell me what happened and I’ll tell Jeonghan to cancel the whole filming and tell them we’re booked as of late, or you don’t tell me what happened and we’ll continue on with the filming regardless.”

Jihoon lets out a louder huff. “We fought, he left, that’s it. There’s nothing else to say.”

Wonwoo stares at him for a moment, then two, then sits up and picks up his clipboard with a sigh, pushing his glasses up. “Well, in that case, you can say hello to your ex sooner than you expected. I was lying about us supposedly filming next week.” His lips curl up devilishly. “We’re filming _tomorrow.”_

Jihoon’s mouth drops open in disbelief. “T-Tomorrow?! What the _fuck_ do you mean tomorrow?!”

Wonwoo grins at him. “I lied about the filming taking place next week,” he repeats, as though he has the _right_ to act calm and casual in a situation like this. “Hong Joshua called in two weeks ago — that part I _didn’t_ lie about, but the thing I didn’t tell you was that they’re under a really tight schedule, so we’re due to start working with them by tomorrow to fix up all the messy bits of the concept and start filming.”

Jihoon feels a little lightheaded and he leans back in his chair, rubbing the bridge of his nose between his pointer finger and thumb. Dear god, everything is happening way too quickly for him to wrap his brain around.

“Okay, wait, just — _wait,”_ he groans, feeling a headache coming on. “Can you, like, _please_ tell me if Jeonghan-hyung already came up with the schedule because there’s no way in _fuck_ am I going to dive head first into a project that I have no idea about. Was Jeonghan-hyung budgeting everything out and scheduling out the plans also a lie?”

“No,” Wonwoo chuckles. “He’s been planning everything out since he got word of this arrangement, so fortunately for you, the scheduling has already been handled. You just need to go over the list of shots you want for the scenes you’ve envisioned.”

“What do you mean fortunately for me?!” Jihoon cries out. “This is anything _but_ fortunate! What the hell were you thinking accepting this offer without consulting me about it first?!”

Wonwoo ignores him. “Like I said, Hong Joshua sent the drafts to us two weeks ago, and within that time period, I met up with the rest of the film crew to corroborate with them and confirm the ideas and drafts our conceptual artists and screenwriters were drawing out for us beforehand. We sent them back to Soonyoung’s company and the higher ups have already approved all of them, so now we’re set to start filming like I’ve been telling you for the nth time. So yes, we’re all set and ready to start filming. All _you_ have to do now is get your shit together.”

Jihoon still doesn’t feel any better than he did before. “Oh god,” he mutters under his breath. “Oh god, I’m gonna pass out.”

Like usual, Wonwoo doesn’t seem to give two fucks. “If you’re truly over Soonyoung like you say you are, you wouldn’t be so affected by this,” he says, matter-of-factly. “You’d treat him like any normal client and direct his music video as you usually do with our hundreds of other clients. Judging by your reaction though, you really aren’t over him.”

“I am over him!” Jihoon says furiously, heated.

Wonwoo quirks an eyebrow. “Then what’s the problem?”

“Wonwoo, we’re fucking _exes!”_ Jihoon exclaims, and he’s really damn close to wanting to rip his hair out. “What about that do you not understand?!”

“And I don’t understand what _you_ don’t understand about you supposedly saying you’re over said ex but now you’re overreacting over having to work with him,” Wonwoo shoots back easily. “Are you proving me right, Jihoon? Are you really over your ex, or are you just saying that to try and deflect what you’re really feeling inside, which is that you still _do_ have feelings for Soonyoung?”

Jihoon growls at Wonwoo, clenching his fists. “I. do. not.”

“Then prove it to me tomorrow,” Wonwoo says, standing up from the chaise lounge. “Prove to me that you can treat Kwon Soonyoung like you do with the rest of our other clients. Prove to me that you don’t have any more feelings for him or I will be forced to take drastic measures.”

Jihoon watches him tilt his head at him, and he can feel his eye twitching at the smug expression on Wonwoo’s face. Why Jihoon thought they make a great team is beyond him, because it’s in times like these where he just wants to snatch Wonwoo’s paycheck and rip it into pieces. The absolute _nerve_ he has to be doing this to him. It makes Jihoon’s blood boil just thinking about it.

Wonwoo opens his mouth, then seems to have second thoughts. There’s a scary glint in his eye when he speaks, “Oh, and Jihoon?”

“What?” the director grits out.

“I know you still have feelings for Soonyoung,” Wonwoo says, staring him straight in the eye. “You wouldn’t be wearing your engagement rings otherwise.”

“Fuck you,” Jihoon curses, throwing his pen against the wall and causing bits to shatter everywhere. Wonwoo doesn’t even flinch. “Fuck you, Jeon Wonwoo. Fuck you.” 

“Get ready by 10 a.m. sharp tomorrow,” is all Wonwoo says. “Jeonghan-hyung will round up our crew by then. I better see you there to direct, Jihoon, or I’ll tell Soonyoung what you’re wearing there on your fingers.”

With that, he spins on his heels, leaves the office and closes the door behind him, leaving Jihoon to seethe in the uncomfortable silence of his office. 

He goes to run his hand through his hair, but his eyes stubbornly catch onto the glinting on his ring finger. All of a sudden, he feels his anger vanish into something more bitter and he purses his lips, something foggy clouding in his chest and making him feel heated. It’s hot but it’s not angry. It’s more...frustrated instead, annoyed. His heart is pounding too quickly for him to be comfortable. 

In an attempt to calm down, he lets out a long sigh, and it’s like the fogginess in his chest has been released. Something drops. He’s not too sure what it is, but it definitely isn’t a nice feeling. 

“I’m over you,” he whispers to himself, clenching his hand into a fist to admire the way the rings glint on his finger. “I’m over you, I swear.”

He rubs a hand over his face and leans back in his chair, staring at the papers on his desk absentmindedly.

“So why do I still feel so empty even after all these years?”

—

It’s around 9:30 a.m. when Jihoon finds himself arriving on the set with a steaming cup of coffee in his hand and his folder containing the shot list in another. He scans the warehouse cautiously, eyes flickering over the different sets being constructed and the new faces he’s going to have to work with. He can feel his heartbeat rising the more he tries to look out for a certain someone, but relief and disappointment floods through him when he catches Wonwoo waving him over from the seats. There’s no Soonyoung in sight, and he doesn’t know if he should be relieved or not.

He’d spent the rest of his night listening to what Wonwoo had sent him over text, which was supposed to be the demo version of Soonyoung’s song. Oh goodness, was Jihoon speechless when he first heard it. Soonyoung’s voice had gotten raspier than the last time he heard it, a little more nasally as well but that’s what made it unique. His voice — as embarrassed as Jihoon is to say it — made him tingle in all the right places, and he had to take a break from listening just so he could put ink to paper to write down all his ideas, inspiration blooming in his mind and chest feeling as though it had been lit on fire.

He barely had time to sketch out the shots he envisioned for the music video, but his color palette was fortunately ready to skyrocketing. He imagined hues of red and oranges, all seductive colors that’ll truly enhance the sex appeal of the music video. He also imagined some hints of brown and black as well, all dark and intimidating, but it will definitely give off that Eros appeal he wants to come to life.

Walking over to Wonwoo, he greets his co-director with a gruff, “Good morning,” and takes a sip out of his coffee cup, relaxing in the bitterness that floods his mouth. “What’s the plan today?”

Wonwoo smirks at him but doesn’t say anything furthermore to dampen his mood. “We’ll start whenever you’re ready,” he says, a teasing lilt in his tone. “We’ll direct as needed for three hours and go over the shots you’ve had in mind with the director of photography. We should be finished with the first thirty seconds of the music video by 1 o’clock, so we can take an hour break for lunch. The catering team already thought of something to eat beforehand, so don’t worry about that.” 

“What’s lunch?”

“I believe it’s pig’s feet and seaweed soup,” Wonwoo answers, then continues on without a hitch, “After lunch, we’ll go straight back into directing for the next six hours, so we should be finished by 9 p.m. today. Stretch time would be 11 p.m.”

Jihoon sighs and sets his folder down on his chair. They were gonna have to work quicker than he thought if he wants to catch up on some good night’s sleep tonight. He can still feel the lethargy seeping into his bones, having to wake up at an unruly time of 8 in the morning just to work on a film he never even knew he accepted in the first place.

“How do you want to cover the shoot?” Wonwoo asks, gesturing to the set. “We can have the camera operators and gaffers set up the equipment already so it won’t be in the filming.”

“We’ll set everything how we normally do,” Jihoon says. “Cameras and lighting will take up the space of two walls so the set we want will be shown best on camera, and we’ll be able to gather more footage that way.”

“And what part do you want us to finish by the time we’re done with lunch?”

“At least the first chorus,” Jihoon says, glancing over his list of shots. “The hardest thing about this will be trying to get the lighting to match up with the mood. I don’t want it too dark that it shadows his features, but I also don’t want it too light that it gives off a different vibe.” He clicks his tongue. “Where’s Mingyu? I need to tell him what I have planned and make sure we’re on the same page.”

“You do that,” Wonwoo chuckles. “Don’t scare him so much, please. I don’t want to have to cuddle with him tonight just so he doesn’t have to think about you and whatever harsh words you’ve been saying to him.”

Jihoon makes a face and grabs his folder. “You two truly disgust me. I hope you know that.” 

Wonwoo waves a hand at him dismissively. “We know and we’re proud.”

Jihoon lets out a groan and spins on his heel, trying to get the disturbing image of Wonwoo cuddling Mingyu out of his head. It’s a little surreal how the two ended up together but that’s a story Jihoon would rather not recall and would rather _not_ remember. He gets second-hand embarrassment every time.

Jihoon makes his way across the warehouse and walks towards where all the equipment is. He ignores all the polite bows his crew give him, eyes sharply scanning his surroundings just in case he so happens to make contact with a certain someone. Ignorance is bliss, and that’s been his saying for four years now. He doesn’t have to waste his breath on worthless things, especially things he shouldn’t be caring about anymore.

He spots Mingyu adjusting some settings on his camera, the tall giant having to bend his back a little just to see the viewfinder and adjust it to his liking. Jihoon makes his way over and stands in front of him expectantly, folding his arms across his chest and watching Mingyu do whatever he needs to do.

“Are we all set?” he asks, and Mingyu jumps, whipping his head at him like a deer caught in headlights. “We need to be firm on what the vibe should be for this music video.”

“Hey, hyung,” Mingyu greets him, as though he ignored whatever Jihoon just said. He turns the knob on the camera and pats it twice, looking pleased with himself. “This baby’s ready for the shooting.” Jihoon makes another face at that. “Anyway, what did you have in mind for the music video? Sexy? Dark? Intimate?”

“Eros,” Jihoon says, matter-of-factly. 

Mingyu chuckles. “Of course. What else was I expecting?” He adjusts the angle of the camera again. “What color scheme did you want?”

Jihoon gazes out onto the set, visualizing everything in his head as he thinks. “I want it to be, like, a fiery reddish-orange,” he says, opening his folder and taking out his list of shots to give to Mingyu. He points at some of the boxes on the paper as he speaks, demonstrating the scenes he thinks would suit best with what he envisions. “During the beginning, the opening lighting should be reddish-orange. I was thinking of having silhouette lighting in the chorus bit.”

“A silhouette lighting, huh?” Mingyu muses, eyes skimming over the paper. “We don’t usually use that for music videos.”

Jihoon purses his lips. “Soonyoung’s at that point of his career where the general public already know who he is. He doesn’t have to worry about hiding his face in a dark lighting.”

Mingyu raises an eyebrow. “So you’ve been keeping up with his career?”

Jihoon pauses, taking a moment to realize what he’d just revealed. He opens his mouth then closes it again, and he sees Mingyu’s lips curl up devilishly. Jihoon scowls in annoyance.

“I do _not,”_ he says stiffly. “I need inspiration for my own shoots, so of course I have to keep up with films like that.”

“So technically, you’re saying he’s your inspiration?”

Jihoon growls at him and Mingyu cackles shamelessly. God, this is so embarrassing, how he can feel his ears turning hot. He would never admit it because it’s not true in the slightest. Nope. Not even the tiniest bit of it is true.

“Anyway,” Jihoon says curtly, ignoring Mingyu’s snicker. “I was thinking of a silhouette shot during the chorus bit, then we can transition to hues of brown and black when the bridge comes. I don’t want a gradual change in color. It should be abrupt and dramatic. Do you understand?”

“Loud and clear, captain,” Mingyu says, even saluting him. “Maybe flashes of white light might enhance that abrupt change of color you want? We also have a chance to change the lighting later during the editing process, so we don’t have to go _too_ harshly on the lighting now — ”

“No, it’s either we get it near perfect during this filming session or we keep trying until it _is_ near perfect,” Jihoon snaps. “All or nothing, Kim Mingyu.”

Mingyu sighs and raises his hands in surrender. “Fine, all or nothing. Take it or leave it. What kind of lighting did you have in mind for the ending then? Or did you just want to have it the same reddish-orange hue as the beginning?”

“Definitely the same reddish-orange hue,” Jihoon says, nodding approvingly, “but I want the lights to flicker. Not quite like a shutter effect but more like the lights are broken. The type of flickering lights you see in horror movies. I think it’ll give a beautiful eerie effect.”

Mingyu nods attentively. “We’ll work hard to make your vision come true, hyung. Don’t you worry your hot potato head about a thing!”

Jihoon scowls, muttering a grumpy, “Whatever,” and stalks away to get ready for the shooting. “Alright, everyone! Get into your positions! We’ll begin shooting in ten minutes!”

Ignoring the sudden chaos swirling around him at the order, Jihoon sets off to go back to the other side of the warehouse to unite with Wonwoo. Unaware that a pair of eyes are latched onto his body, he keeps heading to his destination until someone rushes past him and bumps into him, causing him to drop his folder on the floor.

“What the fuck,” he curses out loud, head whipping up like lightning to glare harshly at his employee. Said employee only stares at him for a split second before he turns around and dashes away with his tail tucked between his legs. “Fucking asshole,” Jihoon mutters underneath his breath, mood even more ruined than it was before. “People need to learn how to fucking apologize around here, holy fuck.”

Bending down and reaching out, he goes to grab for his folder when another hand grabs it for him. 

“Here,” a voice says kindly.

Jihoon takes it with a hesitant, appreciative nod. “Thanks,” he mumbles, raising his eyes to meet —

His breath hitches.

Soonyoung gives him a kind, if not awkward, smile. “Hi, Jihoon,” he says. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” He lets out a laugh, trying to ease the sudden tense air between them.

Jihoon always had a habit of staring at things — pretty things, to be more specific. He supposes his interest in staring at things has been derived from his love for film. The visual aspect, the aesthetics, the lightning, the colors — he’s always had a thing for staring at the beautiful aspect of it.

When he was still together with Soonyoung, he found himself doing the same thing to him as he did with pretty things — staring. He won’t ever lie, even now that they’ve broken up, but Soonyoung has always been quite a sight for sore eyes. He’s attractive like that, being so casual without knowing everyone’s eyes are on him. His physique is also perfect for his career, and his physique _now_ would really help get the filming done beautifully. That, or it would take longer considering Jihoon feels like he can’t even _breathe_ from how _different_ Soonyoung looks now.

In a good way.

In a _terribly_ good way.

 _Oh dear,_ Jihoon thinks faintly, trying to decipher whether or not this is real. _Oh dear. What the fuck._

Soonyoung looks _fucking_ good. Styled beautifully in a mesh shirt with a loose blouse tucked into a wrap belt, and leather pants that hug his thighs snugly. He’s wearing gray contact lenses, his red hair falling into his eyes and giving his whole look a smoldering effect. The stylists have really done wonders on him and once again, Jihoon is torn between wanting to give them a raise and wanting to fire them for making Soonyoung look so good.

Jihoon doesn’t know whether he should be angry or humiliated. He stands there dumbly with his mouth parted and eyes blinking slowly at the sight before him. There’s suddenly too many people in the warehouse and too little a warehouse to be able to _breathe._ It’s surreal. Seeing his ex standing there less than ten feet in front of him is bringing back too many unwanted memories and way too many unwarranted emotions. 

“Jihoon?”

Jihoon blinks, his eyes traveling back up respectively to Soonyoung’s curious gaze. “What?”

“I asked how are you?” Soonyoung repeats, looking amused. “We haven’t seen each other in a while.”

Like that, the spell is broken and there’s already a witty response on Jihoon’s tongue before he can stop himself.

“I wonder why,” he scoffs, and Soonyoung’s expression falls.

“Okay,” he says stiffly. “I see you’re still holding a grudge over what happened.”

Jihoon glares at him with a scowl. “Have you forgotten it was _you_ who left _me_ , Kwon Soonyoung? I have every right to be holding a grudge against you, and you had absolutely no reason to be mad at me for doing so. Whatever. I don’t have time to be dealing with you,” he growls. 

Soonyoung opens his mouth to retort, but Jihoon cuts him off before he can say anything.

“We have a music video to be filmed and I’ll be damned if we don’t finish it by the end of this week, Kwon Soonyoung,” he hisses, pointing a finger at Soonyoung’s chest. “Be mad at me all you want, but I am not going to let you back in my life so easily. At least _I_ know what happened between us.”

Point made and frankly, satisfied with the look on Soonyoung’s face, Jihoon turns and stomps his way back to Wonwoo, who seemed to watch their whole interaction go down with an amused expression. The reunion was brief, but it got Jihoon _way_ too fired up and heated, and _not_ in the sexual way.

“You guys looked a little heated there,” Wonwoo muses when Jihoon gets close enough to hear him.

Jihoon scowls even deeper — he’s definitely going to get wrinkles next year — and throws the folder on his chair. “Not another fucking word, Jeon Wonwoo,” he growls. “I swear to god, if this filming doesn’t go the way I want it all thanks to that idiot, I will _not_ be a happy camper.”

Wonwoo snickers but takes his seat, grabbing his megaphone as he does so. “Since when were you ever?”

Jihoon’s never heard anything more true.

The first hour of filming the music video goes by like a plane crash landing — in other words, _not_ as smooth as Jihoon would’ve liked. For one thing, Jihoon’s words leave his mouth the second he hears the music live with Soonyoung _acting_ in front of the camera. It’s like he’s been turned into a completely different person, and Jihoon doesn’t know how to feel about that.

Jihoon doesn’t even bother trying to make sure the cameras are moving the way he wants to and he’s getting all the scenes he’s envisioned, and nor does he pay attention to whether or not the lighting is changing up to his standards. Everything inside him — his breath, the nostalgic feeling in his chest, perhaps even his heart — gets stolen away from him the moment Soonyoung’s whole demeanor changed.

 _What the hell is going on,_ he thinks faintly to himself. He doesn’t have the courage to examine the viewfinder of the camera in front of him when he can see the real person in the flesh on the set. _What the hell have I been missing all these years?_

Jihoon listened to the song already. He _has_ to, otherwise how would he be able to get the feel of the song? Now though, hearing the song in a different setting with the singer of the song there in front of him...why does it give off a different vibe than he envisioned in his head?

When he first heard the music and deciphered through the lyrics, his first thought was _oh shit._ The sound of it all from start to finish was so seductive, and the lyrics definitely did not do anything to help his case in trying to live up to his harsh director reputation. In fact, Jihoon found himself pacing around in his condo after pausing the music just so he could be able to breathe a little.

Although they’re not quite making eye contact, Soonyoung’s intense stare from the set does not help Jihoon focus anymore either. Quite frankly, neither does the stare Soonyoung is receiving from the woman below him and oddly enough, the sight of her eyes on Soonyoung makes Jihoon want to punch a bitch.

Quite frankly, Jihoon never bothers to acquaint himself with whoever he’s directing a filming for. It’s always been going straight to work, never having the time to socialize nor make any more friends than he needs. He doesn’t need any more people to bother him than he already deals with on a daily basis.

He feels a nudge on his arm and he almost jumps, turning his head to look at Wonwoo, who’s raising his eyebrow at him and throwing a hand out towards the set.

“You gonna do something about that?” Wonwoo hisses.

Jihoon turns his head back towards the set. “Do something about what?”

Wonwoo rubs a hand down his face and sighs. “What happened to being the Cold Hearted? You’re anything but Cold Hearted. You’re Distracted instead,” he mutters under his breath. “The lighting changed to hot pink for a split second. I thought you wanted red and orange?”

“Reddish-orange,” Jihoon corrects with a grumble, shaking off any thoughts of Soonyoung from his head and trying to pay attention to the viewfinder. “Give it a few more minutes. The more footage now, the less we have to film later.”

Wonwoo sighs but doesn’t say anything more, setting his megaphone back down on the small table between them. Jihoon disregards any reaction from Wonwoo, eyeing the way the camera begins to gradually zoom out from Soonyoung’s face to fit both Soonyoung and the other actress in the frame. Jihoon feels something weird swirl in his stomach at the sight, and he knows it’s not a good feeling.

He watches as Soonyoung raises his hand to caress the woman’s face, turning her cheek gently so they’re making eye contact. He mouths the words to his song with hooded eyes, tongue flickering out every so often as their faces get closer and closer together and —

Jihoon can’t watch it anymore.

“CUT!” he yells out, forgetting he has a megaphone to use so he doesn’t have to strain his voice. “CUT! This is absolutely not what I had in mind. The camera is too close and the lighting changed! Gaffers, what the hell is going on?! It should not be hot pink! I want reds and oranges for these scenes! Fix it this instance or so help me, no one is leaving for lunch until we finish this shooting! Five minute break, then we’re going right back to shooting!”

Like lightning, the lights brighten back up again and his crew all begin rushing around to fix everything as needed. The prop masters and set dressers rush onto the set to do some touch ups for the props. The gaffers and grips adjust the lighting as desired by Jihoon. The camera operators stop recording and review their footage. The makeup artists and hairstylists all rush towards Soonyoung and the woman with their brushes and cosmetics bags. 

“You gonna go up to them to talk about their blocking and performance?” Wonwoo questions after a few moments of silence between the two of them. “That’s what you usually do — scream in their faces about what they’re doing wrong. I would say it’s funny but we lose more and more clients because of you.”

“I don’t need to talk to him about blocking and performance,” Jihoon says dryly.

“Them.”

“What?”

Wonwoo looks amused. “You said ‘him,’ but there’s two actors on the set, Jihoon. I don’t know whether I should be hoping you do acknowledge there’s two people on the set or not. It just goes to show that you still think of Soonyoung regardless if other people are in the room.”

“I do not!” Jihoon exclaims, gripping tightly at the arms of his chair. “What is wrong with you? Seriously?”

Wonwoo remains unperturbed by the disrespect. “Deny it all you want, Jihoon. The truth will always remain the same. Now go talk to _them_ about blocking and performance, because I sure as hell know those movements did _not_ match the camera movement. You know as well as I do that you’d rather be talking to the actors about blocking rather than the camera operators.”

Growling, Jihoon hops off his stool and snatches his folder from the table between them. “Whatever,” he mutters, stalking towards the set.

He can hear his heart pounding loudly in his ears the closer he gets to Soonyoung. They’d reunited but it wasn’t quite the reunion he’d hoped for. It was reasonable of him to be angry when they saw each other again, suppressed emotions making them visible through his demeanor and projecting into his voice when he’d reprimanded Soonyoung. 

He had envisioned their reunion to be awkward at most but much to his surprise, he felt a lot angrier than he first expected. He supposes it’s understandable though, considering his habit of holding a grudge has never really gone away. Seeing Soonyoung looking all fine and dandy is what Jihoon envies, especially when he himself has never been fine and dandy in the first place.

Sighing, swallowing down his resentment, Jihoon steps up onto the set and walks over to the actors, blocking out any distractions in his head and staring at Soonyoung with only one goal in mind: to finish this filming without any more mishaps.

He clears his throat to get their attention, ignoring how fast his heart rate skyrockets when Soonyoung’s eyes pierce into his.

“Let’s talk briefly about your movement,” Jihoon says curtly, trying to sound as professional as he can. “It needs to match up with the cameras or else it will look awkward and give off the wrong vibe. I want you to try something different.”

“And what is that ‘something different?’” Soonyoung asks dryly. 

Jihoon suddenly regrets listening to Wonwoo. “I don’t care,” he replies stiffly. “I just want it to match up with the cameras. Feel free to do whatever, but I would rather you use whatever creative liberty I’m allowing you to use than making me order you around what to do.”

“But that’s your job, isn’t it?”

Upon seeing Soonyoung’s quirked eyebrow, Jihoon clenches his jaw tight. “I don’t think you understand how directing works, Soonyoung-ssi. I only _tell_ you what to do. As an idol, it is _your_ job to perceive yourself the way you want to be perceived. I only enhance whatever there is to enhance and make you look desirable. That’s it.”

“Desirable, you say,” the woman purrs out of nowhere, and Jihoon’s eyes flicker to her face. She’s looking at Soonyoung with a glint in her eye, her cherry red lips pulled up into a devious smirk. She reaches out and suddenly curls her fingers into Soonyoung’s mesh shirt. “I can help make you look desirable, Nyong.”

 _Nyong?_ Jihoon’s mind whispers, threatened. _What the fuck? That was my nickname for him._

Soonyoung looks down at the woman and smiles at her, the glint in his eye matching hers. He doesn’t even seem to mind the woman saying his name like that. 

It makes Jihoon feel sick, so, so sick.

“I’m all yours, Daeun,” Soonyoung chuckles.

Jihoon wants to hurl, or cry, maybe even both. This was definitely _not_ how he envisioned this filming to go, but the urge to run away is stronger than his urge to tell Soonyoung specifically how to fix his movements. All this time, he’s been trying to convince himself that Soonyoung no longer has a place in his life, but if that’s truly the case, then why does the pain in his heart never go away? Why does he always feel so lonely?

With another clearing of his throat, he takes a step back and clenches his hand tight around his folder, which has been long forgotten already.

“It seems you two know what to do,” he says stiffly, making them both turn their heads at him. “I’ll leave you to it.”

With nothing else to say and frankly, not knowing if he even has the strength to _say_ anything more, Jihoon turns on his heel and robotically makes his way back to Wonwoo again, who’s been watching the whole interaction go down as he always does. He looks concerned this time, a stark contrast to his amusement when he first made fun of Jihoon yesterday.

“You good?” he questions when Jihoon sits in his chair and sets the folder down on the table between them.

“Woman’s name. Now.”

“Jung Daeun,” Wonwoo answers instantly. “From what I’ve read from her profile, she’s been Soonyoung’s stylist for around three years before she transitioned into the fashion field. They supposedly have really great chemistry from what I’ve watched from Soonyoung’s past music videos, and they’re really comfortable with each other — ”

“Okay.”

Wonwoo immediately gets the message and stops talking, and Jihoon rests his elbow against the arm of the chair, leaning his forehead into his palm. He doesn’t feel too good. 

“Can you take over for the next shots?” he asks. His voice comes out in a mumble, but amidst the loudness of the warehouse, Wonwoo still seems to understand him. 

Wonwoo raises the megaphone and orders, “Alright, people. Let’s get this done as quickly as possible so we can make it to lunch!”

The next hour of filming goes by like hell. For one thing, Jihoon is afraid of looking up at the set to see Soonyoung and Daeun acting out whatever they’re trying to do. He keeps his gaze strictly trained on the viewfinder in front of him, finding that the size of the frame hinders his ability to see what’s actually going on outside the frame. He _knows_ there are hands wandering and there’s heated gazes being shared between the two but he has to remind himself that everything that’s happening is all for show. That’s the only thing keeping him from having a breakdown in the middle of directing.

Although the frame may hinder the actual scene going on, it does nothing to help Jihoon when he sees Soonyoung mouthing the words along Daeun’s neck. From the angle of the camera, it looks like he’s trailing kisses on her skin, and Jihoon has to take in a deep breath to rationalize the thoughts in his head. 

_We’re not together,_ he chants in his mind. _We’re nothing anymore. He can do whatever he wants._

It doesn’t make it hurt any less.

The breaking point is when the last line of the first verse drops and Jihoon sees Soonyoung and Daeun’s face getting closer and closer, eyes fluttering shut as the camera begins to move up on the pedestal to catch all the action. Jihoon looks away and nudges Wonwoo’s foot with his own.

“Call it,” he mutters, feeling a headache coming on. “Let’s eat lunch.”

Wonwoo looks at him in bewilderment and glances at his watch. “We still have an hour left,” he says. “You don’t want to gather more footage — ”

“Call it. Now,” Jihoon says through gritted teeth.

Wonwoo sighs and lifts his megaphone up. “CUT!” he yells, and like that, all production ceases. “That was perfect. Let’s use the next hour to eat lunch. Please head to the film catering team on the side. Lunch is pig’s feet and seaweed soup.”

The crew begin to gather their equipment, setting up for the next scene they have to film after lunch. Jihoon lets out a breath of relief as Soonyoung pulls away from Daeun before their lips can make contact, but the smiles they give to each other still make his chest feel heavy. He’s not quite sure what to make of their relationship, and he’s not sure if he’s ready to find out what they are to each other.

Jihoon hops off his chair and rubs his face. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom really quick. Don’t wait up for me.”

“You make it sound like I want to,” Wonwoo mutters, but Jihoon is already walking away before he can catch it.

There’s too many thoughts in Jihoon’s head and not enough time for him to sort them out. From the time it took him to get off his chair and walk to the bathroom, there’s still this static feeling in his chest and a bitter taste at the back of his throat. Something hurts. He’s not quite sure what it is, but something _definitely_ hurts.

Pushing the bathroom door open, Jihoon walks in and immediately stops in his tracks when he sees a man with blonde hair washing his hands by the sink. Damn it, he thought he’d be able to sulk in peace but the man looks up at him before he can manage to sneak into the bathroom stall.

“Oh, Jihoon-ssi!” he exclaims, and Jihoon has to suppress the urge to groan. The man wipes his hands with a good handful of paper towels before he reaches out and offers his hand out. “Thank you so much for accepting our request to direct Soonyoung’s comeback this time around — ” _Wonwoo accepted it without me knowing, but okay._ “Seriously, you don’t know how much time you’re saving us here. I’m Hong Joshua, Soonyoung’s manager and the one who reached out to you in the first place. It’s an honor to be working with someone as established as you.”

Jihoon stares at his hand with plain interest. He just wanted the bathroom for himself, god damn it. “Mhm. I had no plans for this in my schedule actually. My co-director accepted your offer without letting me know,” he says flatly.

Without fail, Joshua simply flashes a smile at him and pulls his hand back. “Is that so?” he inquires. “I didn’t know you were unaware of these tight circumstances but I’ve seen your films before, and your theme is exactly what we need to shoot for Soonyoung’s concept. You may have heard it already, but we’re running under a tight schedule, and I’ve heard you work well under pressure, so everything just falls into place perfectly. Not to mention that Soonyoung has always been begging me to reach out to you. He always seems to be quite fond of you and your works, Jihoon-ssi.”

“What?” Jihoon wants to say his ears are only catching what he wants to hear, but this situation is as real as the rings on his finger. “What are you talking about?”

Joshua tilts his head. “I thought he would’ve said something to you by now,” he says. “He often goes around recommending your movies and films to his friends whenever he has the chance. I can’t remember the last time he’s recommended something that _isn’t_ by you, actually.”

Jihoon doesn’t quite know how to feel about that.

Before he can say anything though, the bathroom door swings open and in comes the man in question. Jihoon looks away immediately, instead glaring at the sink in front of them. 

“Oh, hyung,” Soonyoung says in surprise, eyes flickering to Jihoon’s figure shortly after, “...and...Jihoon. You finally met each other, I see. You guys should go eat, lunch looks delicious.”

Joshua waves a hand at him dismissively. “You and Jihoon-ssi have met already? Wonderful! This filming will be a piece of cake then.”

“A piece of cake, huh?” Jihoon says dryly, crossing his arms. “You’re a funny one, Hong Joshua.”

Joshua gives him an easygoing smile. “I try,” he says with a shrug, then looks at his watch. “Well, I better get to that seaweed soup before Seokmin does,” he chuckles, making his way to the door. It’s quite obvious he can sense the tension between Jihoon and Soonyoung but he doesn’t say anything about it. “You guys should come eat with us too. I mean, you can’t finish a race if you don’t know how long it is, right?”

Jihoon doesn’t know what that means, but he watches distastefully as Joshua makes his way out the door, leaving him and Soonyoung alone in the bathroom. He’s not quite sure how he feels about that but on the bright side, at least Daeun won’t be able to get in. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to hold back his curses if he sees her again.

They both stand in the open part of the bathroom with the tense air still between them. Jihoon is torn between wanting to wash his hands in the sink just to distract himself, and wanting to get out of the cloud of tension and follow Joshua to stomach what he can while he eats pig’s feet and seaweed soup.

“So,” Soonyoung utters before he can make his decision. “What, uh — what did Joshua-hyung talk to you about?”

Jihoon’s eyes flicker briefly to Soonyoung’s. “You talk about me.” It’s not a question, it’s a statement. “You asked to work with me.”

Soonyoung looks shameless. “Is something wrong with that?” He walks towards the sink and turns on the faucet, and all plans of Jihoon trying to distract himself by washing his hands fly out the window. “We have the same concept this time now that my comeback is around the corner, so of course I have to promote. If my company won’t do it, then who else will?”

Jihoon watches him lather soap into his hands. He suddenly feels as though _he’s_ the one out of place, in his own warehouse at that. He hates that Soonyoung still has this effect on him. It’s been four years yet some things just don’t change.

“What exactly is your concept, Soonyoung?” Jihoon asks after a moment of hearing the running water.

Soonyoung peers at him through the mirror. “Intimacy,” he answers, flicking off the water on his hands and reaching for some paper towels. “My concept has to do with intimacy. So lewd concepts, if you prefer it like that.” 

Jihoon wants to slap someone. Preferably Soonyoung.

“I,” he says flatly, “do not specialize in intimacy, Soonyoung.”

While he’s drying his hands, Soonyoung looks up at him in confusion. “But...you specialize in sexual concepts, right?”

“I specialize in _a_ sexual concept, yes,” Jihoon says, matter-of-factly. “Intimacy is not sexual.”

Soonyoung turns around to face him. “Then what is intimacy, Lee Jihoon?”

His eyes are piercing into Jihoon’s when he looks at him, dark orbs intense and holding him captive. Suddenly, Jihoon feels as though he’s been caught in a crossfire. He’s seen this look before, back when they were still together and getting it heated in the bedroom, and Jihoon doesn’t know how to feel about that.

He feels something crawling at the back of his neck, and he has to remind himself that they’re purely in this for the business aspect. The emotional aspect? Nada.

With a sigh, Jihoon crosses his arms and masks his face into something more stoic. 

“You think intimacy is sexual,” he starts, then shakes his head, “but it’s not. Intimacy is not sex. It is not a sexual concept. Intimacy is about being _truthful,_ whether that is being truthful to yourself or whoever your partner is.” _Partner_ comes out of his mouth more bitter than he would’ve liked but he keeps going. “When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can simply be yourself around your partner, when you break down in front of them and their response is ‘you’re safe with me’ — that’s intimacy.”

“So it’s an emotional aspect,” Soonyoung states, watching Jihoon walk over to the sink next to him to wash his hands.

Truthfully speaking, Jihoon just needs to take his eyes away from Soonyoung and he desperately needs a distraction. 

“Precisely,” Jihoon says, focusing his gaze on the running water. “Intimacy is to know someone on a level than most people are comfortable with. It’s not something that happens during one night stands or flings. It ages like fine wine. It takes time and gentle handling. If you make mistakes, then you are willing to forgive those mistakes all for the sake of moving forward.”

Soonyoung’s gaze burns into the side of Jihoon’s face, and Jihoon has to bat away the urge to look at him with all his energy. 

“You sound like you have a lot of experience in being intimate,” Soonyoung says lowly. “Something good happened to you?”

“Not everyone can find intimacy,” Jihoon says smoothly, dodging the question. “Sometimes...intimacy can be scary. Getting to know someone in that sort of aspect, _really_ getting to know them on a more personal level, maybe even more than your parents — it’s such a deep thing. It’s a difficult place for many relationships to reach because they lack that connection with each other. Letting someone in your life like that, where they have the power to just fuck you over because you’ve let them in so much — that’s scary.”

He flicks the water off his hands and grabs some sheets of paper towels, all the while not making eye contact with Soonyoung in the slightest bit. It seems as though the air between them has gotten heavier with tension, and it’s definitely not the type of tension he felt earlier.

“So what exactly do you specialize in, Jihoon?” Soonyoung asks. 

Jihoon finally musters up the courage to look at Soonyoung and boy, does he regret it. The look on Soonyoung’s face is a lot more intense than he expected. His eyes are dark, smoldering, ever so sharp with something Jihoon can’t quite put his finger on. His orbs look like pure liquid fire, blazing with something fierce. Jihoon almost shivers at how _potent_ Soonyoung’s aura suddenly seems, and he can’t help but become hyper aware of how Soonyoung’s intense gaze feels on his face, prickling his face with pins and needles. 

“Eros,” Jihoon says when he finds his voice. “I specialize in a concept named Eros.”

“Eros?”

“Yes, Eros.” Jihoon nods curtly, throwing away the paper towels and turning on his heel. “That’s all you need to know.”

He’s about to take a step forward when Soonyoung grabs his wrist and pulls him back gently. When he turns his head to look at him, Soonyoung’s face is full of curiosity but still holding that same intense look, and Jihoon just can’t look away.

“Tell me...what Eros is,” Soonyoung murmurs.

A silence settles between the two of them as they maintain eye contact. Jihoon keeps his eyes trained on Soonyoung’s face as he tries to think of what to say. He knows his concept. He knows it like he knows himself, yet it seems like he can’t quite get his words out with Soonyoung in the same space in him. All the words are jumbled in his head right now.

“Eros,” he begins, pausing shortly to think his words through before he regrets saying anything. “Eros...is based on a mythological Greek god. He is the god of love...sexual desire...lust...infatuation. He is thought to be the son of Aphrodite.”

Soonyoung doesn’t release his hold on Jihoon’s wrist but the director isn’t focused on that. Soonyoung’s attention is on him, and he’ll be damned if he embarrasses himself now.

“When you think of Eros…” Jihoon trails off, “...what is the first word that comes to mind?”

Soonyoung doesn’t hesitate to answer. “Erotic.”

The tension in the air suddenly shifts the moment Soonyoung says that word. It doesn’t get heavier, but it doesn’t get lighter either.

“Eros represents intense passion and desire for something. Sexual desire, attraction. It comes naturally to us as humans. It’s a _primal_ instinct.” Jihoon tilts his head, a sudden thought coming into his mind. “Have you experienced Eros, Soonyoung?”

Soonyoung’s eyes flicker downwards for a split second. “I believe I have.”

Jihoon’s expression hardens. “Believing isn’t good enough,” he says harshly. “You need to experience it to truly understand what Eros is.” With that, he snatches his wrist away and turns to face Soonyoung again, raising an eyebrow. “If you cannot understand what Eros is, then you should rethink your concept, Kwon Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung licks his lips and lowers his eyelids. “Then why don’t you indulge me, Lee Jihoon?”

Like that, Jihoon’s harsh demeanor suddenly fades away and he blinks, feeling something in his chest constrict. Maybe it’s his lungs, the air getting snatched out of them from the unexpected question. Perhaps it’s even his throat, his words dying down on his tongue and locking tight to prevent him from saying anything. Maybe it’s his heart, for reasons he would rather not recall and memories he’d rather avoid. The feeling of it all is intense, restricting. 

Although he’s not the most organized person, he likes to think he’s well thought out in terms of words and thinking. It’s rather rare for him to forget what he wants to say, and he’s suddenly reminded of how easy it is for him to forget his words around one Kwon Soonyoung. He hates how Soonyoung can still affect him like this.

Soonyoung doesn’t even flinch at what he said. Instead, he leans closer to Jihoon, taking a step forward and one step too close into Jihoon’s personal bubble.

“Show me,” he whispers. “Show me what Eros is to _you.”_

All of a sudden, it’s like a switch goes off in Jihoon. He purses his lips and narrows his eyes, feeling a ball of heat and determination swell in his stomach.

He will _never_ back out from a challenge.

In one swift movement, Jihoon’s hand shoots out and he fists Soonyoung’s shirt, fingers curling tightly in the fabric before he tugs Soonyoung’s body harshly towards him. Soonyoung lets out a strangled gasp, not expecting the action as he stumbles over to Jihoon, only stopping by the force of the director’s forearm against his chest. Jihoon tugs again, pulling Soonyoung down until he’s bent over. Then, reaching up, Jihoon blows lightly in his ear and feels an immense satisfaction run inside him when he sees Soonyoung visibly shiver.

“What do you feel right now?” Jihoon murmurs into his ear, taking a step closer than he should. “Tell me what you’re feeling right now. Are you excited? Nervous? Do you feel…” He lifts his other hand to tentatively run across Soonyoung’s jawline, “...aroused?”

The satisfaction that runs through him when he hears Soonyoung’s breath hitch is _wild._

“All of the above,” whispers Soonyoung.

Jihoon slowly glides the pads of his finger against the idol’s smooth skin, feeling every little imperfection that most people won’t ever get to experience. The little scar, a small bump, a tiny mole — he can feel it all and the thought _excites_ him, to know he’s one of the only few people to get up close and personal with Soonyoung like this.

He hooks the crook of his pointer finger beneath Soonyoung’s chin and lifts it up so they’re making eye contact. Soonyoung’s eyes are dark, near black, intense and piercing into Jihoon’s own. His orbs are fogged over with something that Jihoon is all too familiar with, and the sight of it excited him in a way he forgot was possible. He momentarily lets his guard down, forgetting about the walls he was supposed to build up in the first place. 

“Soonyoung,” he croons, brushing his thumb against Soonyoung’s bottom lip. Gently, he presses down on the glossed cushion slightly and watches as Soonyoung’s plush lips part open. Jihoon tilts his head forward and asks softly, “Soonyoung...does this feel like Eros to you?” 

Jihoon feels an animalistic satisfaction run through his veins when he hears the way Soonyoung’s breath stutters slightly, and he can see Soonyoung’s pupils dilating from how close they are. Jihoon can hear his heart pounding loudly in his own ears, his skin feeling warm all over and his chest tingling with a familiar feeling he’s learned to ignore long ago. Now though, this up close and personal with his ex, it seems like every nerve that had burned up inside him when they broke up has ignited again, and liquid heat pools in the pit of his stomach. The background begins to fade away into smoke, and all Jihoon can focus on is Soonyoung’s sharp, intense gaze.

“Yes,” comes Soonyoung’s breathless voice. “This feels like Eros.” 

Jihoon holds his chin in place for a minute, finding himself latching onto that ball of heat in his chest. He can feel Soonyoung’s breath hitting his lips from how close they are, making them tingle with desire. 

“And…” Jihoon trails off, trailing his hand from Soonyoung’s jaw towards his neck, “...if I do this…” He slips his hand beneath the blouse on Soonyoung’s shoulder, “...what does it feel like to you?”

“Eros,” Soonyoung whispers, and Jihoon sees him clenching his fists.

“And if I do this…?” Jihoon removes his hand from Soonyoung’s jaw to slide it down towards his chest, fingers tentatively gripping at the mesh of Soonyoung’s shirt. “What does this feel like?”

“Eros.”

“And...what about _this?”_ With a tug, Jihoon pulls Soonyoung towards him until their chests are all but grazing each other. Their lips almost touch but Jihoon leans his head away last minute, until their hair is brushing against each other. “What do you feel, Soonyoung?”

Soonyoung takes a moment to respond, his pupils dilated to the point where they almost take over his orbs. His breath is hot and heavy against Jihoon’s own, and Jihoon’s heart is pounding so loud and harsh against his chest, he’s starting to feel a little lightheaded. 

“I...It feels like…” Soonyoung stutters, voice softening, “...intimacy.”

Like that, the spell is broken.

Realizing how much of a compromising position they’re in, and what exactly the _fuck_ they’re doing, Jihoon rips himself away with a gasp, only now noticing just how close they’d been from how clear the air suddenly is. Soonyoung seems to realize what he’s said because he blinks and runs a hand through his hair, effectively messing it up even more from the disheveled look it already was.

“Wait, Jihoon,” he starts desperately. “I didn’t mean to…”

Right. He didn’t mean to. Of course. Of fucking course.

 _What else was I supposed to expect?_ Jihoon thinks bitterly to himself, his expression hardening. 

“I believe you still don’t understand the difference between Eros and intimacy, Soonyoung-ssi,” he says stiffly, and Soonyoung winces at the use of formalities. “I hope you are able to portray those emotions differently in front of the camera than you do here.”

“Jihoon — ” 

“Nonetheless, I hope you remember the feeling you had just a few minutes ago,” Jihoon interrupts, taking a large step back and shoving his hands in his pockets. “If you want my concept to pair with your concept, I will not take anything less than what I deem is truly Eros. I am willing to work with you if you are willing to abide by my rules.”

“Rules?” Soonyoung’s voice comes out small, unsure.

“I am not afraid to live up to my reputation of being that cold hearted director,” Jihoon says sharply. “People fear me and underestimate my abilities. What we are doing is business, so whatever this is between us — ” He gestures to the air between them, “ — will stay purely business, nothing more. Do you understand?”

Soonyoung opens his mouth then closes it again. “That’s it?” he questions. “That’s all we’re gonna talk about?”

Jihoon narrows his eyes. “What else do you want me to say?”

Soonyoung shifts his weight from one foot to another. “I don’t know,” he mutters, throwing his hand out. “There’s...we have so much to talk about, Jihoon, and you’re just gonna leave it like that?”

“We have nothing to talk about,” Jihoon says harshly. “You made it pretty clear that you still see me in the same light you did before. If you weren’t willing to hear my side in the first place, then you don’t have to hear me at all.”

“If I wasn’t willing to hear your side, do you think I would’ve allowed you to run your hands over my body earlier?” Soonyoung asks frustratedly. “Do you think I would’ve asked to work with you if I hadn’t been willing to listen to your side?”

Jihoon clenches his jaw. “Do you think you _deserve_ to hear my side when you were the one who walked out on me before I could explain myself?” he asks fiercely. “You didn’t listen to me at _all_ , Soonyoung. You didn’t want to hear me out, you didn’t want to stay even just for a minute, I — ” He feels his tongue thicken in his mouth and his throat go tight, and he internally curses himself. “I got down on my _knees,_ Soonyoung. I almost ripped your shirt trying to grab it because you wouldn’t stop fucking moving. I thought you’d come back and come to your senses, but you left me hoping you’d come back for three months. Three fucking months. I...I’ve never felt more stupid and — and foolish in my whole life.”

Jihoon takes a deep breath and looks up at the ceiling to hold back the heat beginning to build in his eyes. This was what he was afraid of. This was why he’d fought so hard with Wonwoo yesterday. He never wanted to make a fool of himself ever again but now here he is, holding back tears and making himself vulnerable in front of the man who’d broken him.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung says slowly. “I’m sorry, I — ”

“You are four years too late with that damn apology, Kwon Soonyoung,” Jihoon says sharply, making sure every word is laced with the bitterness he’s been holding in all these years. “There should be absolutely no excuse why you left me. If you can figure out something that can save your sorry ass and make me feel sorry for you, then you can come back to me on your knees the way you made me do for you.”

Soonyoung is rendered speechless as Jihoon musters up the harshest glare he can to give him. 

“If whatever you want to say has nothing to do with the filming, then I don’t want to hear it. Save it for your apology letter,” Jihoon says snidely, feeling a lot lighter now that he’s gotten the weight off his shoulders. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have lunch to eat and a filming to finish.”

Quickly, he spins on his heel and heads for the door and this time, Soonyoung doesn’t stop him. He closes the door behind him and lets out a heavy breath, and it’s like releasing years worth of tension and pain out. The pain is still there. It’s definitely still there, but letting out his frustrations like that, to the person who caused him so much misery, is more relieving than he thought.

“Hey,” Wonwoo greets him when Jihoon nears the catering table. “Everything good? Your eyes look puffy.”

“I hate you so much, Wonwoo,” Jihoon mutters angrily, grabbing a small box of pig’s feet and a container of seaweed soup. “I hate you so much. Why the fuck did you think this was a good idea? God damn it. I’m so tempted to leave you to direct the rest of the video but because I’m a perfectionist, you’re lucky this time. I hate you so much.”

“Tell me something new,” Wonwoo chuckles, slurping on the soup loudly. “I’m assuming you had a good cry?”

“Fuck you.”

“That’s Mingyu’s job.”

Jihoon clicks his tongue in annoyance. “And _your_ job isn’t to set me up with my ex.”

Wonwoo lets out a sigh. “I wasn’t trying to,” he says. “I just want you guys to be friends again. You’ve been so much grumpier than you have ever since you and Soonyoung broke up.”

“And why do I care?”

“Jihoon, you’re not taking care of yourself,” Wonwoo says exasperatedly. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed. You’ve been overworking yourself by taking overnight shifts for other directors. You worked as a camera operator last week, and we have two commercial shootings and another music video to film next week, in case you forgot. You are wearing yourself thin.”

Jihoon scoffs. “I am not wearing myself thin. I am capable of doing a lot of things, Wonwoo. I thought you knew that.”

“Not at the expense of your health, Jihoon.”

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “Whatever,” he grunts. “Watch me. I’ll be able to finish this filming _and_ the filmings we have next week, Wonwoo. Just watch me.”

Wonwoo sighs. “I won’t be the one to take care of you if you get sick later.”

“Whatever,” Jihoon grumbles again, taking his containers of food in his hands to eat inside the trailer. “Call me when lunch is over. Don’t bother me.”

With that, he heads into the trailer to eat alone like he’s been doing for the past four years. At this point it’s normal for him to want to eat alone, but this time, the loneliness is starting to set in more than he’s ever felt ever since his breakup with Soonyoung.

 _No, I’ll show them,_ he thinks determinedly. _I’ll show them I can do this. I’ll handle all the filmings. I’ll prove to Wonwoo that I am over Kwon Soonyoung, and I’ll prove to Soonyoung that I won’t let him back into my life so easily. Yes, those will be the challenges I’ll set for myself. I’m known as the Cold Hearted for a reason. I never back out from a challenge, and I definitely won’t back out from these challenges._

He’s going to prove all of them wrong any way he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually did more research now that I could expand on the word count, and...the director honestly doesn’t do what I thought they do? Like, they direct the movie but they kind of...let the co-director do all the yelling and shouting for them, huhu. Hence why Wonwoo is usually the one taking charge instead of Jihoon. 
> 
> I also had no idea directors just arrive on set like that. I thought they plan everything out. I mean, they do, but not in the way I originally thought, lmao. I thought they corroborate in the office setting, hehe. Apparently, directors also don’t just direct, but they also work for other directors when they have spare time. Idk, I just found that kind of surprising. My cousin is currently studying to become a director now so I got some pointers from him, hehe.
> 
> Anyway, I’m really getting the hang of using film terminologies, hehe. I actually took a film class in my second(?) year of high school, so I kind of know things about camera angles and lighting. Of course, I can’t remember much because I have the memory of a goldfish, lol.
> 
> As you probably read, I did take out the talk of the difference between “intimacy,” “sexual,” and “Eros” because I realized that sexual and Eros go hand in hand since Eros is sexual love, lmao. I also did rearrange some scenes around so hopefully it isn’t too confusing.
> 
> I haven’t started the second chapter but hopefully this is ONLY two chapters :> People who read “Light a Flame” will know my struggle. Shhhh.
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mistehri)  
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.qa/mistehri)
> 
> As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading! ❤


	2. Not According to Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things just don’t go to plan. Kwon Soonyoung was never on Jihoon’s list of plans to begin with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot longer than I expected, huhuhu, but I guess we have a chapter three now :] I can’t believe it’s almost been a month since I last updated this, lmao. 
> 
> Anyway, get your tissues ready. This 17k+ chapter is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster :]
> 
> Enjoy reading! ❤

The rest of the filming goes by achingly slow and a lot more awkward than it did before lunch happened. 

For one thing, every time Jihoon looks into the viewfinder to make sure the actors’ movements match up with the camera, he can’t help but become distracted by the way Soonyoung moves. He’s like a tiger, eyes piercing into the lens and aura ferocious. There’s some sort of glow around him but Jihoon is sure it isn’t from the lighting. 

There’s something else there though, something stilting Soonyoung’s movements. Jihoon notices it when Soonyoung turns his head to stare down at Daeun. He isn’t too sure what it is, years of memories crumbling into dust and making him reminiscent of what they used to be before, but something is preventing Soonyoung from going all out on his acting. 

Jihoon’s never seen him like that before, has never seen him hesitate to do anything. When Soonyoung wants to do something, he does it confidently without fail. Even in his past music videos — from what Jihoon could bear to observe anyway — Soonyoung has always been phlegmatic, always knowing what to do and when to do it.

That Soonyoung is not the Soonyoung Jihoon is seeing now.

“It doesn’t look right,” Wonwoo says out loud beside him, and Jihoon agrees silently though he lets the camera roll for a little longer just to see if anything would change. “Perhaps we should change to a darker lighting? The whole thing isn’t giving off the right vibe.”

Jihoon roams his eyes towards the set and examines the change of lighting carefully, thinking. The lighting isn’t the problem. In all his years of directing and working in the film industry, Jihoon can confidently say that the lighting isn’t the issue here. What really brings the set together to bring out the correct vibe is the people who act in it — in this case, Soonyoung and Daeun.

Now though, as Jihoon switches his gaze to the actors on the bed, he can immediately spot the problem, and he’s not sure whether to be relieved or annoyed.

Soonyoung’s movements are small. Where he’s brushing his fingers against Daeun’s cheek, the distance between them is too far, and it makes the close up of the camera look...well — not so close up. Soonyoung’s elbow is tucked too tightly into his chest, making him look small and insecure.

Jihoon knows how big of a dancer Soonyoung is. He’s skilled in that aspect, Jihoon can say that confidently regardless if they’re exes now. Soonyoung likes big movements that tell his story. He likes feeling himself when he dances, likes to incorporate subtle movements just to make his audience feel like they’re sitting on the edge of their seats waiting to see what happens next. Soonyoung is like a ticking time bomb when it comes to dancing — no one knows when he’s about to change his demeanor completely.

Seeing him like this, acting all unsure of his movements — it kind of baffles Jihoon. He isn’t sure if Soonyoung’s thinking about what happened in the bathroom earlier, but he knows one thing is for sure: he’s not about to let Soonyoung’s reluctant movements ruin his plans for the music video. 

Clicking his tongue in annoyance, Jihoon raises his megaphone up to his lips and yells a sharp, “Cut! Let’s try that again! Back it up from the chorus!” He impatiently waits for the crew to get ready for a reshooting, tapping his foot against the leg of the chair as he watches the gaffers switch the lighting and the camera operators save the footage for future usage. Once they’re done, he yells, “Take two! Action!”

He focuses his attention on Soonyoung as the chorus starts back up, eyes sharp and judging. It still doesn’t feel right. He can sense that Soonyoung is holding himself back from going completely over the top like he usually does. If anything, the dancer becomes stiffer than he’d been during the first take. Jihoon can see it in the tiny twitch his fingers make as they graze against Daeun’s cheekbone. Something is wrong, but Jihoon doesn’t know what to think of it.

“CUT!” he yells again. Like that, the lights go back to normal and the camera operators save the footage. The actors on the set immediately separate, glancing back at him as though it’s an instinct. “Five minute break! Make any last touch ups and review the footage instantly! We cannot afford to waste time!”

His crew immediately flitter about, barking orders at each other as they desperately try to please the ever so cold director. Jihoon hops down from his chair and stalks up towards the set without checking to look at Wonwoo’s face. Lord knows his co-director would be teasing the shit out of him once he knows how observant Jihoon had been of Soonyoung. 

Jihoon crosses his arms with a huff as he approaches the actors and the makeup artists doing their touchups. Soonyoung takes one glance at him and immediately looks away, cheeks blossoming with color and eyes trying to focus on nothing else in particular. He looks rightfully embarrassed, and even Daeun looks confused at his actions.

“Now what the hell was that?” Jihoon asks, wasting no time to beat around the bush. “You were completely out of your element, Soonyoung-ssi. I expect better from you as an experienced idol.”

Instead of snarking back, however, Soonyoung shies away from him even more, only holding himself back when the makeup artist grazes a brush against his lips to apply more lip tint. “Sorry, Jihoon-ssi. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me either. I promise I’ll work harder during the next take.”

Jihoon clicks his tongue, unforgiving. “I do not like to have my time wasted, Kwon Soonyoung,” he says coldly. “You were the one who asked to work with me, no? Make me realize it’s worth it.” 

“Easy there, Jihoon-ssi,” Daeun suddenly speaks up, and Jihoon feels every nerve in his body go cold when he sees her place a comforting hand on Soonyoung’s forearm. “Maybe he’s a little out of it today. He tends to be like that sometimes when he has a lot on his mind. Give him some space.”

Jihoon grits his teeth. _I know that,_ he thinks darkly to himself. _I know him more than you think._

“I do not care what he has on his mind,” he retorts. “I am not here to be his therapist, and I am certainly not here to comfort him. Either he does the work since he begged so much to be here or you find another director to film this damn music video, because I am not wasting any of my breath on him. I don’t have time for this.”

He swears he sees Soonyoung flinch a little but he doesn’t waver his gaze from Daeun, who has now resorted to glaring at him. Jihoon doesn’t back down either, planting his feet firmly on the ground and crossing his arms in defiance. He’s been given the title of the Cold Hearted for a reason, and he’ll be damned if he gets pushed over now.

“It seems you don’t have time for a lot of things, Jihoon-ssi,” Daeun drawls. For some reason, the tone in her voice makes Jihoon’s body go rigid, like she knows something.

“Daeun,” Soonyoung says sharply, whipping his head to glare warningly at her. “Don’t.”

Jihoon narrows his eyes, eyes flickering between them. “I am a busy person,” he opts to say, stiff. “I don’t have time to be playing cat and mouse. The moment your manager asked to work with me is the moment you should’ve realized what you’re in for, and unless you can appoint another director for your music video in the short time you have, then feel free to leave my warehouse and be my guest.”

The words leave a bitter taste on the back of his tongue, and he feels like all the nerves inside him have just been electrocuted. As much as he doesn’t want to acknowledge it, he knows that deep down inside him, he doesn’t want Soonyoung to leave. He’s never been good trying to understand his feelings. When Soonyoung left him, he was just a mess of hopelessness and a willingness to forgive, but now everything is ruined tenfold. Now his mind is indecisive and his heart is lost.

“I’m sure you’d be more than glad to have us leave, wouldn’t you?” Daeun sneers.

“Daeun, stop it,” Soonyoung hisses.

Jihoon narrows his eyes further. “Do you wish to tell me something, Daeun-ssi? It seems you hold a grudge against me when I have never met you before in my life. Do entertain me.”

Daeun crosses her arms. “Oh, it’s nothing you should worry about, Jihoon-ssi,” she says with a knowing glint in her eye. “You never seemed to care before anyway.”

“Daeun, that is enough,” Soonyoung snaps, flicking Daeun’s bicep. “Just leave it alone. We’re both over it.”

Something clicks in Jihoon’s head as his eyes travel back and forth between Daeun’s smug expression and Soonyoung’s annoyed one. He lets his eyes linger on Soonyoung’s face for a while, examining the way his eyes waver apprehensively, how his hand nervously reaches up to tug at his earring. When Jihoon looks at Daeun again, it’s like pieces of a puzzle are being put together.

“You told her,” he grits out, directing his glare towards Soonyoung and clenching his fists. “Why the fuck did you tell her?”

Soonyoung opens his mouth to respond but Daeun interrupts him before he can say anything. 

“It doesn’t matter why he told me or not,” she says snidely, taking a step forward, one step too close into Jihoon’s personal space. “What matters is you’re not the tough guy you think you are, Lee Jihoon. You try so hard to mask your weakness by acting like all those Busan assholes, but truthfully speaking, you can’t act to save your life. You’re a coward, Lee Jihoon.” 

Jihoon is so, _so_ pissed. 

_How dare she?_ he thinks furiously to himself, feeling the skin on his knuckles beginning to stretch thin.

“Daeun, just stop — ” Soonyoung tries to defuse the situation but Jihoon is having none of it.

“You have no place to dig into our relationship when you weren’t a part of it,” Jihoon says sharply. “You have absolutely no business trying to dissect my personality from a failed relationship. I suggest you don’t tread onto something that has long been broken.”

“Ever so eloquent with your words, aren’t you, Jihoon-ssi?” Daeun drawls. “What happened to that eloquence when you left Soonyoung, huh?”

The fire in Jihoon flares a bit, ticked by the implication. His fingers twitch where they dig half moon crescents into his palms, and he can feel the anger inside him beginning to swell considerably.

“Don’t speak on subjects you have no idea about,” he says, getting more frustrated over the fact that he’s getting angry than he is that Daeun knows about him and Soonyoung. “If you don’t know the full story, much less both sides of the story, then shut the fuck up and don’t even try me if you know what’s good for you.”

“Jihoon!” Soonyoung gasps, bewildered.

Daeun takes a step back, the expression on her face shifting into something more expressionless. The smug smirk on her face falls off her cherry red lips in an instant but Jihoon doesn’t feel bad, not a single bit. She had it coming for her when she tried to provoke him with one side of the story that didn’t resonate with him. That is unacceptable.

“This is unprofessional, Jihoon-ssi,” Daeun says, voice sounding a little softer than it had been when they were arguing.

“Don’t give me that bullshit,” Jihoon snaps, still riding high on anger. “If you hadn’t given me a reason to be unprofessional, this could all be avoided, but no — you decided to bring something up that shouldn’t have been brought up in the first place, or ever. Think twice before you foolishly believe I’ll let a bitch like you stomp all over me.”

“That is enough, Jihoon!” Soonyoung exclaims fiercely, eyes narrowing on him. “You’re going too far!”

“So you draw the line when I call her a bitch but not when I’m trying to defend myself from her twisted narrative?” Jihoon asks incredulously, a little hurt. He scoffs a little and crosses his arms. “You’re truly incredible, Kwon Soonyoung. When will you fucking realize I’m not the fucking bad guy here, huh? Or are you going to keep believing what you want to believe and make others believe that stupid narrative of yours?”

Jihoon doesn’t want to admit that Soonyoung choosing Daeun over him stings so much more than he wants it to. He can feel everything inside him going mushy and weak but he has to keep a strong front up. He has to, because how else is he going to power through this filming with nothing but a heart he knew was long broken?

“That’s why I’m here,” Soonyoung says exasperatedly, throwing his hand out. “If not to finish this music video, my next priority was to talk things out with you. How can I do that when you won’t even listen?”

“Then I guess you know how I fucking felt when you left that door four damn years ago,” Jihoon says coldly.

Soonyoung’s face falls. 

Jihoon hates to admit that instead of feeling satisfied by the look on his face, he feels like absolute shit instead. Ever since their talk in the bathroom, he’s been trying to convince himself that Soonyoung deserves what’s coming to him, because he himself knows damn well that he didn’t have it easy those four years ago either. 

Jihoon takes a step back and looks away to glare at the headboard of the bed. “Your priority should have never been me in the first place with how you made me feel,” he says stiffly. Every word feels like it’s slicing his tongue. “If I was truly someone to you, you would’ve stayed to listen, but you didn’t. You’re a hypocrite, Kwon Soonyoung. Whatever was between us is over. ”

He chances a glance at Soonyoung again and immediately looks away when he catches sight of the dancer’s expression. The teary eyes are now ingrained into his mind, ghosting him everywhere he looks, but he has to stay strong. He has to stay strong for himself.

“You know what really hurts the most though?” Jihoon continues, a second too late before he can stop himself. “It wasn’t the fact that you left me. It was because I was foolish to think all those seven years of being together, going on dates and being in love — all of that meant nothing to you, because apparently you have no faith in me, right? I’m just another Busan asshole.”

The words come out more thickly than he wants it to, and he takes a second struggling to swallow the lump in his throat. He can feel the heat stubbornly trying to worm its way out of his eyes but he takes a deep breath before he can act on his emotions. He can’t let the same thing happen to him again.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung says, voice trembling as he tries to reach out for the director. “Jihoon, that’s not why I — ”

Jihoon shakes his head and takes another step back, wrapping his arms around himself as though he were trying to shield himself from whatever Soonyoung has to say. If Soonyoung managed to hurt him in the past, who’s to say he won’t do it again?

“Don’t.” His voice comes out as hard as steel. “Don’t try to waste your time and fix something that’s damaged. That isn’t fair and you know that. We are done, Kwon Soonyoung. Our chapter is over and our book has ended. Why don’t you fix yourself before you even try fixing me? Not that you should, because I’m already broken beyond repair anyway.”

With one last glare that he tries to make look as harsh as possible, he turns on his heel and walks back to his chair. He’s only vaguely aware that the whole warehouse had suddenly gone quiet but right now, he really can’t bring himself to care. 

Why should he care when he’s broken beyond repair anyway, right?

Jihoon isn’t the most organized of people. That’s only one of the things he can truly admit to himself. His emotions are haywire and his mind is even more hectic, and where his mind is a static of chaos, his heart is pounding loudly against his ribcage like the roaring waves.

He can feel his fingers shaking as the anxiety begins to build up in his chest. He doesn’t exactly know why he’s feeling so jumpy, so panicked. He thinks the overwhelming situation of it all, how unexpected it was to work with Soonyoung in the first place, finding out that Daeun knows one side of the story — it’s all beginning to take its toll on him and he doesn’t know how to react.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this in the first place. He and Soonyoung were never supposed to meet again. Soonyoung was supposed to grow up as a successful idol and Jihoon, a famous director. Maybe Soonyoung would have settled down a few years from now with a family that the Jihoon four years ago would have only dreamed of. And Jihoon…

Jihoon would be living his life as he always has: trying to forget about Soonyoung, Wonwoo being there to push his _why don’t you try being friends with Soonyoung_ agenda onto him, Jihoon remembering every single memory he shared with Soonyoung as a result, then wallowing himself in his own regret and bitterness to even have the strength to do something about his failed relationship.

The only purpose in his life now is to live. The love part lost its meaning when Soonyoung decided he didn’t want to be a part of it, and it took Jihoon so many nights out of getting drunk and wasted to help him close those wounds.

But now that everything is beginning to rush at him at once, perhaps those wounds haven’t closed at all. The stitches have unraveled and now his heart lay bare for everyone to see how ugly and damaged it is. 

He can feel the world beginning to close in on him. The sick feeling in his stomach begins to swell considerably when he realizes this feeling isn’t new to him. It’s exactly how he’d felt when he’d gotten down on his knees, begging for Soonyoung to stay and listen to him despite knowing he would have ruined all his plans for a romantic getaway to keep a secret.

It’s nothing new to him at all.

“Jihoon?” Wonwoo asks upon seeing him approach. His concerned expression only pisses Jihoon off more. “Are you okay?”

“You don’t get to ask me that, Jeon Wonwoo,” Jihoon says bitterly, every movement furious and laced with aggression as he snatches his cup of coffee. “How dare you have the audacity to ask me if I’m okay when it was your intention for us to supposedly make up for our failed relationship? Now look where it ended up. I wish I could say I appreciated your efforts, but I really don’t.”

Wonwoo falls quiet, slowly returning his gaze back to the set.

“You shouldn’t have tried to set me and Soonyoung up again, even if your intention was for us to only be friends,” Jihoon continues, chucking his cup of coffee in a nearby trash bin. “Everything was fine before we met again. We had our own paths to take and we both had our own roads to success, and now all of that is ruined.”

He grabs the folder containing his list of shots and scans through it, and if anyone would see him up close, they’d definitely think he was trying to burn holes into the paper. Just looking at the paper makes him feel like he shouldn’t have drawn anything out in the first place. He should’ve been more assertive with Wonwoo and told him he refused to accept this project.

Now he can’t look at the folder without images of Soonyoung in his head.

“I need fresh air,” Jihoon mutters under his breath, closing the folder and shoving it in Wonwoo’s lap. “Take over for the rest of the day. I won’t get anything done if I have to look at those two again. Just have the footage organized and ready for tomorrow so we can get this done and over with as soon as possible.”

Grabbing his Valentino bag in one hand, he’s about to turn and leave when Wonwoo speaks up, making him stop in his tracks.

“I never intended for you to feel this way, Jihoon,” Wonwoo says slowly. “Trust me when I say that if I had known your relationship was this broken, I probably would have never done it.”

Jihoon clenches his fist. “It doesn’t matter either way,” he snarks back. “You shouldn’t have done anything in the first place.”

He’s about to continue his journey of getting some much needed fresh air when Wonwoo speaks again.

“Don’t blame me, Jihoon,” Wonwoo says simply, face devoid of emotion. “This is your fault as much as it is mine. Blame yourself for letting your grudge get this far. If you’re truly over Soonyoung as you foolishly make yourself believe, you wouldn’t be feeling such intense emotions right now.” 

Sometimes Jihoon wishes Wonwoo could just disappear from existence. Wherein he’s the irritable and irrational one between their relationship because of his short temper, Wonwoo has always been the voice of reason. Call Jihoon immature, but he absolutely despises being proved wrong, especially if it’s Jeon Wonwoo being the one to do so.

“You can’t run away from all your problems,” Wonwoo says, flicking lazily through the folder shoved on his lap. 

“And who are you to dictate what I do, Wonwoo-ssi?”

It takes a while for Wonwoo to respond, and Jihoon isn’t about to wait five minutes for his dramatization. He shrugs his bag over his shoulder and turns around to take his leave when Wonwoo decides it would be the best time to interrupt him again. 

“If you run away now, you are no better than the Soonyoung who left you four years ago. I’m sure your parents would’ve wanted you to treat him better too.”

Jihoon freezes in his tracks, feeling the words pierce into his chest like needles.

“I just thought I’d be the one giving you the cold, harsh truth now,” Wonwoo says with a casual shrug, as if he hadn’t just said the most bewildering thing. “It kind of feels nice to not be the one on the receiving end of it, but yeah. Just thought you should know.” 

Something in Jihoon constricts. He feels sick.

Wonwoo glances at his watch, then peers back to look at the director. “Well, text me once you’re done with your breakdown. We don’t have a lot of time left and we’re behind schedule,” he says, raising the megaphone up to his mouth and turning back to the set. “Okay, everyone! Get into positions! We’ll take it back from where we left off from before!”

Jihoon needs a drink. A good, _long_ drink.

Without waiting for anything else Wonwoo has to say, he flees from the warehouse and doesn’t look back once.

—

“Wonwoo?”

Wonwoo looks up from where he’s packing his things, raising an eyebrow when he sees Soonyoung standing in front of him. The idol looks a little nervous, looking like he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. Wonwoo chuckles inwardly and turns to him, tilting his head questioningly.

“Hey, Soons,” he greets, and he sees Soonyoung relax a little. “What’s up?”

“Uh.” Soonyoung fiddles with the ends of his sleeves for a bit. “I just wanted — uh, Jihoon — is he okay? You know...with me...” He throws his hand out towards the set, “...being here and all?”

 _Oh._

Wonwoo smiles awkwardly at him. “He’ll come around,” he says, and Soonyoung deflates a little, but nods anyway as though he’d been expecting it. “He’s just a little scared because he’s been hurting a lot.”

“Oh,” Soonyoung utters, eyes lowering. “Is it...because of me?”

Wonwoo returns to packing his things, trying to think of what he should say without swerving out of his lane. A lot of the things Jihoon’s been hurt from are all personal matters that Wonwoo can’t specify. Sure, Soonyoung is one of those said personal matters but Wonwoo doubts that’s what he wants to hear.

“He’s been hurting from...a lot of things,” Wonwoo says carefully. “It’s not just you, but that’s something he should be telling you.” He returns his gaze to Soonyoung. “I know he might not seem very cooperative right now, but...have some patience with him. You guys need to talk and get closure with each other or else you both will be stuck in this loop of trying to understand each other and just fighting it out again.”

Soonyoung nods. He opens his mouth to say something then quickly closes it again, seeming unsure of himself.

“What is it?” Wonwoo asks.

“Um.” Soonyoung flounders for a bit. “Do you...Do you know what happened?”

“I have a gist of it,” Wonwoo shrugs. “It’s not my place to ask and I don’t like taking sides without knowing both stories, but I’d rather you both just get your shit together rather than me trying to understand what made you guys break up in the first place.”

Soonyoung nods again, looking relieved this time. “Thanks...Wons.”

Wonwoo sends him a lopsided grin. “You’re so stiff now, Soons,” he chuckles, opening his arms. “Come on now. Don’t be a stranger.”

Like that, Soonyoung seems to brighten up. He doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Wonwoo in a warm, familiar hug, and Wonwoo would be lying if he said he didn’t miss Soonyoung’s hugs. 

“I’m still convinced Jihoon loves you,” Wonwoo reassures, patting Soonyoung’s back. “Don’t give up on him the way he’s already given up on himself.”

Soonyoung’s arms tighten around him. “I won’t,” he promises when he pulls away.

Wonwoo’s about to say something, preferably asking if Soonyoung would like to set a date so they can hang out and catch up sometime, when his phone rings. With a sigh, he takes his phone out of his pocket and glances at the caller ID. He lets out a deeper sigh in return.

“Speak of the devil and he shall appear,” he mutters, accepting the call. “Jihoon — ”

 _“Wonwoo.”_ There’s a sob. _“Wonwooooooo.”_

Wonwoo sighs and rubs his fingers over the bridge of his nose. He knows that tone anywhere. 

“Shit, Ji,” he says. “Are you drunk right now? Where the fuck are you? Did you at least bring someone to drive you home? Don’t tell me you went to a bar alone. It’s way too late.” He glances at his watch. 11:39 p.m. It’s way too late. 

_“Wons,”_ Jihoon wails, and Wonwoo winces at how loud he is. _“Wons, I’m sorry. Can you — Are you mad at me? Please don’t be mad. I didn’t mean it. You know I love you, right? You won’t leave me? Please don’t leave me. I’m sorry, don’t leave.”_

Wonwoo falls silent, trying to process what exactly Jihoon is saying. He glances at Soonyoung, who’d also fallen quiet and has the look on his face where he’s concentrating on something. In this case, it’s Jihoon’s words.

 _“Wons, you won’t leave me too, will you?”_ Jihoon sniffles. _“You won’t leave me like everyone else did, right? Please stay. Stay with me, please — ”_ Another sob. _“I don’t want to be alone again…”_

Wonwoo’s breath hitches at that. It seems that drunk Jihoon is also a terribly honest Jihoon, but then again, alcohol can make people do things they wouldn’t normally do. Wonwoo thought Jihoon wouldn’t be so open like this considering he can hold his alcohol pretty well.

 _“Soonyoung left me,”_ Jihoon continues with a sniff. _“He left me because I wasn’t good enough — ”_

Wonwoo’s eyes widen in alarm, and Soonyoung peers at him in surprise. 

“Jihoon, wait,” he tries to cut in. “Soonyoung can hear what you’re — ”

 _“What have I done wrong, Wons?”_ Jihoon doesn’t seem to hear him. _“Was I not worthy enough to give an explanation? I — I sacrificed everything and yet...and yet I got nothing in return. Everyone — Everyone keeps leaving me. First it was Soonyoung...then eomma and a-appa...what am I doing wrong? Everyone hates me. I’m losing everyone and I — I feel so — I can’t — ”_ Another sob. _“Wons, please. You’re the only one I have left. I can’t lose you too. Say you won’t leave me, Wons. Please.”_

Wonwoo stares at Soonyoung who stares back at him, expression caught between pain and disbelief. If he were in Soonyoung’s shoes, he wouldn’t be too sure of how he’d react either. Jihoon is unintentionally dropping the bomb out of nowhere, not knowing that Soonyoung can hear him. This is going to get really messy.

 _“Wons? Wons. Answer me.”_

Another long stretch of silence occurs.

Wonwoo raises an eyebrow at Soonyoung, mouthing _‘you know what to do’_ at him. All he receives is a determined nod back.

“Wait for me,” he speaks up after a couple of minutes, then hangs up the phone.

“Shit,” Soonyoung sighs, running a hand through his hair. “He’s been feeling that way the whole time?”

Wonwoo shrugs and hooks his jacket over his shoulders. “I honestly didn’t know it was to this extent either,” he confesses. “He doesn’t really like talking about it but I can see it every time he looks at you, you know? You’re both hurting. This is the best time to resolve all your conflicts and be on some middle ground.”

Soonyoung stays quiet, looking like he’s battling himself internally. “What am I supposed to do…?”

“You’re riding with me,” Wonwoo says, hitching his bag over his shoulder. “Go change. Can’t have you wandering around in your obvious idol attire now, can we? We’ll pick Jihoon up and I’ll let you take it from there.”

Soonyoung looks down at himself and smiles sheepishly. “Thanks, Wons. I owe you one.” Then he turns around and heads for the changing rooms.

Wonwoo sighs, just as Mingyu walks over and wraps an arm around him. He leans into his boyfriend’s touch, watching from afar as Soonyoung talks to one of the stylist noona’s for a change of clothes.

“You think they’ll be okay?” Mingyu asks quietly, ever so worried.

Wonwoo pats his chest. “Don’t worry about them, Goo. Fate has something good planned for them. I can feel it.”

“How can you be so sure?”

Grinning, Wonwoo quirks an eyebrow up at him. “Do tell me every single moment I’ve ever been wrong.”

Mingyu licks his lips in concentration, eyes flickering about as he tries to recall something. Sure enough, his mind comes up blank and Wonwoo’s face is ever so victorious and smug.

“Okay, fine,” he sighs, fondly pushing Wonwoo’s glasses up. “Maybe I can’t remember or maybe you really haven’t been wrong. Yet.”

“Yet?” Wonwoo asks.

Mingyu nods. “I’ll find something to prove you wrong with.”

Wonwoo chuckles and shakes his head, leaning up to press a kiss against the corner of Mingyu’s lips. “I doubt it but you can try. You won’t get very far. My instincts have never been wrong.”

Mingyu rolls his eyes. “Yeah, whatever,” he mutters. “I guess you’re not coming home with me tonight?”

“Sorry,” Wonwoo apologizes sheepishly. “I need to play superhero for today for two idiots who don’t know what they’re feeling.”

Chuckling, Mingyu kisses his forehead. “Hmm, sounded like us before. You’re making it up to me tomorrow by cooking breakfast. No backsies this time and I mean it. All your aegyo won’t work on me tomorrow, I promise.”

Laughing, Wonwoo sighs fondly with an exasperated, “Call,” and an affectionate kiss to Mingyu’s cheek. “We’ll see tomorrow, babe."

—

Jihoon doesn’t know how many glasses he’s had already, but he knows he’s drunk as hell. With every shot he downed, he could feel all his stress ease up and the worries wash away. This was exactly what he thought he needed, yet why does he feel so unsatisfyingly empty?

He rests his fist against his temple as he lazily brings his eyes up to watch a football game on the television. The colors of the field and the players’ outfits blend together in shades of green, red, and blues, and he vaguely tries to recall if he’s ever been such a lightweight. He doesn’t think he’s had too much to drink, but he can feel his head beginning to throb dully.

He waves a hand at the bartender, who’s washing glasses with a cloth. “Hey,” he almost slurs, straightening up and trying not to seem as drunk as he really is. “One more shot.”

The bartender gives him a side eye but nonetheless pours Jihoon another shot wordlessly. The director nods his head in gratitude and tilts his head back as he downs it like it’s water. His face screws up at the bitter taste and he shakes his head with a guttural groan, rubbing a hand over his eyes to get rid of the black dots beginning to cloud his vision.

He suddenly feels the urge to vent out to someone what he’s feeling, but he thinks the bartender would be more than unhappy to be his venting partner. He makes a mental note to give the poor guy a generous tip before he leaves — if he can manage to stand on his own two feet after all the shots he’s taken, that is.

 _Wonwoo,_ he thinks reasonably, licking his lips as his throat begins to dry up again. _I should call him and — and tell him…_

Before he can finish his thought, his hand is already reaching into his pocket to pull out his phone, fingers hovering over Wonwoo’s contact before he stops himself. What is he thinking? What kind of friend would he be wanting to ask for a venting session when he practically treated his co-director like shit? 

_Maybe..._ Jihooon thinks numbly, staring at the cat on Wonwoo’s contact picture. _Maybe that’s why I’m always being left behind? That’s why...people keep leaving me?_

His hands grow cold where they grasp his phone. He can feel every breath he exhales becoming shakier as his mind begins to flash with memories, not only of Soonyoung, but of two people he holds dear to him — all taken from him faster than he could blink.

It was just a year after Soonyoung left him when his parents were taken from him next. 

Jihoon remembers getting the phone call as clear as day. He remembers the sorrow in the doctor’s voice when she revealed that his parents had gotten into a car crash and unfortunately did not survive as a result of a drunk driver recklessly crashing into them. He remembers it all as if it were yesterday.

Surprisingly, he didn’t cry that day. He thinks he went into some sort of shock after the phone call had ended. He remembers just sitting there on his couch, mind filled with static and body sagging against the cushions like dead weight. He didn’t move for at least two hours, mind uselessly trying to process the words at a snail’s pace. 

It had taken him days to come to terms with what happened, and even then, he still didn’t cry. He’s done it all — attended the funeral, seen their dead bodies for one last time before the caskets were closed and they were lowered to the ground. It was a private event, one that he shared with only his closest friends, but even the warmth their hugs provided couldn’t bring the emotions out in him.

It was from that point on did he realize he was living, but he didn’t feel alive. 

He remembers just shutting down after that, mind on autopilot and body moving like a robot. He threw himself into his work, invested all his energy and time in filming and whatever he could do to take his mind off of everything. At that point, he became desperate for something good to happen for once, but none of the awards he’s earned could fix or heal his broken heart, and he thinks that’s the worst part of it all.

He’s weak but he’s too afraid to admit it. If he lets the same thing happen to him — if Wonwoo leaves him next, maybe even Mingyu — he doesn’t think he can handle more pain and loneliness. 

Now that Soonyoung’s been reintroduced into his life, he’s terrified of going through the same thing again. He’s been pushing away everyone dear to him from his fear, not knowing that he’s enabling that fear of his to grow as a result of his actions.

He doesn’t realize he’s started tearing up until his phone rings in his hand. When he glances at the caller ID, he can’t help but feel a sense of dread overcome him. He doesn’t think twice before he accepts the call, movements impulsive and frantic.

_“Jihoon — ”_

“Wonwoo.” A sob unexpectedly bursts out of his lips. “Wonwooooooo.”

He hears Wonwoo sigh on the other line. _“Shit, Ji. Are you drunk right now? Where the fuck are you? Did you at least bring someone to drive you home? Don’t tell me you went to a bar alone. It’s way too late.”_

“Wons,” Jihoon wails, not caring if the other people sitting a few seats away from him turn to give him a dirty eye. “Wons, I’m sorry. Can you — Are you mad at me? Please don’t be mad. I didn’t mean it. You know I love you, right? You won’t leave me? Please don’t leave me. I’m sorry, don’t leave.”

Wonwoo falls silent on the other line but Jihoon doesn’t take notice in it, too scared out of his wits that he’d lose another person he considers dear to him. He can’t lose Wonwoo either. Wonwoo is one of the only few people he has left that truly knows him inside out. Losing him would mean losing himself.

“Wons, you won’t leave me too, will you?” Jihoon sniffs, dropping his head to rest in his folded arm. “You won’t leave me like everyone else did, right? Please stay. Stay with me, please — ” He breaks out into another sob, vision blurring as he mindlessly stares at his empty shot glass. “I don’t want to be alone again…”

He vaguely hears Wonwoo’s breath hitch but he keeps going, mouth on autopilot as he vents out everything he’s been feeling for the past few years. Sober Jihoon would hit drunk Jihoon over the head for revealing all the pain he’s been holding in. Nobody was meant to hear anything from him, ever.

“Soonyoung left me,” he sniffles, wiping furiously at his eyes. “He left me because I wasn’t good enough — ”

_“Jihoon, wait. Soonyoung can hear what you’re — ”_

“What have I done wrong, Wons?” he asks miserably, beginning to hiccup. “Was I not worthy enough to give an explanation? I — I sacrificed everything and yet...and yet I got nothing in return. Everyone — Everyone keeps leaving me. First it was Soonyoung...then eomma and a-appa...what am I doing wrong? Everyone hates me. I’m losing everyone and I — I feel so — I can’t — ” Another sob spills out of his throat. “Wons, please. You’re the only one I have left. I can’t lose you too. Say you won’t leave me, Wons. Please.”

The other line is quiet for a moment, and Jihoon feels that familiar sense of dread creeping up at the back of his neck. 

“Wons?” he whispers, throat locking. “Wons. Answer me.”

Another long stretch of silence occurs, two clinks of some shot glasses, then a curt, _“Wait for me.”_

The call hangs up before Jihoon can say anything, and he’s left staring dumbly through his empty shot glass as the hold around his phone slackens. That same static feeling is present in his head again. He doesn’t know what to think. 

There’s suddenly an insistent tapping right next to his head and he lazily lifts his head to look up at the annoyed bartender.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the bar,” he says, looking uncomfortable as much as he is annoyed. “You’ve disturbed some of our other customers.”

Jihoon peers around and notices that some of the other customers are looking at him and whispering to each other. He almost scoffs. He could care less about what they think. Sure, he just had a mental breakdown but at least he can mind his own business. Who cares about his reputation when he’s ruined his image long ago?

“Sorry,” he says blandly, taking his wallet out and slapping three ₩10,000 down on the counter. “Keep the change. I’ll get out of your hair.”

With that, he hops off the stool and stumbles his way towards the entrance, feeling his head spin as he tries to concentrate on placing one foot in front of the other. 

_One step, two step, three step, four step, six step — ugh. One step, two step, three step, four step, five step…_

Before he knows it, he’s finally made his way outside, nearly tripping and face planting into a street lamp. Fortunately, no one is there to witness his dilemma but he still feels a little humiliated, both for looking like a sad drunk and because he knows he can’t walk very far unless he wants to collapse in the middle of the sidewalk in his drunken state. 

He looks around, blinking hard to get rid of the bleariness of his vision. 

_Shit,_ he thinks inwardly, reaching up to rub his temple when he feels the back of his head beginning to throb. _Where am I supposed to go? Am I just s’posed to wait here?_

He leans against the brick wall and rubs his hands down his face, feeling years’ worth of exhaustion and numbness beginning to weigh down on him. He crosses his arms over his chest and squats down, trying to blend in with his surroundings as he waits for Wonwoo to pick him up. 

Seconds go by that feels like minutes and minutes go by that feels like hours. Jihoon doesn’t know how long he waits but he’s starting to feel like a cat that’s been left out in the cold for too long. Now that he thinks about it, he hasn’t eaten dinner yet either.

It feels like decades pass before Jihoon catches sight of some bright lights heading his way and he shields his eyes with a hiss, feeling the throb in his head becoming stronger. He hears the rumble of the engine as the car stops right next to him, the sound of the doors opening and closing before footsteps pad up to him.

“Good grief, how much have you been drinking?” comes Wonwoo’s voice, sounding displeased.

Jihoon looks up at him with a lopsided grin. “Uh, I don’t know?” he utters, counting silently on his fingers. “Five...maybe eight drinks? Something like that.” 

Wonwoo frowns. “Eight drinks is quite a leap from five drinks, don’t you think?” he mutters, but nonetheless reaches down and pulls Jihoon up from his squatted position. He nearly stumbles when Jihoon rests his weight heavily on him. “Jesus Christ, Jihoon...you might’ve had more than eight drinks. I know you’re not a lightweight.”

Jihoon only hums and closes his eyes, wanting nothing more than to just sleep all his problems away.

“Soons, take Jihoon into the car,” is what Wonwoo says, and that instantly has Jihoon’s eyes opening to peer over Wonwoo’s shoulder. “I think you two need to have a long talk. Don’t worry about me — I’ll call Mingyu or something.”

“What?!” Jihoon screeches, trying to wrestle himself out of Wonwoo’s arms as his so-called friend fishes his car keys out of his pocket and tosses them to Soonyoung. “You’re leaving me alone with him?!” He points a finger at Soonyoung, who stands awkwardly by the passenger’s door of his car. “Wonwoo, no. ”

“No, you both need to get your shit together,” Wonwoo says firmly, holding onto Jihoon’s biceps firmly to keep him in place. “I am tired of seeing you trying to hide your pain, Jihoon. Let me be the one to tell you that you aren’t hiding it as well as you think. You are hurting, and your pain is the most obvious now — ”

“I’m fine,” Jihoon grits out stubbornly. “I don’t need to talk to him — ”

“Don’t give me that bullshit!” Wonwoo snaps, eyes piercing as they glare into Jihoon’s. “You were fucking crying over the phone, Jihoon. And I know damn well you wouldn’t have said all those things had you known Soonyoung was there next to me hearing everything you said.”

It’s like all the remaining gears in Jihoon’s head just stopped turning.

“He what?!” he yells, feeling something in his chest just drop. His eyes flash to Soonyoung’s own. “What the fuck do you mean he heard?! He — He heard? Like — Like he…”

“He heard everything you said,” Wonwoo sighs, pushing his glasses up. “What you said about him...your parents...he knows, Jihoon.”

Jihoon feels like everything in his body just shut down. He stares at Wonwoo blankly, then slowly moves his eyes to Soonyoung’s. The idol is shifting nervously on his feet, stuffing his hands in his hoodie pockets and adjusting the mask on his face to keep hidden from the public.

“Let’s talk, Jihoon,” Soonyoung says quietly, looking at him pleadingly. “We both need it.”

Jihoon blinks at him twice then lets out a laugh, shaking his head as he pushes himself off Wonwoo. He stumbles a little but he catches himself against the brick wall, mind running a thousand miles as he tries to think of ways he can escape this. He could run away, if he wants to trip and fall flat on his face, that is. Or he can pretend he doesn’t remember anything, but that wouldn’t make sense now considering he was yelling about it.

“Fuck,” he curses instead, running a hand through his hair as he looks around, looking for an escape. “What the fuck.”

“Jihoon, let’s talk, please,” Soonyoung pleads, stepping forward and grasping onto Jihoon’s wrist. “I want to explain myself, and...you deserve to hear it. I don’t want us to be stuck in this enemy phase.”

Jihoon scoffs and shakes him off. “It’s not that I don’t think I deserve an explanation, Soonyoung. It’s that you don’t deserve to make me listen to you.”

“For fuck’s sake, Jihoon!” Wonwoo groans. “Get your head out of your ass and stop putting yourself on a pedestal! You’re so stuck up on your relationship that you keep pushing Soonyoung away, but then you keep wondering why he left you. Pick a narrative to stick to, _please.”_

Jihoon falls silent, unsure of what to say because as always, Wonwoo has a point.

“I’m tired of listening to you idiots dwelling on the past and convincing yourselves that you’re over each other, but you know what the truth is?” Wonwoo continues, crossing his arms with a huff. “If you both are truly over each other, none of this would’ve happened — all the crying, that fight back in the warehouse, Jihoon being jealous of Daeun, Soonyoung making such an effort to make things up between you two — absolutely none of that would’ve happened.”

“So what the hell is your point?” Jihoon demands, rubbing his forehead in frustration. 

Wonwoo lets out a long, slow sigh and looks up at the night sky, as though he’s praying for someone to come and help him. After a few moments of silence, he returns his gaze back to Soonyoung and Jihoon.

“You both still love each other,” Wonwoo says bluntly, “but you’re both too high on your horses to admit it because you don’t want to go through the same thing again, especially you, Jihoon.”

Jihoon feels that same constricting feeling in his throat and he stumbles back as though Wonwoo’s words had actually slapped him. He looks away from Soonyoung immediately, instead pointedly glaring at some bushes nearby. He’s not sure why he can’t refute Wonwoo’s statement. It’s not true in the slightest.

Right?

“That’s not true,” he mutters, voice coming out unexpectedly small.

“Then look Soonyoung in the eye and tell him that to his face,” Wonwoo orders. “Tell him you don’t love him then I’ll leave this whole thing alone and admit that I’m wrong. Do you back down from a challenge, Lee Jihoon?”

Jihoon musters up the nastiest glare he can throw at Wonwoo, hissing at him in annoyance. “Fuck you, Wonwoo. Seriously.”

Wonwoo raises an eyebrow and jerks his head towards Soonyoung. “I’m waiting.”

Wishing he could do more to express his anger, Jihoon immediately whirls around to face Soonyoung, mouth opening to say those cruel words. The words, however, immediately die on his tongue when he takes in Soonyoung’s expression.

Soonyoung’s eyes are glinting with something akin to hope. Although half of his face is covered in a mask, Soonyoung’s eyes have always been the windows to his soul. They’ve always been expressive, and Jihoon can see each emotion flickering in his dark orbs clearly. Soonyoung’s always worn his heart on his sleeve, and this time is no different.

He swallows hard and takes in a deep breath. 

_I can say it,_ he tries to convince himself. _I’m over him. You’re over him, Lee Jihoon. You don’t love him anymore. You can say it._

“I don’t — ” he starts, eyes wavering as he tries to keep eye contact with Soonyoung. He shifts his gaze a little and continues, “I don’t — I don’t love you.”

Wonwoo raises an eyebrow. “Try again, Jihoon.”

Jihoon clicks his tongue and shoves his hands in his pockets. “What the hell does this prove?” he snaps, glaring at Wonwoo. “This is useless!”

Wonwoo doesn’t budge. “If you truly feel nothing for Soonyoung, you wouldn’t have such a hard time saying ‘I don’t love you’ to him, so no — it’s not useless, Jihoon. You’re just trying to avoid your problems like you always do, but I won’t let you get past me. If you can say it to Soonyoung, I’ll leave you alone with all my nagging.”

With an irritated sigh, Jihoon turns back to face Soonyoung, not quite looking at him yet but glaring at their surroundings in annoyance. He takes a minute to gather his thoughts and bring his eyes up to meet Soonyoung’s sharp ones.

“I,” he begins, feeling his gaze beginning to waver again. “I don’t love — ” His tongue thickens and his eyes shift at the last second. “I don’t love you.” His gaze flickers back to Soonyoung’s.

It’s quiet for a moment as both Soonyoung and Wonwoo stare at him. He squirms a little, feeling uncomfortable under their heavy gazes as he looks away. It takes him a second to realize how hot his ears feel but he tries not to mind it, the static feeling in his mind taking over again and the throbbing becoming more prominent.

“Okay,” Wonwoo drawls, sounding unconvinced. He turns to Soonyoung. “Now say the same thing to Jihoon and don’t be a coward like he is.”

Jihoon scowls deeply at him but Wonwoo pays him no mind, staring intently at Soonyoung with a challenging stare.

Soonyoung doesn’t even speak.

“That’s what I thought,” Wonwoo snarks, running a hand through his hair. “Now so help me, the both of you are going back to Jihoon’s condo to talk things out and fix your shit or I swear to god , I am going to give you guys both hell tomorrow.”

He storms away into the bar Jihoon came from, muttering something under his breath that sounds oddly like, “I need to get drunk,” before he opens the door and disappears inside.

Now that leaves Jihoon alone with _him._

Soonyoung clears his throat and reaches up to scratch the back of his nape. “Um, so — ”

Jihoon stomps over to the passenger’s side and opens the door. “Drive,” he barks. “My head is pounding and I’m cold. And don’t talk. The last thing I want to hear is your voice.” Upon seeing Soonyoung open his mouth to retort, he says, “We’ll talk in my condo, whatever. Let’s just fucking go so Wonwoo won’t be such an asshole tomorrow.”

Without waiting to see Soonyoung’s expression, Jihoon opens the door and slides himself in with a sigh, limply resting his head against the backseat and closing his eyes. He hears Soonyoung open the driver’s door and slide in, silent as he inserts the key in the engine and starts the car.

The ride back to Jihoon’s condo isn’t a far journey, but it certainly feels like a road trip. Jihoon keeps his head turned away towards the window the whole time, eyes closed as he attempts to take a quick nap to quell the throbbing in his head. It doesn’t really work, especially not when he can feel Soonyoung’s presence so heavily next to him.

Fortunately, Soonyoung doesn’t speak for the whole journey. Jihoon doesn’t know whether or not he should be uneasy or appreciative. There’s a strong sense of nervousness radiating from Soonyoung’s aura, which is also evident from his fingers tapping on the steering wheel.

Jihoon doesn’t say anything either. He’s too nervous that trying to strike a conversation with Soonyoung will inevitably lead to them talking about things that he knows deep down they have to talk about. 

Eventually, they do arrive at his condo. Every second that Jihoon counts until Soonyoung parks the car is stilting, each second stretching out further than the last. The car comes to a smooth park soon enough, but Jihoon still doesn’t look at Soonyoung even as he turns off the engine.

He opens the door and steps out, nearly stumbling over from the sudden pounding in his head. Soonyoung is by his side in an instant, hands automatically finding their place around his waist to steady him.

Jihoon shoves his hands away. “I don’t need your help,” he mutters, taking three steps forward before he stumbles again.

Soonyoung sighs. “You can’t even walk straight,” he says, matter-of-factly. He locks the doors of the car, walks in front of Jihoon, bends down, and offers his back to him. “Come on. Get on. I doubt you can even walk up the stairs at this rate.”

Jihoon stares at his back for a moment before releasing a sigh. Slowly, he leans down and drapes himself over Soonyoung’s back, wrapping his arms around his neck and resting his chin on his shoulder. He can smell Soonyoung’s cologne from their close proximity. He still smells the same as before.

“You didn’t change it,” he mutters before he can stop himself. 

Soonyoung stands up and hoists Jihoon higher up his back before he begins walking. “Change what?”

“Your cologne.”

“Oh.”

Soonyoung doesn’t say anything more but he keeps traveling up the stairs, hoisting Jihoon up every time they reach a new platform. Jihoon really tries not to concentrate on how close their faces are, but every sense of his is overwhelmed with Soonyoung, Soonyoung, Soonyoung.

They reach Jihoon’s door in the next few minutes and Soonyoung fishes for the keys in his pocket to unlock the door. When they walk in, Soonyoung toes off his shoes, even going as far as to remove Jihoon’s shoes the best he can despite holding him up. As much as Jihoon doesn’t want to admit it, he can’t help but feel warm at the gesture, finding it very reminiscent of what they used to do before.

Soonyoung carries him to the bedroom, his body already memorizing the layout of Jihoon’s condo as if he’d been here just yesterday. Jihoon clambers off Soonyoung’s back the moment his butt makes contact with his bed, twisting his body until he can securely wrap himself in the blankets. He doesn’t care if he’s still in his work attire, he just needs to stall time and hope Soonyoung doesn’t ask to talk to him again.

“Do you want water?” Soonyoung asks after a few moments of silence. 

Jihoon takes that as an opportunity to get Soonyoung out of the room so he can breathe, even just for a moment. 

“Yes,” he mumbles, half muffled by the blanket.

Soonyoung seems to understand anyway. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

Without another word, Soonyoung leaves him to grab a glass of water, and despite knowing he’ll only be gone for a short time, Jihoon is terrified to admit how empty his absence makes him feel.

—

Soonyoung wanders into the kitchen to get a glass of water for Jihoon, mind still reeling at the fact that he’s here again, in the same place he left Jihoon in. The smell of the atmosphere, how he can easily make his way around the furniture from muscle memory, the way he knows every nook and cranny of the place like the back of his hand — he remembers it all.

He remembers all the memories he’s made too, as if they all happened just yesterday.

His eyes catch sight of the balcony. He remembers simply hanging out with Jihoon on the reclining chaise lounge so they could stargaze and have those cliche deep talks everyone wished they had. He remembers them giggling quietly to each other as they teased each other. He remembers being so comfortable with what they had.

He glances at the couch, remembering how he would cuddle with Jihoon on it during the middle of the day for lazy afternoon cuddles. Sometimes he’d offer to be little spoon when Jihoon was feeling particularly grumpy that day. Other times he’d wrap Jihoon up into his arms and be his own personal blanket burrito.

He averts his gaze to the kitchen. It’s as bare as he remembers, because Jihoon doesn’t cook much if not for the boxes of takeout he orders everyday. He can see himself sitting on the counter as Jihoon fed him noodles straight from the pot, asking if it needed more spice or not and laughing when he’d receive a teary-eyed glare in return.

His head turns a little farther to the left and feels all the good memories crashing down when his eyes catch sight of the front door. 

Clearing his throat a little, he makes his way into the kitchen and grabs a glass from the cabinet. He turns to the fridge to fill it up with some lukewarm water from the dispenser when his eyes catch something hung on the fridge.

Upon closer inspection, he feels his breath hitch.

It’s a polaroid of them. It was taken a while ago when they were still teens. Jihoon’s hair is all frayed and blonde with the roots dyed black, and he’s wearing Soonyoung’s red and purple flannel shirt. Soonyoung, on the other hand, has his hand up in what looks to be an attempt to fix Jihoon’s fringe to prevent it from going into his eyes. Jihoon’s smile is shy, and Soonyoung’s, bright.

 _We were so young then,_ Soonyoung thinks to himself, admiring the polaroid for a moment. He presses the glass against the dispenser to fill it up with water. _I’m surprised he didn’t take it off._

He takes the glass off once the glass is filled, slowly wandering around the condo to familiarize himself with the place. It seems like nothing’s really changed since the last time he’s been here. He tries not to dwell on the guilt eating him from the inside out.

He walks back into the room and finds Jihoon half asleep, the blankets strewn around his body almost haphazardly and his eyes drooping. Soonyoung finds his heart panging at the sight.

“Jihoon,” he whispers, tapping the younger man on the shoulder. “Here. Drink up. Do you have aspirin somewhere?”

Blinking, Jihoon looks up at him for a moment, eyes wide as though he’d momentarily forgotten where he was. He blinks again, twice this time, before he raises his body up and nods his head, rubbing his eyes before he grabs the glass of water Soonyoung offers him.

“It’s...somewhere,” he mumbles, taking a long sip of water. “I can’t remember...it might be in a drawer somewhere or something. Just leave it. I’ll be hungover either way tomorrow anyway.”

Soonyoung frowns and begins moving around the room, opening and closing any of the drawers his eyes catch sight of. Some of the drawers are bare, as expected from Jihoon being a minimalist. Some of the drawers are filled with random articles of clothing that aren't organized.

Jihoon watches him rummage through the drawers for a while before he sighs. 

“Soonyoung, just leave it,” he says quietly. “The bottle is probably empty anyway.”

“Empty?” Soonyoung frowns and goes to open another drawer, missing the way Jihoon’s eyes widen in alarm. “Why would it be empty? Have you been taking — ”

“Soonyoung, wait...wait, don’t open that — !”

Too late.

The first thing Soonyoung’s eyes land on is a folded picture frame. He feels his throat lock tight when he steps closer to get a better glance of it amidst the little light he can see. His eyes linger on the picture frame, becoming lightheaded when he realizes he’s unconsciously stilting his breath from shock.

Slowly, with trembling fingers and an unsteady exhale, he reaches forward and carefully grabs the frame in his hand. He waits for a beat, then two, then brings it up to his face so he can see it more clearly.

It was taken quite a while ago, Soonyoung can tell from Jihoon’s lemon colored hair in the photo. They both have one arm wrapped around each other and one hand grasping each other’s forearms like a lifeline. They’re both smiling at the camera like they’d been laughing, eyes turned into crescents and smiles wide on their faces. 

They look like they didn’t have a care in the world back then. Soonyoung remembers being so happy and content, just glad to have Jihoon by his side. He can’t exactly pinpoint the exact moment he started feeling the need to become more — more than what they were already. He wanted to be in Jihoon’s life forever.

It’s just sad to see that his greed pushed them away from each other instead.

Slowly, mind still trying to process a drawer full of them and their memories, he delicately places the picture frame on top of the drawer. His eyes travel to the next thing, which is a stack of post-it notes. 

He remembers leaving said notes everywhere. Sometimes, he’d do it because he knows he won’t see Jihoon for most of the day. Sometimes he just wanted to put a smile on his face and write corny jokes that he knew Jihoon would indulge him in. Other times, he simply wanted to do it because he just wanted to make Jihoon happy in the simplest way possible.

Oh, how all of that turned out to be the opposite of what he’d done.

He lets his eyes linger on each post-it, taking off the one on top to read through another. A lot of them range from corny jokes to questions to simple greetings and emoticons.

What made it all the more special was the fact that Jihoon would write a response back and leave them in the exact same place Soonyoung had stuck them on, hoping he’d read them when he came back from wherever it is he went.

> I hope my sweet grump has a good day today! <3  
>  **How can someone be sweet and a grump, Kwon Soonyoung?**
> 
> Nini! What did one oar say to the other?  
> Can I interest you in a little row-mance? :D  
>  **You romance me enough already, Nyong.**
> 
> When I asked you out, did saying no to me ever cross your mind? :(  
>  **I won’t ever say no to you.**
> 
> Do you think we’ll get married, Nini? <3  
>  **We’ll do whatever you want, Nyong <3**

Some of it were notes where Jihoon would actually initiate the first line.

> **Nyong, make sure to eat. You can heat up the ramen in the pantry.  
> ** Eating now! <3
> 
> **I’m going to the studio today. I’ll come home late. Sorry. Love you.  
> ** When you read this, I’ll be in our bed waiting for cuddles~
> 
> **How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?  
> ** **He gave her a ring.  
> ** Nini, I think you’re more corny than me! ><
> 
> **If you could get proposed to, where would it be?  
> ** The Wisteria flower tunnel in Japan! ><
> 
> **You’ll promise me infinity, right?  
> ** Infinity and beyond <3

Soonyoung’s throat dries more with every note he reads. By the end of it all, his heart is feeling heavy with shame and guilt. He promised infinity with Jihoon but he couldn’t even keep it.

He carefully stacks the post-it notes on top of each other before his eyes catch some things he doesn’t remember seeing before. His breath hitches.

“Jihoon…?” he whispers, slowly taking out a blue velvet box and what looks to be two plane tickets. “Jihoon, what is th — ” 

Before he can finish his question, Jihoon surges forward, snatches the box and plane tickets from him, and stuffs it back into the drawer. He closes it with a loud slam, his fingers trembling and eyes wide with apprehension as he grips the handle of the drawer tightly.

“Don’t.” Jihoon’s voice comes out tight and strong. “Don’t open this ever again. Forget about the aspirin, I don’t need it.”

With a glare aimed at Soonyoung, Jihoon turns around and clambers back onto the bed. Without another word, he buries himself beneath his blankets and pulls them over his head, not sparing Soonyoung another glance.

Soonyoung returns his gaze back to the closed drawer, mind racing and heart palpitating in his chest. What the hell were those? Why was there a box that looked oddly like a ring box, and why were there plane tickets that looked...strangely familiar? He wasn’t able to read the destination but still. Jihoon is planning to go somewhere. There’s no other explanation.

Slowly, feeling a little pained, Soonyoung makes his way around the bed and sits at the edge, turning his head to look at Jihoon. The younger man hasn’t moved a single inch and if Soonyoung hadn’t been with him for years, he might’ve thought Jihoon had fallen asleep. He knows Jihoon is awake though.

“Can we...Can we talk now?” Soonyoung asks quietly.

He can feel his nerves beginning to creep up on him but he tries to shake them off the best he can. They need to do this.

 _He_ needs to do this.

Jihoon doesn’t speak, nor does he take his head out of the covers. He stays as still as a rock, but Soonyoung can feel the anxiety radiating off him too. They’re both nervous but it’s a step they need to take in the right direction. It’s one step closer to mending their broken hearts.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Soonyoung starts, trying to make Jihoon as comfortable as he can. “I mean, it would be — it’d be nice to hear your side too, but I know...we fell apart because of me. I was too scared back then...because I — because I loved you so much, but then — ”

“I don’t understand,” Jihoon cuts him off, sliding the blanket off his head to peer at him with dark, questioning eyes. They look curious but empty at the same time. 

Soonyoung doesn’t remember them being so cautious around each other. 

“I don’t understand,” Jihoon repeats, softer. “If you loved me like you say you did...why did you leave me?”

Suddenly, it’s like all the words Soonyoung wanted to say had left his mind.

“You know…” Jihoon whispers, not waiting for an answer. “I had so much to say to you back then...but you didn’t even give me a chance to explain…I still have so much to say to you.”

Soonyoung stares at him, tongue feeling thick inside his mouth. It’s been too long since he’s had a good, proper look at Jihoon and now that he does, all he feels is shame creeping up in the back of his throat. He wants to throw up. He has no right to feel as humiliated as he does, not when Jihoon probably feels even worse. It’s almost exactly how he’d felt four years ago when he left Jihoon in the first place. 

This time though, he’s not going to leave like the coward he was. 

Jihoon looks like he’s seen better days. His eyes are puffy and swollen, the usually angry glare in his orbs gone, red around the rims from his crying at the bar. His lips, riddled with teeth indents and gnawed raw, are swollen too, and perhaps he’s never gotten rid of that lip biting habit of his. His face is flushed, no doubt from the amount of drinks he’s had prior, but his expression is void of any emotion. 

Soonyoung swallows hard. Jihoon looks like he’d given up on something important and lost all hope. He’s never seen that expression on his face before and it scares him, more than it ever has when Soonyoung had mustered up the courage to take one glance at Jihoon’s pitiful expression four years ago just before he closed the door on his face. 

“I still have so much to say to you…” Jihoon whispers, barely audible but voice laced with so much hurt, “but...I don’t know how to say it without making you leave again.”

Soonyoung feels so, so sick.

“I...I won’t leave,” he croaks pathetically. “I won’t leave you again — ”

Jihoon suddenly lets out a snort and covers his face with his hand. Something glints beneath the moonlight, and it’s then does Soonyoung’s eyes zero on the two rings glinting on his ring finger. His breath catches at the sight and he freezes, feeling something inside him just shatter. Maybe it’s his stomach after feeling as though it’s about to fly up his throat so he can vomit whatever is left in it, or maybe it’s something more reasonable, like his heart. 

So maybe it was difficult for him to forget Jihoon, or even attempt to. Maybe he had an urge to turn back and take Jihoon in his arms all those years ago, and maybe his pride had been too high up on a pedestal and perhaps his ego had been too bruised that he didn’t dare crawl back to the house he once called home. 

It had taken him a year to get over their breakup, a breakup he initiated in the first place. It had taken him longer to come to terms with the fact that he should’ve stayed to listen, that he should’ve stayed to hear Jihoon’s side of the story without being so impulsive. None of that happened until it was too late, and by then, they were both moving on with their lives.

Well, more like Jihoon was on his way to becoming a well known director in the film industry and Soonyoung was struggling to advertise himself to the public as a rising star in the music industry. Both were tough fields to work in. 

Soonyoung didn’t think he’d get this far, if he were completely honest. He thought Jihoon would’ve had a lover now, moved on from them as though they had nothing. Frankly, he thought he would get over his own stubborn feelings and let go of the past too, but now it seems like their past is catching up with them instead. Everything seems too overwhelming at this point, but Soonyoung at least wanted to say he gave it a shot, a chance at rekindling a fire that had been blown out long ago.

Seeing the rings on Jihoon’s finger though, he thinks he missed his shot.

“Why do you even care about me anymore?” Jihoon asks, and it takes Soonyoung a moment to remember what their conversation was. “We’re not even t-together anymore. You’re happy, right? And — And...I’m happy too...I think.” He pauses, licking his lips as his eyes waver a bit. 

A long silence stretches out between them, then Jihoon shakes his head.

“Never mind,” he says bitterly. “I’ve never found happiness again since you left. It’s like you took away the light to my dark and I’ve just been left in darkness ever since.”

Soonyoung’s breath catches in his throat and he reaches up to unconsciously play with his earring, a nervous habit he’s developed since he was a teen. Sitting next to Jihoon, so close yet so far — he can feel his nervousness increasing tenfold. Something about Jihoon’s energy just makes him feel the need to run away, but he won’t. Not again.

“Why are you telling me this?” Soonyoung whispers, and he can’t help himself when his eyes flicker down to the rings again. “You should be happy though, right? You...aren’t you engaged?”

Jihoon bursts out laughing, sounding more like a cackle, and Soonyoung feels his ears flush in embarrassment. He stares at the director, body jerking in panic when Jihoon nearly rolls off from his bed from how much he’s laughing. 

Soonyoung’s hand feels unfamiliar against Jihoon’s back. His shoulders are more broad, tense, and it makes him wonder how much of Jihoon’s life he missed all thanks to his lack of communication and stupidity.

“Just because you saw the ring box doesn’t mean I’m engaged,” Jihoon snickers, wiping his eyes again. “That was funny. You’re more clueless than I thought.”

Soonyoung blinks owlishly, face feeling hot. “Uh, but your rings,” he says lamely. “On your ring finger? That usually means engagement.”

Jihoon sobers up scarily quick after that, the smile on his face falling like it was never there. His gaze feels like it’s piercing pins and needles onto Soonyoung’s face. They stare at each other for a moment, Jihoon’s eyes boring into Soonyoung’s. 

“You think,” Jihoon starts slowly, “I have time for a relationship? Much less be in one after what I’ve gone through?”

Soonyoung licks his lips, unsure of what to say.

Jihoon sits up slowly, not taking his eyes off Soonyoung. A heavy silence stretches out between them as they maintain eye contact. Something in the atmosphere shifts before Jihoon speaks and this time, Soonyoung can hear the emotions in his voice.

“Why did you leave me?” Jihoon whispers, voice cracking. Big, fat tears roll down his cheeks as he stares hopelessly at Soonyoung. “Why didn’t you wait?”

Soonyoung swallows hard and lowers his eyes, unable to look Jihoon in the eye. “I was a coward,” he admits. “I was scared. I didn’t know — ”

“Look at me, Soonyoung.” Jihoon’s voice trembles. “Look me in the eye and tell me why you left me.”

Inhaling deeply, Soonyoung reluctantly lets their gazes meet again, immediately feeling the urge to look away when their eyes meet. In his opinion, Jihoon’s eyes have always been the most intense thing about him, but this time they’re particularly piercing, holding Soonyoung in place like he’s glued there.

“I was scared,” he repeats quietly, ashamed. “I didn’t know...I don’t know why my first thought was to run away — ”

“You didn’t run away, Soonyoung,” Jihoon scoffs wetly. “You _left_ me. I waited — I waited for you to come back to me for three months. Three _fucking_ months. If you ran away, you would’ve come back, but you didn’t.”

Soonyoung’s heart feels like it’s beating just to shatter all over again. He sits there dumbly, taking in the sudden pain in his chest. He wishes Jihoon were sober instead, not just so they can talk normally, but because he truly wants to feel the hurt Jihoon had been going through those four years ago. He wishes hearing him cry wouldn’t hurt as much if Jihoon started yelling instead. He wishes he could turn back time and fix everything before it went to shit.

“Why?” Jihoon’s voice is hoarse, weak with emotional exhaustion. His head lolls forward. “Everything was supposed to be fine...so why — why did everything turn out so wrong?” 

_Because of me,_ Soonyoung wants to say. _It’s my fault and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. I’m sorry for letting my pride and ego get in the way of our relationship._

None of those words leave his lips.

“I — I had everything planned,” Jihoon whispers, a small whimper leaving his lips. “I...I was gonna take you somewhere that day...I had such a romantic getaway for us but then — but then — you...you just — ”

“Wait, what do you mean you had everything planned?” Soonyoung interrupts, confused. “Romantic...romantic getaway?”

Jihoon looks away, covering half his face with the blanket as his face contorts into something pained. “I got us tickets to Japan…” he says quietly as tears begin dripping from his eyes again, “because — because you said you wanted to get proposed to in the Wisteria flower tunnel.”

Soonyoung feels something inside him just disintegrate when he realizes where this is going.

“You told me — ” Jihoon’s voice cracks, “I thought you were dropping hints that you wanted to get married and — and I got so confident, but then — but then — ” Jihoon breaks down into a sob. “You left me before I could even tell you I booked tickets. You didn’t even wait to listen, you just left. ”

Soonyoung doesn’t know what to say and he hates it. In his mind, there are a thousand thoughts running but none of them stopping to let him pick one out and say those words. That’s why he’d seen the ring box and the plane tickets.

They were Jihoon’s plan for him all along.

“Why didn’t you come back to me?” Jihoon asks softly, looking like all the life had been drained out of him. “I must’ve done something wrong…you wouldn’t have left me...I don’t remember doing anything wrong...”

“It’s not you,” Soonyoung voices out, and he’s almost surprised at how strong his voice comes out, like he’s trying to prevent it from shaking. “God, Jihoon...it was never you. I was just stupid and...a coward. If there was a chance you were gonna break up with me, I wanted to do it before you beat me to it so I wouldn’t get heartbroken — ”

“What about me?” Jihoon sniffles, looking at Soonyoung again and rubbing his eyes furiously. “Do you not trust me? Why...Why would I break up with you? I — I worked my ass off day and night just so I could save up for that trip and our engagement rings...come to find out all that energy wasted was useless anyway.”

“Jihoon.” Soonyoung desperately tries to reach for him, but Jihoon simply scoots away and shakes his head. “Jihoon, please — ”

“Soonyoung, please — just stop. I’m tired,” Jihoon says, looking exhaustedly at him. “I don’t want to waste my energy if I’m not going to get anywhere. You’re draining me. You win, okay? Congrats, whatever. Please...just leave. I’ve already said my truth. There’s nothing else from me you can take.”

Seeing Jihoon look so defeated brings back way too many unwanted memories that Soonyoung would rather forget. It’s not exactly the same expression Jihoon had when Soonyoung decided to up and leave him. No, the Jihoon four years ago was still looking at him with hopeful eyes, hope that Soonyoung would shatter not even two seconds later.

This Jihoon looks like he’s accepted whatever is coming to him, and Soonyoung thinks that’s what hurts the most. The fact that he had managed to break Jihoon so much that the younger man is already willing to admit his defeat instead of fighting — it’s scary.

“I’m not going to leave you again,” Soonyoung says strongly, biting down hard on the inside of his cheek when he feels his throat tighten. “I — I won’t make the same mistake twice.”

“Why?” Jihoon questions, voice swelling with exasperation. “If you did it once, you can do it again, can’t you? You seemed to leave pretty easily the first time.”

Soonyoung swallows thickly. “Jihoon…”

Wordlessly, Jihoon lies back down and turns his back on him, shrugging the blanket over his shoulders. “Just leave, Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung isn’t going anywhere until he knows for sure that he and Jihoon are on the same page. He left Jihoon once because of his own stupidity, and he’s not going to make the same mistake because of his ego.

“I left you because I was scared,” he says. It’s so hard to talk around the lump in his throat. “I actually knew you booked plane tickets but I just didn’t know why or where. You were being so secretive back then and you wouldn’t tell me anything, and I thought we were both pretty big on being honest and open to each other.”

Jihoon doesn’t say anything but he shifts a little, like he’s uncomfortable. Soonyoung keeps going despite that, wanting to get his side out before Jihoon can tell him to leave again.

“There was one time where you told me you would be gone for the whole day,” Soonyoung says, leaning back on his hands as he reminisces the memory. “I took my chance. I searched every nook and cranny of this condo to try and find what you were hiding and eventually...I did.”

Jihoon doesn’t move a single inch.

“You left your laptop behind for some reason,” Soonyoung says. “I thought that was pretty unusual considering you always brought it with you wherever you go in case inspiration struck for music you were making...so I checked that. It was a miracle you didn’t have a password either because you knew how much of a tech dummy I was...but then I somehow managed to find out that you’d gotten an email offering to bring you to America so you could work out of the country for your filmmaking...and you accepted it without letting me know.”

Soonyoung stares hard at the wall, trying to gather his thoughts that were beginning to slowly fall apart. “I couldn’t believe it at first, so I tried looking for more things that would prove me wrong, but I was proven right instead. You had some luggages packed in our closet. They weren’t small luggages either; you had enough clothes packed for at least a month.”

Soonyoung stares at the said closet, feeling a foul taste enter his mouth when he remembers his disbelief. Now that he thinks about it, he really was acting irrational, actions deprived from emotions he didn’t think he’d ever inflict on Jihoon in the first place.

“I thought it made sense that time,” he mumbles. “You wouldn’t tell me where you were going every time you went out...you had luggages packed...I even saw the plane tickets in the pocket but I didn’t bother reading what was on it because I was just so...upset that you didn’t tell me. You asked me a question prior to when everything went downhill...do you remember what it was?”

Jihoon still doesn’t speak.

“You asked me how I’d feel if you moved to America,” Soonyoung says bitterly. “That’s why...I got scared when I saw the luggages and the email. I thought everything made sense then...I thought you were leaving me.”

Jihoon finally sits up again and twists his body around. “Are you fucking for real, Soonyoung?” he spits. “You thought I was going to leave you?”

Soonyoung narrows his eyes. “With the evidence presented to me back then, it wasn’t too hard to believe.”

“If you remembered that question, then you should remember that I asked how you would feel if I brought you with me,” Jihoon sighs, rubbing a hand against his forehead. “Were you really so blinded by the fact that I was packing that you forgot?”

“...Oh.”

“Soonyoung.” Jihoon looks like he doesn’t know what to say next. “Jesus fuck, Soonyoung...all those post-its of me asking how you felt about marriage...about adopting kids...asking where you wanted to get proposed to...did those somehow disappear from your memory when you saw those luggages?”

Soonyoung is stunned speechless, mind reeling as the reality begins to crash down on him all at once.

“And if that’s not enough for you to realize how much of a dumbfuck you are,” Jihoon continues ruthlessly, “you would have realized that I wrote back saying I wouldn’t leave unless you were with me, and they agreed . And we share clothes, Soonyoung. Whatever clothes you saw in those luggages, I was packing for you too. You think...You think I’d leave you when we promised each other infinity and beyond?”

Shit. Soonyoung feels like absolute shit.

“Oh.”

Jihoon laughs but the sound comes out bitter. “Oh? That’s all you can say? After realizing all this time that most of this happened because of your misunderstanding, you can’t say anything else?” he scoffs. “You’re a fucking joke.”

Something in Soonyoung flares a little at that. “If you would’ve told me what was going on, I wouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. This is as much as your fault as it is mine.”

Jihoon glares at him. “Don’t try to turn this on me. You left me when I was willing to talk it out — ”

“For fuck’s sake, I know I left you. When will you stop using that against me? I’m here now willing to talk things out, but now you’re the one refusing me — ”

“Because I want you to feel all the pain I went through when you left,” Jihoon hisses, eyes becoming intense again. “The moment you walked out that door, you took everything else with you. Eomma and appa died in a car crash a year after. I threw myself into work to distract myself from everything because it hurt too much. I became notorious for being this infamous cold-hearted director I never wanted to be known as in the first place!”

Jihoon continues on fiercely, tears clinging to his lashes as his face begins to screw up with emotion. Soonyoung is supposed to be here to fix everything, but why does it feel like he’s ruining things even more?

“Every work of mine,” Jihoon starts, “Every. Single. One — they’re all inspired by you one way or another, because I can’t learn how to fucking let go of someone who hurt me the most. Pathetic, right?” It’s a rhetorical question. 

“I’m living but I don’t feel alive anymore,” Jihoon says, choking on his words. “There’s no purpose of me being here when all I do is fuck things up, right? So why can’t you just leave, huh?! Why can’t you leave now when I want you to?! Why did you leave me when I needed you the most instead?! Is this funny to you?! Huh?! Why, why, why, why, _why — ”_

Every sob that rips from Jihoon’s throat tears Soonyoung apart inside more and more. He can feel his throat burning around a lump as Jihoon leans against the headboard to support himself. With every second and every sob that he chokes out, the fight inside him looks like it’s slowly leaving him, and Soonyoung — he doesn’t know what to do.

He’s never seen Jihoon like this, so hysteric and heartbroken and just so _shattered._

Sure, they’ve had their fights when they were a couple, all grown from feelings of pent up frustrations at each other and misunderstandings, but never in any of their fights was Jihoon the defeated one. The younger man has always been so in touch with his mind, though his words were always piercing and all bite. Jihoon was always so sure of what he had to say, whether it was something nice or something harmful, but now he’s the opposite of being sure. This time, he looks like the confused one.

Soonyoung never wanted it to go this far. At most, he thought he’d be able to get some proper closure when he asked Joshua if they could work with him to direct his music video. He at least thought he’d be able to get a few words in and clear things up between them.

He didn’t think they’d be more confused and broken than they were when shit hit the fan.

In the midst of all his thinking, Jihoon sags against the headboard, head leaning against it to look exhaustedly up at Soonyoung. There’s no glint in his eyes anymore. They look dull with emotion and it scares Soonyoung more than he thought was possible.

“You took everything when you left,” Jihoon says, almost inaudibly. “You took this stupid thing beating inside me —” He reaches up to slap his chest twice before letting his hand fall limp again, “ — crushed it in your hand until it was drained, then proceeded to stomp all over it until I could no longer feel anything but pain.”

Soonyoung doesn’t know if he has the courage to speak. He’s afraid of breaking Jihoon even more.

“I have nothing, Soonyoung,” Jihoon mumbles, reaching up to rub at his teary eyes. “What more do you want from me? You already broke my everything...but you’re still here...asking and taking and taking and taking. I’m just so tired. Sometimes...sometimes I wish I were with my parents...then I realize that maybe I deserve to be in hell instead.”

When Jihoon closes his eyes and bows his head, Soonyoung’s tears slip. Slowly, he crawls over in front of Jihoon and hesitantly reaches out to caress his face with both hands, feeling the smooth yet sticky skin beneath his palms. The younger man doesn’t even flinch but he opens his eyes to stare at him, like he’s trying to look for something on his face.

“And maybe Wonwoo was right,” Jihoon whispers, locking their eyes. “Maybe I do still love you and I’m just too scared to admit it...because loving you became the reason of my downfall, and...I don’t want to experience the same thing twice.” Soonyoung’s vision is so blurred at this point, he can’t see Jihoon’s face. 

“I hate you.” Jihoon’s voice cracks again. “But I hate myself so much more for trying to convince myself that I ever stopped loving you in the first place.”

Soonyoung can’t stop himself from leaning forward and pressing their lips together, squeezing his eyes shut tight as he tries to pour every single bit of himself into the kiss. 

He can feel how damaged Jihoon is, how slow and unresponsive he is despite the small whimper that slips out. Their lips move languidly, but Soonyoung’s never felt this emotional kissing Jihoon. He’s never felt emotions so intense, but this is where he and Jihoon feel connected to the most.

It’s Jihoon who pulls away first slowly, like he’s trying to savor the barest touch of their lips. Soonyoung dreads the moment the cold air hits his lips and doesn’t dare open his eyes until he hears Jihoon’s breath stutter. 

He feels something cold encircle his ring finger and he glances down. His heart instantly goes numb at the sight.

“This is the last thing I’m letting you take from me,” Jihoon says, voice achingly hollow as he slides the ring on Soonyoung’s finger. “I have nothing else, so please…don’t break the only piece of me I have left.”

Soonyoung doesn’t know if he can speak without crying.

“When we’re done with filming...” Jihoon continues, squeezing Soonyoung’s hand once, “I want you to do something for me.” 

_Anything,_ Soonyoung thinks desperately. _I’ll do anything if it makes you happy again._

Jihoon seems to struggle with his words for a moment. The silence stretches thin around them and the atmosphere drops heavily. He swallows once, twice, then inhales shakily and looks up at Soonyoung.

“I want you to leave,” Jihoon says brokenly, letting go of Soonyoung’s hand. “Leave and don’t look back.”

Everything in Soonyoung shatters like shards of glass.

“Listen to me just this once,” Jihoon pleads, looking like he’s seconds away from breaking down again. “This is all I’m asking of you. Please...grant this wish of mine, Nyong.”

Soonyoung can’t even swallow the lump in his throat. _But...I don’t want to..._

“Will it make you happy…” His voice cracks, “...Nini?”

Jihoon’s smile is the most heartbreaking thing he’s seen.

“Yes.”

Soonyoung screws his eyes shut and tries to will his tears away. This wasn’t supposed to happen. At most, he imagined that he and Jihoon would at least be friends again. He was supposed to be staying with Jihoon. 

He wasn’t supposed to leave him _again._

He opens his eyes and tries to muster up the strength to smile at Jihoon.

“Okay.”

Jihoon shuts his eyes and keeps on smiling despite how much he’s hurting. He doesn’t open them, even when he feels the ghost of Soonyoung’s lips graze his forehead. It doesn’t take long before the bed shifts and the atmosphere changes.

_Click._

The room is cold once more.

Gradually, the smile falls off Jihoon’s lips and he covers his face, finally allowing himself to break down. He doesn’t hold himself back. The tears just keep slipping, finally cracking through his facade, and he doesn’t stop himself either when he begins to cry earnestly, sobbing hard into his blanket without a care in the world.

On the other side of the door, Soonyoung holds the doorknob with white knuckles and a growing lump in his throat. The only thing that’s keeping him from barging in again and gathering Jihoon into his arms is his wish to be left alone. 

He’ll grant him this one wish. It’s the least he can do.

Slowly, with a shaky breath and a harsh swallow, Soonyoung releases the doorknob and heads for the front door. He looks around once, taking in all the memories he’s made, both good and bad.

He turns around and doesn’t look back once.

—

One step.

Two steps.

Three steps.

Four.

Five steps.

Six steps.

Seven steps.

An exhale.

“I can’t do this.”

A twist of the heel and Soonyoung is running back up the stairs he walked down on, opening the door back to Jihoon’s condo and nearly stumbling over when he comes face to face with the man himself. Jihoon looks startled, and Soonyoung catches the split second of determination on his face before he masks it with surprise.

“Jihoon,” he breathes.

Jihoon blinks up at him, like he can’t believe Soonyoung is in front of him right now. He looks around awkwardly, the look on his face now turning unsure. He looks like he regrets ever getting up from his bed.

“Uh,” Jihoon utters, not looking him in the eye. “I was just — I wanted to...um…”

“If you tell me to stay, I’ll stay.”

Jihoon’s breath stutters but Soonyoung doesn’t move. He lets his eyes pierce into Jihoon’s earnestly, how own breath stilting in suspense and hands beginning to sweat from nervousness. His heart is pounding hard against his chest and he vaguely wonders if he’s been this nervous in his life.

“If you tell me to stay, I’ll stay,” he says, softer.

Jihoon’s mouth opens like he wants to speak but nothing comes out of his mouth. 

“If you tell me to leave, I’ll do it,” Soonyoung continues, every word feeling thick in his mouth. “Once the filming is done, I’ll leave you alone. I’ll delete your number and block you from all social media. I won’t ask Joshua if I can work with you again, and I’ll delete all the pictures of us from my phone. I’ll erase every single memory I have of you and you won’t ever see me again the moment we’re done filming.”

Jihoon’s eyes are beginning to waver.

“If you don’t say anything, I’ll leave,” Soonyoung continues on, desperate. “I’ll go on with my life. You’ll go on with your life. I won’t try to reach out to you and hope we can fix ourselves together. We’ll heal on our own the way we’ve been trying to do. Just say the word and I won’t look back anymore.”

The silences stretches out thickly over them, both still holding each other down with intense gazes. The only thing Soonyoung can hear is how loud the blood is pounding against his ears, and he won’t lie about feeling lightheaded. He holds his stance steadily though, hoping his words are more than enough.

Jihoon looks away from him without another word, and Soonyoung feels everything inside him wilt.

Pursing his lips to hide the fact that they’re trembling, he takes a step back with an accepting nod. He’d been a fool to even think he had another chance.

But then Jihoon’s hand shoots out to latch onto his.

Soonyoung’s heart begins to pound erratically.

“Stay,” Jihoon whispers almost inaudibly. He isn’t looking at Soonyoung but the tone of his voice sounds hopeful.

Carefully, Soonyoung uses the crook of his finger and lifts Jihoon’s chin up so their eyes can meet. Various emotions flicker through Jihoon’s orbs, but the most prominent emotion he can make out is how _scared_ Jihoon is. His eyes are still wavering, like he so badly wants to look away, but Soonyoung wants to change that.

“Again,” he murmurs. “Say it again.”

Jihoon’s inhale is shaky. “Stay,” he whispers again, voice cracking slightly. “Stay here with me.”

Shards of Soonyoung’s heart begin to piece back together, one piece at a time.

“Okay,” he says simply, breathless.

Jihoon ducks his head but doesn’t let go of Soonyoung’s hand. Instead he takes a step back, then another, and another, until he’s leading Soonyoung back into the bedroom. All of Jihoon’s movements are careful and calculated, like he’s afraid his next move will be his last.

Soonyoung complies with Jihoon’s actions, melts like putty under his touch when Jihoon pushes him back until he falls backwards onto the bed. He almost startles when the younger man proceeds to clamber over him, straddling his hips and leaning forward until his forearms can rest comfortably on Soonyoung’s chest.

Intimacy is the first thing that Soonyoung thinks of when he looks up at Jihoon’s face. Their faces are more or less than four inches apart, eyes attached to each other and exploring all the crevices of each other’s faces.

Reaching up, Soonyoung caresses Jihoon’s cheek, thumb stroking over the tear stains embedded on his skin. In turn, Jihoon runs his fingers carefully over Soonyoung’s jawline, the pads of his fingers gently brushing over his lips.

In the four years he’s been away from Jihoon, he almost forgets how intimate they can be when they’re in their own little bubble. He’s hyper aware of every little movement Jihoon makes, whether it’s just a flicker of his eyes or a twitch of his eyebrow. Everything just feels so much more personal.

“What’s intimacy, Soonyoung?” Jihoon whispers, still lightly tracing his fingers over Soonyoung’s features. “Do you understand it now?”

Soonyoung kisses the pads of his fingers, returning his eyes back to Jihoon’s.

“Intimacy…” he trails off quietly, gently brushing the pad of his thumb over Jihoon’s eyelid. “When you can be yourself around your partner...when you can cry and break down in front of them...but they still come back to you no matter what.”

Jihoon doesn’t say anything, still keeping their eye contact.

“It takes gentle care and lots of time,” Soonyoung goes on softly. “Mistakes happen, but you’re willing to forgive them and move forward...for a better life...better love…but not everyone gets a chance at it.”

Jihoon’s eyes close and he leans forward a little, leaning into Soonyoung’s touch.

“You need a connection with someone to have intimacy,” Soonyoung whispers, bringing Jihoon’s face closer so their foreheads can rest against each other. “That’s when having intimacy can become scary...because you’ve let them in so much that they have the power to ruin you.”

He rolls them over so he’s hovering over Jihoon instead, watching the younger man open his eyes in question.

“But someone you have true intimacy with would never try to ruin you intentionally,” he murmurs, brushing his fingers through Jihoon’s hair. “They’ll come back to you every single time, no matter how long they make you wait. They’ll promise to spend the rest of their lives making it up to the person they hurt the most.”

Jihoon’s breath falls short. “You sound like you have a lot of experience in being intimate,” he says, and the words ring familiar to Soonyoung’s ears. 

“I learned from the best,” is what he says.

Jihoon’s smile is barely there, lips turned up slightly and eyes dulling in intensity. Soonyoung sees him relax, sink into the bedsheets with nothing to guard his expression. 

Then he brings Soonyoung’s face down to his and kisses him.

Soonyoung closes his eyes, hands slipping beneath Jihoon’s shirt and feeling his smooth, toned skin underneath. The feeling of Jihoon’s warm, trembling lips against his is a feeling he won’t ever take for granted again. He misses feeling their bodies so close together with not an inch of air between them. He misses hearing all of Jihoon’s cute, hesitant sounds by his ear. 

He misses having that type of intimacy with Jihoon.

“Nyong…” Jihoon whispers against his lips. “Can you...show me what you learned about Eros?”

Soonyoung’s response is immediate. “Whatever you want, Nini.”

Breathless gasps, blissful sighs, weak moans, clothes shed, and warm skin against warm skin — Soonyoung lets himself melt into Jihoon, taking in everything Jihoon gives him with his mouth, his hands, and his body. The heat begins to spiral between them and Soonyoung pours his everything into Jihoon, feeling more at ease than he has in years.

When Jihoon awakes the next morning, feeling all sore and satiated, he thinks maybe it would’ve been better if Soonyoung didn’t come back to him in the first place. 

The tears that he thought disappeared make their annoying presence in his eyes again, and he looks around bitterly.

_Oh._

The space beside him is cold and the room is empty, and Jihoon’s heart breaks for the nth time that week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...hi? ^^;
> 
> I was originally supposed to end this chapter when Soonyoung left Jihoon for the second time, but then I decided why not make it hurt even more? Also, halfway through writing this, I realized that I didn’t write as much of the Eros aspect as I thought I would, hence the really, REALLY soft smut at the end. (Is that considered smut? i’m not sure, hehehe.) I’m hoping to write more of the Eros aspect in the (hopefully) last chapter, huhu. I just need to find some way to fit it. Not too sure if I’ll write a smut scene since I’m all burnt out from writing smut, but it would be fitting to add something spicy considering Eros is sexual love, hehe.
> 
> I think this is the result of me writing so much explicit smut lately with LAF and Don’t Lie, Darling, huhuhu. I needed to get away from that genre and now I’ve channeled all my frustrations into writing angst and oh god, look at the mess I’ve created, HAHAHA. Remind me to write a hundred fluff pieces after this, huhuhu. 
> 
> I cried a lot while writing this but now that I reread it, I don’t feel anything? I feel like a lot of writers get attached to the characters they write, huhuhu. My heart hurts, especially when Jihoon broke down :(
> 
> I hope all the fight scenes weren’t too rushed or anything. I want to say I’m pretty decent in writing conflicts when it involves love so hopefully it felt intense in some way? And hopefully the reason why Soonyoung left Jihoon made sense, huhuhu. I wanted to make both Soonyoung and Jihoon have incredibly frustrating personalities this time (though, now that I think of it, the personalities I write for them are ALL frustrating, HAHAHAHA).
> 
> I hope this chapter made you cry or made you feel some other form of frustration, huhuhu. I’m sorry this took so long but I’m actually feeling really proud of how this chapter came out, so there’s that :]
> 
> I’m curious who you guys felt had more of a reason to be upset during the fight, Soonyoung or Jihoon?
> 
> Anyway, if you aren’t feeling empty by the time you’re reading this, I’ll see you guys next chapter~!
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mistehri)  
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.qa/mistehri)
> 
> As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading! ❤


	3. Take Two!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon meets someone new, but it goes a little differently than he thought it would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the late update, but this is the LAST update to this fic and I'm so, so, SO relieved, haha. Anyway, I won't take up too much of your time, but just get ready because it might get pretty angsty on some parts, hehe.
> 
> Enjoy reading! ❤

Jihoon trudges over to the set, chugging down his cup of coffee and tossing it away into the bin carelessly. He drops his bag next to his chair with an abrupt thud that has Wonwoo jumping in surprise where he sits next to him.

“I thought you’d call in sick today after what happened last night,” Wonwoo says, pushing his glasses up. “So...did you guys fix everything between you? Soonyoung didn’t call me back so I assumed something happened.”

Jihoon scoffs and shoves his folder in Wonwoo’s chest. “Oh, something happened, alright,” he grouses. “Call everything off.”

Wonwoo tilts his head, eyes widening. “What?”

“You heard me,” Jihoon snaps. “I said call everything off. We’re not working on Soonyoung’s concept anymore. He wanted out, I wanted out, so we called it quits. He’s changing his concept to something different and I’m allowing him to.” 

Wonwoo stares at him, mouth agape. “Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

“But — What about — ” Wonwoo splutters. He can’t wrap his head around what’s going on. “Wait, what even happened? You just...you both just mutually decided that you don’t want to work with each other anymore? Or did you guys fight? What the hell, Jihoon?”

Jihoon hitches himself up on his seat, staring out at the set. His eyes immediately spot Soonyoung hugging Daeun from where the bed is. Rather than feeling jealous though, he doesn’t feel anything at all. The weight on his shoulders is no longer there. He has nothing to worry about anymore.

“We fought,” Jihoon says simply. “He found out I still kept some stuff that came from our past relationship. He found a picture, then he found the sticky notes I collected. Then he found the plane tickets and the ring box.” 

Wonwoo stares at him as Jihoon continues on. The director doesn’t even seem bothered by what’s happening across the set. He looks like he _genuinely_ doesn’t care at all.

 _But it’s not supposed to be like this,_ Wonwoo thinks incredulously. _They were supposed to fix everything...how can it all fall apart?_

“I told him that I had _so_ many things to say to him,” Jihoon goes on, fiddling with his ring finger. Wonwoo’s eyes zero on his ring finger, now void of any ring. “I got scared though. The thought of him leaving me again after I said what I wanted to say was still there. He told me he wouldn’t leave me again, but how can I trust him again after all that damage he’s done to me?”

Wonwoo watches Jihoon’s eyes waver, watches them turn glossy. His voice remains firm despite the look on his face, and Wonwoo wonders if what he did was the best for them. Maybe it wasn’t wise of him to pressure Jihoon into doing this.

“It’s not that easy,” Jihoon forces out, teeth gritting a little. “It’s not easy to let him back into my life like you want him to, Wonwoo. I’m hurting, he’s hurting — two wrongs don’t make a right. We can’t fix ourselves overnight and pretend everything is fine the next day. We need months, maybe even years, to recover. _I_ need years.”

Wonwoo’s tongue feels thick in his mouth.

“I explained everything to him,” Jihoon says, taking a deep breath as he shifts his eyes to Wonwoo’s. “The ring, the plane tickets — all my plans of proposing to him, I told him.”

“What did he say?” Wonwoo blurts out, unable to help himself. “Did he explain himself too?”

Jihoon laughs bitterly. “He told me he was scared,” he spits out, every word leaving his tongue distastefully. “He was feeling somewhat insecure of our relationship because I was keeping my plans of proposing to him a secret. That just says a lot about what he thought of me, right? He thought I was cheating on him.”

Wonwoo almost flinches at the word ‘cheating.’ It sounds so bitter coming from Jihoon’s lips, it feels like Wonwoo got hit deftly on the chest with the impact it leaves in the air. 

“Then he found out about me getting the offer to work overseas for my filmmaking,” Jihoon says, returning his eyes back to Soonyoung. “He found out about the luggages I had packed while I was out. He didn’t realize that everything I was doing, every luggage I packed, every word I typed back in that offer — I was bringing a piece of him with me.”

Something cold settles in Wonwoo’s chest. Now that he thinks about it, when Jihoon is in love, he is loyal to the _core._ Wanting to bring Soonyoung to America with him, packing his luggages and having _so_ much trust in thinking that Soonyoung would fly with him — Jihoon loved Soonyoung so much. Wonwoo almost feels belittled in some way.

“I broke down in front of him after that,” Jihoon continues, unaware of how uncomfortable Wonwoo is feeling. “Everything just kept piling and piling up with nowhere to go, I had no choice but to let it out.”

At this point, Wonwoo doesn’t even think about speaking. It’s clear that there’s still more that needs to be said. 

“I told him I had a wish,” Jihoon says, voice softening. “I told him to leave and never look back.”

All the wind knocks out of Wonwoo’s chest.

“You told him _what?!”_ he cries, unable to believe what’s happening. 

“After everything that’s been going on in my life, it’s the least he could do,” Jihoon says matter-of-factly. “Why should I hold onto something that’s pained me the most? Do I deserve to suffer more for hurting someone who’s hurt me ten times more? Do I stop mattering the moment I hurt someone? Then I would’ve stopped mattering a long time ago, right?” 

Jihoon turns to him again, and Wonwoo can clearly see his eyes swirling with acceptance, and it _hurts_ so damn much to see him like that. Wonwoo thought he was doing something right, but seeing Jihoon looking like he’s accepted everything that’s happened doesn’t feel _right._

“So he let me go,” Jihoon whispers. “He let me go, I let him go, and he left.”

This isn’t how things were supposed to go. At the very least, they could’ve made up and become friends, but Wonwoo supposes he can understand, except that’s the thing — he _can’t._

“And then he came back.”

 _That_ rips Wonwoo out of his thoughts. “What?” he chokes out. “He came back to you?”

Jihoon nods. “He said if I tell him to stay, then he’ll stay.” He returns his attention back to Soonyoung, who pulls away from his hug with Daeun to turn his head to Jihoon, as though he senses his eyes on him. 

“And...what did you say?”

“I told him to stay.”

That brings some sort of relief to Wonwoo, but the look on Jihoon’s face looks anything _but_ relieved. 

“That...That’s good, right…?” Wonwoo asks tentatively, suddenly nervous about Jihoon’s answer.

“We had sex.”

_What._

“What?” Wonwoo chokes out. He’d expected something else other than sex, perhaps a simple _I told him to stay_ or maybe even the worse option, _I refused and told him to leave_ — not _sex._

“We had sex,” Jihoon says blandly, raising a hand at Soonyoung when the idol waves at him with a smile. “He left me by the time I woke up.”

_WHAT._

“He _what?!”_ Wonwoo squawks, already on his feet before he can fully comprehend anything. “What do you mean he _left_ you? Again?! Oh, just wait until I get my hands on him — ”

Jihoon grabs his arm before he can take two steps forward, staring at Wonwoo with a pleading intensity. “Don’t,” he says firmly. “Wonwoo, don’t you think you’ve interfered enough?” He looks exasperated. “We’re both still hurting and we’ve let each other go. There’s nothing else of me he can take.”

“Jihoon,” Wonwoo spews furiously, throwing a hand out in Soonyoung’s direction. “He took advantage of you! How can you ask me not to — ”

“Because he came back to me,” Jihoon cuts off.

That statement makes Wonwoo blink to look at him properly. The look on Jihoon’s face doesn’t look bitter anymore. Instead his features have softened into something more gentle. He looks more like the _old_ Jihoon — the Jihoon who fell in love with Soonyoung, the Jihoon who smiled and laughed more often than he scolded and yelled. He looks like the Jihoon he knew before.

“He came back to me,” Jihoon repeats softer. “We talked more over breakfast and mutually decided it’s best for us to take a step away from each other and _breathe._ We’re not dating. We’re not friends either. I think of it like...almost being strangers with memories.”

Wonwoo’s eyes flicker to Soonyoung, and he’s a little surprised to see the idol already looking back at them intently, as though he knows what they’re talking about. Wonwoo looks back at Jihoon, still confused.

“So...you’re telling me that everything is okay between you two?” he asks slowly. 

Jihoon’s lips curl up slightly. “As okay as it can be.”

“But…” Wonwoo trails off, giving Jihoon a once over. “You had sex with him.”

“I did.”

“You allowed it?”

“I did.”

“And you’re just _fine_ with being _okay_ after that?”

Jihoon looks fondly exasperated. “I am,” he affirms. “Like I told you and Soonyoung, I have nothing else of me to give. He took everything I had. Am I supposed to be more angry at him? Why should I waste my emotions now when we’ve spoken our truths?”

“But…”

“Wonwoo,” Jihoon walks up to him and grabs his hands, squeezing once. “All I want right now is for Soonyoung and I to heal on our own. I can’t heal if I keep holding onto a relationship that hurts me more than it’s loved me. I can’t heal if I keep holding grudges against someone who I’ve shared my everything with. I’m letting go.”

“Jihoon…”

“Maybe you _did_ help me realize that,” Jihoon continues, swaying their hands. “You helped me realize that I can’t keep continuing on like this, but I don’t think this was the outcome you were expecting, right?”

Wonwoo shakes his head, heart squeezing. “Not at all.”

Jihoon smiles at him. “Thank you for what you tried to do, Wonwoo,” he says, and that alone makes Wonwoo’s throat tighten, “but Soonyoung and I can take it from here. I can’t heal if people keep trying to make things right, or rather — what they _think_ is right to them. I want to do what’s right for _me_ — for me and him.”

Wonwoo feels like he’s being suffocated. “Okay.” The word falls from his tongue like oil.

Jihoon’s smile softens. “It’s still bothering you.”

Wonwoo can’t stop his mouth. “It just still seems like he took advantage of you.”

“Well, it didn’t feel like that to me,” Jihoon says fiercely. “You can call me stupid, I don’t care. I just want to let this go because I’m _tired_. To me, I wasn’t being taken advantage of. It’s...It’s hard to explain, but to me, it felt like he was making a promise — that he would learn to heal in his own way, even if it won’t be with me. We can’t depend on each other if we can’t learn to trust each other again.”

Jihoon’s eyes lower to their hands, and Wonwoo sees him swallow before he speaks again. 

“Trust me this time, okay?” It sounds weak, and Wonwoo realizes Jihoon’s been hurting too much to ask a question that didn’t need to be asked in the first place. “I know I’ve been a mess lately and sometimes even I don’t trust myself, but I’m letting my resentment go. I want to change everything. I want to become better, not only for myself and my relationship, but for Soonyoung...and my parents.”

Tears spring into Wonwoo’s eyes but he refuses to let them fall. 

“I want to make them proud, Wons,” Jihoon whispers, looking genuinely at peace with what he’s saying as he brings his eyes up to Wonwoo’s. “I want to be the son they no longer have to worry about anymore.”

“They’re already proud of you for taking this step,” Wonwoo says honestly, voice wavering. “I just know it, Jihoon.”

Jihoon blinks, eyes glazing over and his smile wobbling. He wipes his hand against his eyes and laughs breathlessly. “This feels right to me. You understand that now, don’t you?”

The string in Wonwoo’s chest loosens. “I do.”

“We’ll take time away from each other to heal and get ourselves together,” Jihoon says, turning his head to smile at Soonyoung. “Maybe we’ll try us again in the future and come back to each other, or maybe we’ll see other people along the way and forget about the relationship we had, and that’s okay too. It’s time for a new chapter. We’re getting back on our feet and that’s all that matters, right?”

Wonwoo nods, though he feels a little sad at the thought. “Right.”

Jihoon seems to sense his sadness. “You know what I’m completely sure about though?”

“What?”

“I’m letting him go because I love him,” Jihoon says softly, eyes fond. “And deep down, that won’t ever change.”

—

Jihoon swings his legs over the bed and rubs his eyes, peering around the empty room with the same empty heart he’s been carrying for years. He supposes nothing has never changed. The coldness of the room is just as cold as it was when he first slept alone the night Soonyoung left.

Sighing, he reaches down and pulls on his clothes to cover whatever is left of his pitiful, shattered dignity. He stands up with a wince, taking note of the flare of pain between his legs as he toddles over to the bathroom for a much needed hot shower.

The hot water doesn’t wash away all the dirty parts; Jihoon’s insecurities, his past, his fears — everything is still there. It’s always been there. It’s a part of him now. It’s not anything he can throw away so easily. 

He sighs as he finishes washing himself, toweling his body off and rubbing himself dry with a towel. He opens the shower door and wraps the towel around his waist, pausing when he catches sight of his reflection in the mirror.

Tentatively, he reaches up and brushes his fingers against the splotches of red and purple trailing down his neck. There’s no denying it at this point — he and Soonyoung had sex last night, and unlike last time, he can’t forget that night as easily as he wanted to forget the night Soonyoung left him.

Jihoon purses his lips and sighs, opening the door of the bathroom. Soonyoung isn’t there sitting on the edge of the bed like he wants him to. It’s to be expected, but Jihoon’s heart stings all the same. 

Shaking his head at his own stupidity, he heads into the closet and dresses himself up in sweatpants and a plain white shirt. He doesn’t feel like directing today. He’ll have to call Wonwoo soon to make those last minute changes.

Busying himself to get his mind off things, he tidies up the room and tosses all the dirty fabrics into the hamper to wash later. He opens the windows to get the scent of sex out, and he replaces the old sheets with new ones, nose crinkling when he catches whiffs of old lube and dried up come.

Once he’s done tidying up, he heads into his kitchen to make himself breakfast — ramen. He vowed to start taking better care of himself all those years ago, but he couldn’t deny that it’s hard. It still is. His mental health had taken a major blow, and it wasn’t like he expected to get back on his feet overnight. 

While he’s heating up his ramen, he doesn’t notice it when the front door opens. He’s too tired to realize that he could be potentially robbed right there and then. His life could be on the line yet he wouldn’t give a damn.

“Jihoon?”

Jihoon jumps and whirls around, heart racing and eyes wide as he comes face to face with a confused smile, slanted eyes, and squishy cheeks.

“What…” he croaks thickly. “What are you doing here?”

“Sorry, am I not welcomed?” Soonyoung asks, eyes lowering sheepishly. “I just thought...after last night…”

Jihoon swallows and looks away, paying attention to the ramen spinning in the microwave. It suddenly seems _very_ interesting. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know if he _should_ say anything. 

“Sorry,” Soonyoung apologizes again, voice soft and unsure. “Should I just leave…?”

“No, it’s fine,” Jihoon says, and it is. “You can stay. I...I don’t mind.”

Soonyoung doesn’t seem certain. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay…”

Soonyoung doesn’t move from where he’s standing and it makes Jihoon feel like there’s pins and needles poking throughout his body. He keeps his eyes firmly on the ramen, every hair on his body standing like he’s about to get spooked any minute now.

Thoughts cluttered, he tries to sort them out so he can at least come up with a decent conversation to distract himself. He can’t quite pick out the words to form a question though, much less a sentence. 

He jumps when he feels a hand massage his nape. “Relax.”

Though the tension is still thick in the air, Jihoon feels all his muscles loosen as Soonyoung presses the pads of his fingers against his nape. The action is familiar, something Soonyoung had done when Jihoon was stressed. It still has the same effect on Jihoon as it did all those years ago.

He exhales slowly and sinks into Soonyoung’s touch, unable to help the way his body responds to him. 

“I wasn’t expecting you to stay,” is what slips out of Jihoon’s mouth before he can stop himself. “I mean, I guess I was, but those expectations weren’t very high to begin with.

Soonyoung doesn’t say anything for a moment, but his fingers move slower against Jihoon’s neck. Jihoon tenses again at the response, and the fingers go back to their normal pace.

“I left with the intentions of coming back,” Soonyoung says, voice careful. “I had to go talk to Joshua-hyung regarding my concept. I wanted to change it and we came to a mutual agreement.”

Jihoon stills. “What?” he breathes, raising his head to meet Soonyoung’s eyes.

“I want to change my concept,” Soonyoung repeats, dropping his hand from Jihoon’s nape. “I know it’s a last minute decision but ever since we…made love... “ His cheeks turn pink and he coughs a little, looking away awkwardly, “I just felt like changing my concept is a must. We’re calling off the filming and restarting from scratch.”

“What?” Jihoon repeats, still in disbelief. “Why? Soonyoung, that’s — that’s so last minute. Why would you — ? Do you know how much _work_ that is? Are you pushing back your comeback then?”

Soonyoung shakes his head. “Deadline will stay the same.”

“What the hell?” Jihoon asks incredulously. “Soonyoung, are you insane? You _do_ realize how much work that is, right? Not to mention trying to find a new director, new color schemes for the music video, and you have to book schedules — ”

“I’m not changing my director.”

Jihoon blinks at him owlishly. “What…?”

“I’m not changing my director, Jihoon,” Soonyoung says again, face serious. “I want you to direct the new music video. I know it’s a lot, but — ”

“Soonyoung.” Jihoon rubs a hand down his face, feeling his temples throb. “Soonyoung, what the actual fuck? Did you not listen to a word I said last night? I told you to leave and never look back, but you’re still here. This is what I meant when I said you keep taking and taking. You’re still fucking _here.”_

Soonyoung purses his lips. “You told me to leave,” he agrees. “You told me to leave yet when I came back, you asked me to stay. What am I meant to listen to, Jihoon?”

“You were never meant to come back in the first place.”

“Then were you going to run after me?” Soonyoung accuses, gesturing to the front door. “You were standing there when I was going to knock. What were you going to do, Jihoon? You were going to run after me had I not come back, weren’t you?”

Jihoon looks away. “I wasn’t.” The statement comes out weaker than he intended it to.

He feels Soonyoung lift his chin and turn his head so they’re looking at each other once more. Jihoon hates this, not only because it makes him feel small, but because there’s always something in Soonyoung’s eyes that make him feel like he can’t look away. Soonyoung’s eyes have always been intense and expressive, and this time is no different.

“Say it straight up,” Soonyoung says, voice dropping like they’re sharing secrets. “No hiding anymore.”

Jihoon swallows, eyes wavering but never looking away from Soonyoung’s. 

“Tell me you weren’t going to run after me,” Soonyoung says, challenging. “If you tell me otherwise, I won’t leave you alone.”

Jihoon’s heart pounding is all he can hear, senses drowning out everything else except for the man in front of him. He licks his lips nervously, and he watches Soonyoung’s eyes drop to track the motion like a tiger’s prey.

“What if I told you I was just going out to check the mail?” he asks, voice but a mere whisper.

Soonyoung doesn’t bat an eye. “I won’t believe you.”

Jihoon inhales slowly. “Then yes,” he states. “I was going to chase after you and — ”

Before he can finish his sentence, Soonyoung leans forward and presses their lips together in a heated kiss, effectively silencing him.

Jihoon immediately grabs onto his shirt and curls his fingers tight into the fabric. He tugs him closer and presses their bodies up against each other until there’s no space between them. 

The air between them is hot, and it gets even hotter when Jihoon feels Soonyoung’s tongue prod against the seam of his lips. He submits to him, letting their tongues meet until their lips are wet and slick with spit. 

Jihoon needs to breathe. He needs to, but Soonyoung is restless, pressing eagerly against him and stealing everything all over again, This time though, he’s aware of it. He’s aware they won’t have anything when they’re done. He’s aware but he’s still not prepared.

Soonyoung drags his hand downwards, until he’s hooking it underneath Jihoon’s thigh and hiking it up his hip. Jihoon immediately gets the message and jumps up, hooking his other leg around Soonyoung’s hip and smoothly locking their lips together again.

He fists Soonyoung’s hair and tugs slightly, eliciting a moan from him. He feels Soonyoung bite down on his bottom lip, tugging gently at first before he nips harder. 

Jihoon is beginning to feel lightheaded. The sound of their slick lips gliding against each other doesn’t do anything to help clear the haze in his mind. His head feels like it’s full of cotton, and the little voice in his head is chanting one name in particular. 

Soonyoung presses him up against the wall, keeping their bodies glued together like he’ll die if they separate. Jihoon can feel a certain something brush against the inner part of his thigh and he groans, a sound that Soonyoung swallows.

“Soonyoung,” he gasps, tilting his head back to catch his breath. “Soonyoung, I…”

“Hmm?” 

Soonyoung doesn’t let up on him, instead trailing his kisses down Jihoon’s neck. Jihoon feels his eyes roll back as Soonyoung begins sucking at the base of his neck. His neck has always been sensitive, even more so when Soonyoung knows _just_ the spot to attack.

“S-Soonyoung…” he stutters, trying desperately to clear his head. “Soonyoung, wait. _Nyong.”_

Soonyoung pulls away, pupils completely blown and lips red and swollen. His cheeks are flushed slightly and he looks just as wrecked as Jihoon imagines himself to look like, if not more. He looks good like this, but Jihoon needs to direct their attention to something worth talking about.

“Soonyoung,” he repeats. “We can’t — Why are we doing this? We shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Don’t tell me that now,” Soonyoung whispers. “Jihoon, what do you want? Make it clear to me. I don’t want to play this push and pull game with you.”

It then occurs to Jihoon how _right_ Soonyoung is. In his right and conscious mind, he would never allow himself to lead Soonyoung on, especially not after what happened to them. After hearing what Soonyoung is saying though, he realizes that he has, in fact, been playing this push and pull game with him.

Now he realizes he isn’t sure of what he wants.

“I — ” he begins, gasping when Soonyoung suddenly rolls his hips and attaches his lips on his neck again. “I — I don’t know…”

“That’s not an answer, Jihoon. Do you want this or not?”

Jihoon’s mind goes fuzzy again. “I — I told you I don’t know.”

Soonyoung’s kisses slow down. “You don’t know?”

“N-No…”

With a sigh, Soonyoung sets Jihoon back down and pulls himself away, running a hand through his hair. Jihoon looks away from him, feeling shameful of his own self as he covers his mouth, lips still tingling.

Everything about this is wrong, _so_ wrong. Rushing after Soonyoung last night, asking him to stay, having _sex_ with him, and making out with him the morning after — it’s so wrong.

“Okay.” Despite what just happened, Soonyoung is calm. “Clear your head for a bit. What do you want to do?”

Jihoon bows his head and closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose between his forefinger and thumb. He lets his mind calm down and the voices mold into one, until it’s saying one thing only.

“I’m sorry,” is what he says first, looking up at Soonyoung again. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. We’re not supposed to be here right now, making out. We weren’t supposed to meet again at all.”

Soonyoung doesn’t even bother hiding the hurt on his face. “Then what were we supposed to do?” 

Jihoon looks away. “I don’t know,” he says honestly. “I just know that this wasn’t meant to happen. Not like this, at least.”

Soonyoung stays quiet for a moment, eyes flashing as though he’s heavily debating on what to say. Communication was never the weak point in their relationship. It was trust, and that’s what Jihoon is most afraid of. 

“I think you’re wrong,” is what Soonyoung says. “I think all of this was meant to happen.”

“Soonyoung…”

“Maybe I was meant to turn back,” Soonyoung continues fiercely. “Maybe we were meant to have sex. Maybe we were meant to make out a minute ago. Everything happens for a reason, whether bad or good, and I think the universe is pushing us in the good direction. You know why?”

Jihoon doesn’t say anything.

“Because you wouldn’t be so confused now,” Soonyoung says. “If this wasn’t meant to be, you would’ve told me no straight up. You would know what you want.”

“I knew what I wanted when we spoke last night,” Jihoon counters weakly.

Soonyung quirks an eyebrow. “Did you really?” he asks. “If you were so certain, then why did you run after me? Why didn’t you just stay back?”

Jihoon’s throat locks tight and he can’t bring himself to say anything, because Soonyoung has a point. Why _didn’t_ he just stay back?

“What do you want us to be, Jihoon?” Soonyoung’s voice sounds pleading, desperate. “If you want us to be something, tell me. If you want to take it slow, that’s fine too. Hell, if you don’t want anything to do with me, that’s okay. I just need a direct answer from you.” 

Sighing out, Jihoon rubs his face and tries to think for a moment. Everything Soonyoung said made sense, and he can’t bring himself to make a rebuttal. 

Leaving Soonyoung this time around doesn’t feel right to him. They’ve done so much past the point of broken that it wouldn’t make sense anyway. Sure, he’s told Soonyoung he’s taken everything from him already, but that’s the thing — Soonyoung still _has_ that everything. It’s in his grasp, ready to be rebuilt or destroyed, and maybe Jihoon is still emotionally attached to that.

But being with Soonyoung doesn’t feel right to him either. He can’t trust him again. At least, not yet, not after everything that’s happened. He’s lost too much of himself to even regain an ounce of what he is.

Taking it slow wouldn’t mean anything to them then either, because what is there to take slow? They don’t have the relationship they did before. 

“I’m not going to lie,” is what he says first. “Some part of me wants you to stay. The other part wants you to leave, and both sides are fighting with each other in my mind right now. I don’t know what I want.”

Soonyoung purses his lips. “I need a direct answer, Jihoon.”

Jihoon rubs a hand over his face again. This is so much harder than he thought it would be. 

“I…” he trails off, pausing for a moment to think. “I want you in my life…”

Soonyoung nods, crossing his arms and leaning against the counter patiently. “But…?”

Jihoon hesitates. “I want you in my life, but...I think...it’s best if we remain as acquaintances instead. I don’t want to be friends with you. Not yet, at least. I don’t want you to be a stranger either. Just...acquaintances.”

“...Acquaintances,” Soonyoung tests, as though he’s unfamiliar with the word. Then he nods once. “Okay. Acquaintances. It’s fitting.”

Jihoon nods, eyes lowering. Whatever remaining weight there was last night leaves his shoulders, and he feels lighter, more...warm. This feels _right._

“That’s what I want,” he says, certain.

Soonyoung nods again. “Alright,” he says, falling quiet for a moment.

“By the way — ” Jihoon starts, before he gets interrupted by the microwave beeping. He opens the door to stop the noise but doesn’t grab his ramen yet. “By the way,” he starts again, “you didn’t tell me why you were changing your concept.”

“Oh, that...I...” Soonyoung trails off. “It was an impulsive thought ever since last night happened.”

“Oh.”

Soonyoung seems to think his response wasn’t pleased. “It’s not because of you,” he says, then pauses. “I mean, it kind of is, but it isn’t a bad thing. I decided to change my concept because — I don’t know. It felt right to me.”

Jihoon peers up at him again, watching Soonyoung worry his bottom lip between his teeth.

“After hearing you explain the difference between intimacy and Eros, I felt like I just had to change my concept,” Soonyoung explains. “I don’t know, just — my old concept didn’t feel right anymore, and I don’t want to have to give my fans something I’m not a hundred percent satisfied with. Then, after we made love…”

Jihoon feels his cheeks warm up at the wording but Soonyoung remains unaffected, thoughtful instead. The idol rounds the island to sit on one of the stools, looking at Jihoon with soft eyes.

“...I felt like I understood what Eros was,” Soonyoung says finally. “Being with you like that again was like...a realization for me. To me, that felt right. Coming back to you, making love to you, even now, just talking to you — it all feels right to me. I don’t know how to explain it, it just does.”

Jihoon slowly reaches in and removes his ramen from the microwave, eyes flickering to the now soft noodles. Tangled, strewn — all of what Jihoon feels.

“So I met up with Joshua-hyung at a cafe,” Soonyoung goes on, laying his chin in his palm. “We talked it over. Of course we argued. He called me impulsive and stupid but I was determined to change my concept. I wasn’t going to go through with something that no longer appealed to me. So we came to a mutual decision and decided that we’d go through with it so long as I could keep up with the demands since we haven’t pushed back the deadline.”

Jihoon breaks apart a pair of chopsticks to stir his ramen slowly. “He agreed to it.” It’s not a question.

“He did.”

“So what now?” Jihoon questions. “You expect me to go through with this?”

“You’re known for finishing things under tight deadlines,” Soonyoung says, matter-of-factly. “I know you can do this, Jihoon.”

Jihoon runs a hand through his already tousled hair. “It’s not just something I can do,” he argues. “I need time to plan everything out. You need to give me the details about your concept. I have to round the crew up so they know exactly what to do. We need to budget and plan things out accordingly — the props, the set, the lighting, cameras, _everything._ ”

“We have two months,” Soonyoung says, like it would help.

“And I have more filmings to complete in those two months,” Jihoon counters. “I can’t just keep working on your music video. There’s so much at stake for me if I don’t get those filmings done.”

“I’ll pay you triple,” Soonyoung says fiercely, and Jihoon’s mouth falls open.

“No!” he cries incredulously. “Are you crazy?! Soonyoung, you can’t just — that’s — are you insane?!”

“I’ll pay you triple for whatever the end product is,” Soonyoung says, completely undeterred by Jihoon’s reaction. “Will that lessen the burden?”

“No the fuck not!” Jihoon snaps, irritated. “That puts more pressure on me _because_ you’re paying me triple! You’d give me triple even if your music video turns out to look like some shitty PSA a high schooler had to do for their project? I don’t — ”

“I’d still pay you.”

Jihoon rubs his hands down his face in disbelief. “You are an actual fucking dumbass.”

“I think we’ve established that already, thank you very much,” Soonyoung says flatly. “I’m paying you either way because it’s _you_ , Jihoon. You would not give me a shitty PSA-like music video if I paid you triple the amount you usually get. You aren’t petty like that.”

Jihoon doesn’t know if he should take that as a compliment. 

“Why the hell can’t you just find a different director?” he asks finally, still not connecting the pieces together. “Why me? When we’ve been hurting this entire time, you still choose to work with me. Why?”

“I think I’ve made it obvious that I still love you regardless of what happened in the past,” Soonyoung says, like it’s the most casual thing in the world. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust again. I know it’ll take a long time and I know we’ll still have misunderstandings but at least in this way, I can try.”

“And if I want you to find a new director?”

Whatever Soonyoung says next will dictate the next step of their relationship. Whether it’s to let go completely, or grasp onto whatever broken shards are left of their relationship.

Soonyoung licks his lips, running a hand through his hair. He stares at Jihoon in the eyes and this time, Jihoon holds his gaze.

Another contemplative silence passes, then —

“Whatever you want, Jihoon,” Soonyoung says. “Whatever you want.”

And in that moment, Jihoon knows what he needs to do.

—

Jihoon sighs as he works through a few drafts of some storyboards. 

It’s been a week since his talk with Soonyoung, and after hearing the many complaints from his employees — all of them having shut up once Jihoon sent them the most withering glare he could muster — he decided to get the storyboards done and over with as quick as he can to prevent complications to his schedule in the future.

He will admit that although he knows there’s a lot of pressure on his shoulders, he doesn’t feel stressed at all. Perhaps talking things out with Soonyoung was what he really needed, because now he can work lightly without any qualms at all.

It’s liberating, being able to work without all the tension he once held in his shoulders. He has nothing to worry about anymore.

His phone suddenly rings with an incoming call from Wonwoo and he reaches over to pick it up.

“Hello?”

 _“We have another request for a music video shooting.”_ Wonwoo gets straight to the point. _“It’s from a recent company called Konnect Entertainment founded in June 2019.”_

Jihoon returns his attention back to his papers. “Okay…?” he says slowly, sketching out some thin lines. “Who is it, when’s the deadline, what’s the concept?”

 _“Kang Daniel,”_ answers Wonwoo. _“He’s the CEO of Konnect Entertainment and he’s also an idol. He’s the same age as us, and he’s from Busan like you. It sounds like you two would get along very well.”_

Jihoon ignores the last part. “Deadline? Concept?”

_“Well, I asked him and he said he would like to go over it with you personally.”_

That makes Jihoon raise an eyebrow and stop what he’s doing. “That’s new,” he mutters, reflexively checking his watch. “Does he have a date scheduled in mind? I’ll need to make sure I have room to fit a meeting in. We have a lot of projects coming up.”

 _“He asked me to tell you to give him a call whenever you’re free,”_ Wonwoo replies. _“As soon as possible, if you can.”_

Jihoon checks his watch again. “Uh...I have some free time now, I guess?”

 _“Perfect, I’ll send you his contact information then,”_ Wonwoo says. _“Let me know what he says so I can tell Jeonghan-hyung about the plans in advance. You need to focus on Soonyoung’s storyboard if you want to start on Daniel’s.”_

“Yeah, got it. Thanks, Wons,” Jihoon says, and Wonwoo hangs up.

Just like that, he feels his shoulders tense up again and he sighs, rolling his neck around. It looks like he’s about to bite off more than he can chew.

Not a second later does his phone ping with a message from Wonwoo about Daniel’s contact information. As Jihoon is about to click on the link to his email, Wonwoo sends an attachment, which just so happens to be an image of who he assumes to be Daniel. 

_Oh,_ he thinks. _He’s kind of cute._

Jihoon scans the picture for a bit more, admiring Daniel’s soft eyes momentarily, then clicks off and taps the link to his email. His fingers are already typing before his mind can process what he’s doing.

> _Kang Daniel-ssi,_
> 
> _I am emailing this message to notify you that I have received your request to work for an upcoming music video shoot of yours. Please contact me as soon as possible using any of my contact information listed below so we can further discuss details about this shoot. Thank you._
> 
> _Sincerely, Lee Jihoon_

He adds his contact information below and hits send, then tosses his phone beside him to continue working on the storyboards. The sooner he can finish drafting for Soonyoung’s new music video, the sooner he can make space to work for Daniel’s.

It’s only about half an hour later that his phone ping again, this time with an unknown number. When Jihoon checks the message, he’s a little startled to see that Daniel had already contacted him.

> **Unknown number  
>  ** _Hello, Jihoon-ssi?  
>  _ _This is Kang Daniel, the one who sent a request.  
>  _ _May I call you?_

Jihoon visibly winces at the question. While yes, it is part of his job to remain as professional as possible and sweep away the introverted, awkward side of himself behind an endless, angry facade, it still makes him anxious to call someone, _especially_ someone he has yet to meet in person.

Nonetheless, he reprimands himself with a series of _I can do it_ chants in his head. He picks up his phone and changes Daniel’s contact name, just to stall a little longer. Maybe he can ignore the message and pretend he didn’t see it, but half an hour isn’t a lot of time to make Daniel think he’s ghosted him.

Sighing, he sends back a quick, affirmative reply, and his hands twitch when his phone begins vibrating not even thirty seconds later with the default profile staring back at him.

Mustering up his courage, he presses accept and immediately puts the phone on speaker. It’s more comfortable that way.

 _“Jihoon-ssi?”_ comes a deep voice.

“Hello, Daniel-ssi,” Jihoon greets back, cringing internally. “How are you?”

_“I’m fine, thank you. And you?”_

“Good.”

Before the inevitable awkward silence can make itself obvious, Daniel thankfully moves straight down to business. Like that, Jihoon’s brain switches like a switch, right into professional mode. The faster, the better.

 _“I apologize if the request was rather out of the blue,”_ Daniel says. _“I’ve been looking for directors that specialize in concepts I’m looking for, and you so happened to be the best choice.”_

“I see,” Jihoon says. “Do you have a deadline for your concept? If you don’t mind, I’d like to get started as soon as possible considering I have many other shootings to film this week.”

 _“In about five months time,”_ responds Daniel. _“Whatever you have planned out, I’m sure I’ll approve of it. I trust you.”_

Jihoon purses his lips. _What a bizarre thing to say…_

“You trust me,” he repeats. “You don’t even know me.”

 _“Well, I would love to get to know you as we work together, Jihoon-ssi,”_ Daniel says, sounding oddly like he’s cooing. Jihoon bristles a little at that. _“I’m sure we’ll get along just fine. I’m looking forward to meeting you.”_

Jihoon doesn’t know how to feel about that.

“Likewise,” is what he says instead, and hangs up the call. 

_How odd…_

Here’s the thing about expectations ― don’t have them. 

Jihoon learned this the hard way with Soonyoung. He’d expected them to do many things together, all of which never came true. Getting engaged was the next step for them, but the plan was ruined. Getting married would’ve followed after, then maybe adopting kids like they promised each other.

Now here’s the thing about promises ― some of them are meant to be broken, and Jihoon has also had to learn that the hard way.

When he brought it upon himself to take a new client under his wing within the next week, he wasn’t sure what to expect. Okay, maybe it’s safe for him to expect to pull more all-nighters with the additional filming, and maybe he’d expected to be more grumpy and stressed as he works, but it definitely wasn’t _this._

Here’s the thing about Jihoon ― he doesn’t take compliments very well. Red face, hot ears, tongue tied, it’s best not to expect any sort of grand reaction from him. Well, maybe he’d have some sort of explosive reaction to hide his embarrassment, but that’s beside the point.

So when he and Daniel meet up for the first time in his office, he doesn’t expect to be complimented upon first sight.

“You’re much cuter in person than you are in pictures,” Daniel says, shaking Jihoon’s hand.

Jihoon blushes hotly, a scowl making his way onto his face in an instant. 

“Let’s keep this strictly professional. Daniel-ssi,” he says curtly. “Like I’ve reiterated, I would like to make this meeting as quick as possible. I have other tight deadlines to meet, so whatever you have planned for your concept, cut to the chase.”

“Relax a bit, will you?” Daniel says, tone playful. “I’ll be working with you for quite a while to make adjustments and all that. It wouldn’t kill you for us to be comfortable with each other since we’ll be together for quite a while, would it?”

Jihoon makes a face, not even bothering to hide it. “The less distractions, the better,” he says blandly. He gestures to the seat by his desk. “Take a seat and we can discuss the arrangements.”

Fortunately for him, Daniel listens this time and takes a seat, straightening his jacket out and peering around the minimalist office with vague interest. He looks like he’d rather be doing anything else but Jihoon doesn’t care. Whatever effort Daniel will put into this project, he’ll just have to accept whatever results come out.

“So, first thing is first,” Jihoon says, turning his computer on and pulling open a few tabs. “Deadline?”

“Five months from now,” Daniel answers swiftly, leaning his elbow on the desk. “September 21.”

Jihoon saves the date in his calendar, scrolling back and forth to see how booked he is. He’ll have to move around a few things but he can make it work if he truly has the drive to do it. His main focus would still be Soonyoung’s music video.

“And what does your concept revolve around?”

“Sexual themes,” Daniel says, eyes glinting when he looks at Jihoon. “Much like your specialty, no?”

Jihoon doesn’t look at him. “I see you’ve researched quite a bit. Good.”

“Oh, I’ve researched more than you might think,” Daniel counters, looking pleased with himself. “When I first saw your works, I was instantly hooked. I knew I just _had_ to work with you someday. It’s like I’m dreaming right now. This is so exciting.”

“Well, I hope you keep dreaming,” Jihoon says dryly. “Since you’ve made this request to work together, I expect that you know what I would like from you in return.”

“And that is…?”

Jihoon sighs, turning to stare at him blankly. “Cooperation,” he says. “And obedience. Let me handle whatever there needs to be handled. Don’t try to get in the way of things. I’m a very particular person.”

“So let you be the dominant one,” Daniel nods casually. “Got it.”

Jihoon stares at him for a moment or two, unsure how to respond. “...Right. Uh. Anyway. I’m not the type of person to beat around the bush. You better have a thick skin or lord knows you’ll come into the shoot crying one day.”

“You like thick. Understood,” Daniel mutters.

Jihoon’s muscles tense a little. Really, how _is_ he supposed to react to something like that?

“Well, if that is all, I’ll be sending you the first drafts of how I imagine your concept to be,” he says, coughing a little. “Once we’ve made all the adjustments necessary and you’ve approved them, we can go onto setting up the dates for the filming.”

“We can just go straight to the filming,” Daniel says. “Like I said, whatever you give me, I’m sure I’ll like.”

Jihoon gives him a flat stare. “You are an idiot.”

Daniel doesn’t look the least bit surprised at the insult. “I don’t think so,” he says. “Then you would be calling me an idiot for believing in your craft, Jihoon-ssi. I trust that you know what you’re doing.”

“You shouldn’t trust me,” Jihoon snaps. “I could make your music video look like a high schooler’s PSA.”

Daniel quirks an eyebrow. “I doubt it,” he says with a shrug. Then he grins boyishly at Jihoon. “Why are you so mad anyway? I’m just complimenting you. You need to loosen up.”

Jihoon glares at him. “I’ve loosened up enough a week ago, thank you very much. I won’t go easy on you, Daniel-ssi ― ”

“Well, I sure hope not.”

Mouth falling open in disbelief, Jihoon gapes at the idol incredulously. Daniel doesn’t even seem a tad bit affected by what he said. It hasn’t even been half an hour yet he’s trying to shoot his shot already.

“Keep this strictly professional, Daniel-ssi,” Jihoon says stiffly, saving all the things he’s jotted down on the computer. “This is business, not an opportunity to catch a date.”

“So you aren’t as dense as I thought,” Daniel says observantly, and Jihoon bristles. “Hmm. What a shame. I suppose this concludes our _first_ meeting then, Jihoon-ssi.”

He emphasizes _first_ as though he’s trying to remind Jihoon this isn’t the last time they’ll be seeing each other. Jihoon doesn’t know how to feel about that, but he knows one thing ― he isn’t ready for another relationship yet, and he definitely won’t give into Daniel’s charms so easily. 

“It does,” he says, standing up and offering his hand. He has to have _some_ dignity for himself. “I will send you the details through email ― ”

“Why email when you can just text me instead?”

“Daniel-ssi, you are treading on very thin ice,” Jihoon says steely.

Daniel raises his hands up in surrender then reaches out to give Jihoon’s hand a firm shake. “Right. Professional. Got it. I’m looking forward to working with you, Jihoon-ssi.”

Jihoon doesn’t even hold back. “I wish I could say the same.”

―

As if he hadn’t noticed before, Jihoon is quick to learn that Daniel is a _major_ flirt, and that doesn’t even count his lame attempts the week they first met. 

It’s been exactly two weeks since the meetup in the office, and Jihoon is already regretting his decision of accepting the offer in the first place. Not only is Daniel an _actual_ pain to work with, but the workload is a lot more stressful than he initially anticipated.

“Cut!”

Jihoon rubs a hand over his face and sighs. Overall, they’re probably only ten seconds into the final product of the music video, yet they’ve done what feels like a thousand takes to get the few scenes they need right. Jihoon is already on his fourth cup of coffee and now he’s grouchier than ever.

“Everything good, Jihoon-ssi?” Daniel calls from the floor.

He’s got rose petals scattered around him, a single rose raised up to his mouth that he twirls between his fingers. With a sleek blue dress shirt tucked in fitted dress pants, Jihoon isn’t ashamed to say he looks good, but what’s been annoying him is Daniel’s blatant disobedience towards his orders.

“I told you to throw the rose,” Jihoon says exasperatedly. “Not _bite_ it.”

Daniel gives him a sly smile from behind the rose petal he’s lipping at. “I think I look sexier like this, don’t you agree?”

Jihoon doesn’t answer that. “You can look sexy _and_ throw the rose away, Daniel-ssi. You are supposed to have a smouldering expression, not...whatever the look on your face is now. Let’s do it again and do it _right_.”

“Ay-ay, captain.” Daniel salutes.

Jihoon waits for a few seconds for his crew to gather their bearings, then yells, “Action!”

The lights dim into a deep red and the music starts up again from the beginning. Daniel mouths the words as he stares up at the camera lens with a smouldering expression, and it’s exactly as Jihoon had envisioned. That is, until Daniel throws the rose.

“Cut!” he yells, and all the production halts. “Daniel-ssi, throw the rose _out_ of the frame, _please.”_

Daniel raises his head and pouts at him. “Why can’t you just crop it out?”

Jihoon gives him a flat stare, unamused. “Because then only your face will be in the frame. I want your face _and_ the background to be shown. It’s called symbolism, Daniel-ssi.”

“What do the roses symbolize then?” Daniel asks. He pauses, then gives Jihoon another sly grin. “Could it be...you want to give me a bouquet of roses, Jihoon-ssi? Roses symbolize love and romance, do they not? Is this your way of telling me we should go on a date?”

Jihoon is about to lose his _god damn_ mind. 

“No, Daniel-ssi,” he groans. “They are meant to symbolize secrecy and confidentiality. Please keep this atmosphere as strictly professional as you can. I do not have the time to indulge you in your delusions.”

“Ouch.” Daniel presses a hand against his chest with a pained look. “That hurts, Jihoonie.”

Jihoon’s fingers twitch. “It’s _Jihoon-ssi_ to you. You can keep going like this if you’d like. Good luck finding another director.”

“Nah, it’s fine,” Daniel says casually, waving his statement off dismissively. “Let’s continue.”

Jihoon hears Wonwoo snort beside him and he sighs again. “Okay, let’s bring it back to the start!” he yells to his crew, who’d been watching their whole exchange in amusement. “Places!”

“Having fun, aren’t you, _Jihoonie?”_ Wonwoo teases as the crew begin gearing up to record again.

Jihoon throws him a side glare. “Don’t even, Wonwoo. I am at my wits end with this man.”

Wonwoo chuckles. “Who knows, Jihoon?” he says with a shrug. “Maybe he’ll be a good distraction for you. Maybe this is fate’s way of giving you someone else after what happened. Maybe he’ll make you forget.”

“It would be awful of me to make him a rebound, don’t you think?” Jihoon raises an eyebrow. “Besides, weren’t you the one who was practically begging for me and Soonyoung to stay together?”

“After hearing you explain everything, I decided that you were right,” Wonwoo answers after a moment. “I had no right to interfere that much with your relationship, and I’d like to apologize about that. If it makes you happy, then I think you should go for it.”

“Thank you, Wons,” Jihoon says genuinely. 

Wonwoo flashes him a small smile. “So...about Daniel…”

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “Don’t even. He isn’t the type of guy I’d go for. He’s insufferable.”

“You thought the same thing about Soonyoung when you first met him,” Wonwoo points out. “Look where you two turned out. You’ve confessed, dated ever since high school ― ”

“ ― and we broke up,” Jihoon says dryly. “I refuse to suffer the same thing.”

Wonwoo sighs. “Well, how do you know?” he questions. “You won’t know unless you try, right? I’m not trying to force you to do this, Jihoon. It’s just a penny for thought.”

Jihoon snorts. “Thanks for your concern, Wonwoo, but I think I’m done with relationships for now. I just want to focus on my career for now.”

Wonwoo doesn’t say anything but he nods slowly, looking like he wants to push his agenda some more. Jihoon is thankful that he’s holding himself back, because as much as he isn’t ready for another relationship just yet, he can’t deny that the thought is now staying in the back of his mind for later.

Sighing, turning back to the set, he raises his megaphone and yells, “Action!”

This time, Daniel obediently follows the instructions given to him: smouldering look, throwing the rose away as far as he can out of the frame. The scene is _exactly_ how Jihoon had envisioned it, so why doesn’t he feel as satisfied as he thought he would?

He can’t do anything about it. There’s no fault in the scene they’ve just shot, they’re running a little behind schedule from all of Daniel’s failed attempts of flirting with him, and nothing seems out of place from what Jihoon can observe from the replayed footage. It looks perfect.

 _Maybe it’s time for a break,_ he thinks to himself, glancing at his watch. It’s almost three in the afternoon. He could definitely use this as his chance to clear his head.

About to raise his megaphone to yell for break time, he nearly jumps when he feels a tap on his shoulder. When he turns around, he comes face to face with none other than a big bouquet of flowers.

He looks up at the person holding it and tilts his head in confusion. “Hyung?” 

Jeonghan’s head pops out from behind the massive arrangement of roses. “Delivery for Lee Jihoon.” He holds out the bouquet with a cheshire grin.

Jihoon blinks twice, eyes flickering between Jeonghan’s face and the bouquet of roses. “Uh,” he utters, slowly holding his arms out and grunting a little at the sudden heavy weight of the bouquet when Jeonghan drops it in his arms. “Thanks?”

“Not from me, dimwit,” Jeonghan laughs. “There’s a card. I think you should read it.”

Jihoon blinks again, turning the bouquet over and finding a little white card placed in the middle. He tilts his head to read it properly, frowning in confusion.

> _Hope you enjoy.  
>  _ _― K._

Like that, Jihoon holds his arms out with a flat look. “Take it back,” he says, and Jeonghan’s amused face quickly turns into confusion. “I don’t want it.”

“Take it back?” he repeats. “But...don’t you know who it is?”

“I do and I don’t care for him,” Jihoon says flatly, sighing out in relief when Jeonghan takes the bouquet. “You can take it for yourself or you can throw it away. I don’t want anything to do with that.”

“But Jihoon ― ”

Jihoon waves him off and turns back to look at the set, immediately spotting Daniel staring back at him with a sly grin. “Throw it. I don’t want it.”

Jeonghan sighs and nods, looking at the bouquet of flowers with a sad mutter of, “What a waste.” He walks off in the direction he magically appeared from, humming as he goes.

“You know who it is?” Wonwoo raises an eyebrow.

Jihoon waves him off too. “Who else would it be?”

Wonwoo stares at him for a moment, then sighs. “Whatever you think is right, Jihoon.”

Unfortunately, the gifts don’t end there. 

It’s next week that Jihoon finds his schedule becoming very tight. In the midst of trying to get his mind to clear up, he almost forgets that filming Daniel’s music video overlaps _just_ a little bit with Soonyoung’s filming for his music video ― which is slowly coming to a finish ― which results in both idols meeting each other for the first time at the warehouse.

Jihoon doesn’t particularly mind. With Daniel’s filming coming to an end and Soonyoung’s filming about to start, he can say that he’s a little bit relieved. The former of the two has been flirting with him nonstop, and he is _tired._

He’s ignored Daniel’s flirtations several times, sometimes having to break out of his professional stature for a moment to put him back in his place. The whole day felt incredibly slow, and though Jihoon wants nothing more than to just go back home and call it a day, his schedule isn’t quite over with.

It’s about half an hour before Daniel’s filming ends does Soonyoung make an appearance with his staff. By then, Jihoon is still directing and hasn’t even noticed him.

“Let’s do that scene again and call it a day,” he orders through his megaphone. “Remember your facial expressions, Daniel-ssi. Don’t smile.”

“Roger that, sir,” Daniel calls back, and Jihoon bristles.

“Places!” he yells, huffing a little after. “Focus on your expressions, Daniel-ssi! We cannot afford to waste any more time than we already have!”

“Relax, Jihoon-ah,” Daniel says, so terribly laid back that it annoys Jihoon to no end. “Have a little more faith in me, will you? We’ll get this done in no time, just be patient.”

“I will when you do what I ask of you,” Jihoon spits through gritted teeth. Then, when Daniel flashes him a smile, he grumbles, “‘We’ll get this done in no time,’ my ass. Get in your place, Kang Daniel. My patience is dwindling.”

“Relax, Jihoon-ah,” comes the same statement but a different voice, and Jihoon practically _sinks_ in his seat when he feels fingers massaging his nape. 

Beside him, he can see Wonwoo staring in amusement but he pays no attention to him, practically melting under Soonyoung’s touch. He’s always had a way with his hands.

 _In more ways than one,_ Jihoon’s mind supplements unhelpfully, but he bats away the thought as quickly as it came, reprimanding himself for thinking such a thing.

“What are you doing here?” Jihoon says, nearly slurring his words as the tension dissipates from his shoulders almost instantly. He glances at his watch. “Oh, it’s time for your shoot, isn’t it? We’re almost done here.”

Soonyoung lets out an affirmative hum from behind him, still massaging Jihoon’s nape. “Take your time,” he says. “We have the rest of the day, don’t we?”

Jihoon tilts his head back to peer at him. “No schedule?”

“No.” Soonyoung shakes his head. “There’s been some changes.”

“I see,” Jihoon sighs. “Okay, well. Just wait for a bit and get ready. I’ll try to get this done as soon as possible.”

“Uh, wait. Jihoon, uh ― ” Soonyoung starts, looking behind him for a moment. “Daeun has something she would like to say to you.”

That makes Jihoon sit up straighter, turning his upper half to peer behind him. Daeun steps forward, no longer looking like the strong and confident woman she was when they first met. Now she looks meek, ashamed almost.

“Jihoon-ssi,” she starts with a polite dip of her head. “I would like to apologize about my words a few weeks ago. I thought I was simply defending a friend I’ve known for a while, but I was blindly fighting for a justice that wasn’t meant for me to receive, and for that, I apologize.”

Jihoon’s ears turn red, not used to receiving apologies so openly like this. Before he can say anything else though, Daeun continues smoothly.

“I admit that I shouldn’t have blindly defended Soonyoung when I didn’t know the full story, and I take full accountability for my actions and would like to sincerely apologize if my words have hurt you. It wasn’t my place and I acknowledge my mistakes.”

Jihoon licks his lips. “It’s fine, really,” he says awkwardly, though his words are genuine. “Soonyoung and I have already talked it out and came to a mutual decision. We’re okay now. Thank you...and I’m sorry if I’ve said some hurtful things to you as well.”

Daeun gives him a tentative smile and flicks her wrist dismissively. “Not a problem at all. I hope that this can be a turning point for us.” She holds out her hand. “I’m looking forward to working with you, Jihoon-ssi.”

Jihoon reaches out and takes her hand in his, giving it a firm shake. “Likewise, Daeun-ssi.” And he means it.

Behind Daeun, Soonyoung flashes him a grateful smile, to which Jihoon nods back and returns to his original task, raising his megaphone to yell out a curt, “Places!”

As if nothing happened earlier, Daniel gets into a position where he’s about to dance. The lights dim down until the warehouse is almost pitch black, giving off a mysterious vibe. Jihoon waits for the cameras to start rolling before he yells, “Action!”

Something is different when Daniel dances this time. He no longer looks like the playful man he was just a few minutes ago, instead transformed into something more serious, more _fierce._ It looks like whatever Jihoon said earlier seems to be finally, _finally_ working its magic.

“Cut!” he yells after a few more moments of observing. “Good! Let’s take it from another angle now. Take two!”

Daniel looks out of breath but he also looks oddly determined. Jihoon supposes he _can_ actually concentrate if he tries hard enough. He isn’t sure what flicked inside Daniel but he isn’t about to complain. They need to wrap this up quickly.

Take two also goes by smoothly with no other side comments from Daniel. Jihoon is pleased with the results when he goes back to review the footage. The music video is going _exactly_ like how he envisioned from his storyboards. 

“Alright, one more angle and then we’ll call it a day!” Jihoon orders.

“Wow,” Daniel says breathlessly, wiping away the sweat clinging to his eyebrow with the back of his hand. “You really like to wear me out, don’t you, Jihoon-ah?”

Jihoon’s jaw tightens. “Keep your innuendos to yourself, Daniel-ssi. I would like to get this shoot done and over with as quickly as possible.”

Daniel clicks his tongue. “Feisty.”

Jihoon ignores the comment and raises his megaphone. “Take three! Places!”

Needless to say, take three soon becomes takes four and five. As though making a comment had turned some switch on inside him, Daniel somehow miraculously keeps messing up. At this point, Jihoon wouldn’t be surprised if it was on purpose but he doesn’t have the energy to do anymore yelling. 

What Daniel wants is what he’ll get, and he better be _damned_ pleased with the results Jihoon puts out if this is the effort he puts in.

It takes just a little over half an hour for him to wrap up Daniel’s filming successfully, and he sags in his chair with relief as soon as he calls out, “Cut! That will be it for today, thank you! Take a ten minute break and come back later. We will prepare to film for Soonyoung’s music video next.”

Like that, the lights turn back on and the cameras stop rolling. The staff members rush towards the set to take down what needs to be taken down, moving the props aside and replacing them with props needed for Soonyoung’s music video.

Just as he’s about to stand and do a much needed stretch, someone taps his shoulder.

When he turns around, it’s Jeonghan who greets him again, this time holding out an envelope. “Delivery for Lee Jihoon,” he repeats with a cheeky smile.

Jihoon sighs. “Same person?”

Jeonghan nods.

“Throw it.”

Jeonghan’s mouth falls open. “Jihoon!” he exclaims incredulously. “You won’t even read it?”

“Nope.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to,” Jihoon says blandly. “What more reason do I need?”

“Well,” Jeonghan falters. “I mean, you don’t have to, but maybe just give him a chance. You might be surprised.”

Jihoon scoffs. “I’m not gonna read that.”

Jeonghan sighs and grabs Jihoon’s hand, slipping the envelope in his palm and closing his fingers around it. “Well, you don’t have to read it, but just don’t throw it away.”

“What’s the point of keeping it if I won’t read it?”

“Just ― ” Jeonghan starts, then shakes his head. “Trust me, okay? I think you’ll be thankful you kept this."

Jihoon stares at him for a moment, then trails his eyes at the envelope and the heart sticker sealing it shut. “Whatever,” is what he says at last, just to get Jeonghan out of his face so he can take a quick break.

Jeonghan simply pats the back of his hand and leaves with a satisfied smile on his face.

Jihoon sighs and tucks the letter in his jacket pocket to store away later. He has no intention of reading it, and he _definitely_ isn’t convinced to do it just because Jeonghan said he should keep it. 

The ten minute break goes by faster than he feels like it should’ve. He’s tempted to take another five to recharge the little energy he has left, but when he sees Daniel making his way out from the changing room to walk towards him, he decides it’s best to start on Soonyoung’s music video right about now.

“Okay, okay, break over!” he shouts, completely forgetting his megaphone in his haste to get things started. “Everyone in your position!”

Despite his order, Daniel continues walking in his direction. Jihoon tries to ignore him the best he can, keeping his eyes trained firmly on Soonyoung’s figure across the warehouse to make it seem like he’s busy.

“Jihoon-ah!”

_Oh, for fuck’s sake._

“Jihoon-ah!” Daniel calls again, and Jihoon sighs defeatedly.

“What is it, Daniel-ssi?” he asks impatiently. “Your shoot is over for today. You can head on out. I’m about to start on Soonyoung’s filming right now.”

“When’s the next shoot again?” Daniel asks.

Jihoon rubs his forehead. “You _have_ a schedule of when you’re supposed to report here, Daniel-ssi. Please refer to that if you have any questions.”

“But I want to hear it from you.”

 _This man..._ Jihoon thinks in annoyance. _Insufferable, really._

“Wonwoo, please escort Daniel-ssi out the warehouse,” he says, and he can feel Wonwoo’s eyes twinkling in amusement where they flicker back and forth between him and Daniel. “And kindly remind him when our next shoot is while you’re at it. Thank you.”

“Eager to meet up again so quickly, Jihoon-ah?” Daniel jokes.

“Quite the opposite actually,” Jihoon retorts.

“This way, Daniel-ssi,” Wonwoo says, standing up from his chair to help lead Daniel out of the warehouse. “I quite like working with you…”

As their voices get farther and farther away, Jihoon returns his attention back to the set and the people around it, feeling simultaneously worn out and relieved. He catches Soonyoung’s questioning glance but he shakes his head and raises his megaphone instead.

“We’ll take it back from where we left off last time,” he orders. “Take one! Action!”

―

The gifts don’t just stop at the bouquet of roses or the mysterious letter that Jihoon has yet to open. Unfortunately, it just seems to get more and more frequent as time goes by. It isn’t just every other shoot does it happen. Now it happens _every. single. time._ Jihoon is tired.

Two weeks ago, he was delivered a small white teddy bear holding another letter. He didn’t open that one either, regardless of what Jeonghan said. He refuses to read a single word.

Two weeks ago, he was sent a small box of chocolates by none other than his favorite brand. How Daniel managed to find out about his favorite brand is beyond him. Perhaps it was by chance. Very _lucky_ chance. He refused to eat a single one, and, okay ― maybe he snagged a bite in before he threw it away, but it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t.

A week ago, he was sent another bouquet, full of white orchids this time. Just like last time, Jihoon asked Jeonghan to throw it away, no matter how beautiful he thought they looked.

A week ago, he was sent a bracelet with an infinity pendant. Jihoon didn’t dare admit to himself that he thought of adorning it, but he refused. He isn’t looking for a relationship now, or so he tries to convince himself.

Five days ago, he was sent a necklace, this time with a star pendant. Jihoon simply closed the lid and handed it back to Jeonghan, who dutifully took it under his wing and walked away with a sorrowful expression.

Three days ago, he was sent a ring, and that was his last straw. In those three days, he and Daniel have yet to meet up because all his focus had been dedicated to wrapping up the final touches of Soonyoung’s music video.

Today is the day he’ll confront him, and boy, he just knows it’s not going to be pretty.

“Kang Daniel!” he shouts as soon as he sees the man in his line of sight. “Kang Daniel, we need to talk this instant!”

Daniel walks over leisurely with his hands in his pockets, seemingly not knowing the extent of the serious situation. “Ah, so this is the day where you reach out to me first,” he teases when he’s close enough. “I never thought I’d see the day. You’re a tough nut to crack, Jihoon-ah. To whatever do I owe you a ― ”

“Explain what the hell this is!” Jihoon fumes, stalking up to him and shoving the ring box into his chest. “Is this some kind of joke?!”

Daniel grunts a little at the impact, taking a step back and taking the box in his hand. “It’s a box,” he says flatly, opening the lid. “Oh, it’s a ring.”

“Don’t you dare act surprised, Kang Daniel,” Jihoon says with a huff. “Do you find this funny, huh? Is this funny to you?”

Daniel looks confused. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t play dumb here!” Jihoon bursts, throwing his hands out. “You know what I’m talking about!”

Daniel’s confused expression doesn’t change in the slightest. “I really don’t, Jihoon. If anything, I feel like _you’re_ the one pranking _me._ Why are you so mad? It’s just a ring.”

“It’s not just a ring!” Jihoon seethes with the harshest glare he can muster. “I’m talking about two weeks ago when you sent me that teddy bear. Two weeks ago, when you somehow managed to find out what my favorite chocolates are. A week ago, when you sent me another bouquet of flowers. A week ago, when you sent me a bracelet ― ”

“What the hell are you on about ― ”

“Five days ago when you sent me a necklace! Remember that? Or how about this?” Jihoon jabs a finger against the ring box. “You remember this? What the hell are you trying to do?”

“I’m not trying to do anything ― ” Daniel goes to protest, but then Jihoon sees Jeonghan coming in with another envelope and groans.

“Then explain this!” Jihoon exclaims, throwing a hand out to gesture to the paper in Jeonghan’s hands. “What is that?!”

“I really don’t know,” Daniel says exasperatedly.

Jeonghan hands Jihoon the envelope, the expression on his face hopeful this time. “Delivery for Lee Jihoon,” he chirps as he’s done for the past few weeks. 

Jihoon snatches the envelope and waves it in front of Daniel’s face. “The evidence is as clear as day, Daniel-ssi.”

“Jihoon, I really don’t know what you’re accusing me of,” Daniel says truthfully, staring at the envelope with confusion. “If you think I’m the one giving you these, I’m not. I’ve put myself on strict rules to focus on my career and put aside dating. I may have kept trying to flirt with you, yes, but that’s only because I wanted to break through your harsh facade. I wanted to become friends with you, Jihoon.”

“But ― ”

“I only flirted because I knew you’d reject all my advances,” Daniel confesses, and for the first time since Jihoon’s started working with him, he looks genuine. “I thought it was a way of getting close to you, but I think you’ve misunderstood anyway.” He gestures to the envelope and hands the ring box back to Jihoon. “Whatever gifts you’ve been receiving didn’t come from me. Not a single one of them. I promise.”

Jihoon stares at him for a moment or two, then his eyes flicker down to the items in his hands. “You didn’t send a single one?”

“I didn’t,” Daniel affirms, then reaches up to scratch his nape. “Uh, if it makes you more certain, I’ll stop all the flirtations from now on.”

Jihoon ignores him and turns to Jeonghan. “Did you know who sent these?”

Jeonghan purses his lips. “I keep telling you to read the letters,” he says softly, and Jihoon sighs, feeling the sudden urge to dig a hole and crawl in it.

“I see,” he says curtly, raising his eyes to meet Daniel’s. “I...apologize for accusing you.”

“No harm done,” Daniel waves off. “But...whoever keeps sending you these gifts must be really determined.” He looks around and shrugs. “Well, I’ll go get ready for the film. Noona’s already calling me over. I hope our relationship goes a lot smoother from here, Jihoon.”

Jihoon nods numbly, still staring at the items in his hands. “Likewise.”

As Daniel walks away, Jeonghan takes his place and gives Jihoon an awkward smile. “That’s embarrassing,” is what he says, and Jihoon snorts. “At least this will push you to read the letters, I hope?”

“You kept them?”

“I kept everything,” Jeonghan affirms. “The flowers are withering but the letters, the teddy bear, the jewelry ― I put them in a drawer inside your office.” He pauses, eyes straying to the envelope in Jihoon’s hand. “Though, I hope you’ll listen to me this time when I say you should open that. It’s important.”

Jihoon nods slowly. “Thank you, hyung.”

Jeonghan gives him a smile, two pats on the shoulder, then walks away and leaves him alone. 

Wonwoo coughs a little to remind him he’s still there. “Shall I take over directing for a bit?”

Sighing, Jihoon sits back in his stool and lays the items in his lap, staring at them like he doesn’t know what to do with them. “Please.” His voice comes out quiet, small.

Wonwoo nods and pats his knee. “Do whatever you need to do.”

Jihoon is starting to think that resonates with him: do whatever he needs to do, do whatever he thinks is right. Maybe it should be his new motto.

Jihoon picks up the ring box, feeling the velvet run smoothly beneath the pads of his fingers. It’s a royal red, luxurious, and it definitely doesn’t feel like it came from just any jewelry shop. When he opens it, a golden ring glints back shyly at him, with _Nini_ engraved on the very top.

Only _one_ person calls him Nini.

Throat swollen, breath catching, Jihoon’s hand tightens around the envelope he’s holding. _What the hell is this…?_

Slowly, ever so slowly, he tears open the envelope and peers inside. There’s a folded note inside, along with two lone slips of thick paper. Jihoon takes out the folded note out first, fingers shaking as he unravels it to read what’s written inside.

> _Jihoon,_
> 
> _I’m starting to think this was a bad idea, haha. I know I’m impulsive. I know that I do things without thinking of all the possible outcomes. I know I hurt people without meaning to, but I’m stupidly stubborn._
> 
> _You haven’t shown any signs that you’ve acknowledged these gifts, and if you did, maybe you’ve kept rejecting them and I’m just oblivious. This will be the last one from me. If I receive no response, I’ll stop trying like I should’ve done when we agreed to be acquaintances._
> 
> _You’re probably wondering why I’m still doing this. Short answer? I can’t let go of you. Long answer? Well._
> 
> _It’s hypocritical of me, isn’t it? It’s selfish of me, right? I’m the one who hurt you yet I keep coming back to you. Is it creepy to say that I’m always thinking of you nowadays? How are you? Are you eating full meals that don’t just consist of cola and ramen? Are you getting a proper eight hours of sleep instead of passing out in the middle of what you’re doing? Are you and Wonwoo getting along again? Did you meet someone else already ― someone who you trust wholeheartedly and can communicate with?_
> 
> _Did you move on already? Is that why you’re rejecting me?_
> 
> _Truthfully speaking, I can’t move on. I hurt you so much, yet I still want us. I want us to be boyfriends again. I want us to be fiancé’s. I want to be called your husband. It’s selfish, right? The talk we had over breakfast the morning after we made love didn’t feel satisfactory to me, if I’m being honest. I just need more confirmation, and this is my way of doing it._
> 
> _As I’m writing this, I can’t help but think that maybe this is wrong of me, how I’m trying to pursue you despite everything that happened. Of course, you don’t have to accept my advances. You don’t have to acknowledge me at all. I guess this is just my way of putting it out there that I’ll be waiting for you no matter how long it takes._
> 
> _I should let go, right? I should let you be happy with someone else who can treat you better. But I can’t. Even up to this point, this whole thing still feels right to me. It sounds pathetic now, but it’s the truth._
> 
> _Well, my hand is cramping up right now so I’ll wrap this up quickly._
> 
> _I will never stop loving you, Nini. Even after our breakup, I always had the urge to call you and ask you to take me back, but I was a coward. If you want us again like I do, I will make up for everything I’ve made you suffer through. I will still continue to make it up to you even if you choose to forgive me, because you deserve it._
> 
> _If you reciprocate my feelings, or even if you have something to say to me, you’ll know where to meet me tomorrow._
> 
> _Love always,_
> 
> _Nyong_

Jihoon hastily reaches into the envelope and grabs the two slips of paper, fingers shaking as he reads what’s written.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End.
> 
> Just joking.
> 
> There's a next chapter button :)
> 
> Final thoughts will be wrapped up there <3
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mistehri)  
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.qa/mistehri)
> 
> As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading! ❤


	4. That's a Wrap!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon realizes a thing or two about the journey of healing, and he finds comfort in one person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to mention that the only reason I decided to split this into two parts is because it got way too long, hehe. Hence last chapter was 13k words and this one will be 8k. I just know moots are laughing at me now because I said it would only be 3 chapters ><
> 
> Enjoy reading! ❤

Japan is beautiful. 

Calm, serene, peaceful ― it’s everything that Jihoon could’ve imagined. For once, everything that had gone wrong in his life suddenly seems to fall right into place. All the numb emptiness he’d felt for the past few months feels like it was never there to begin with. He feels refreshed, like he’s ready to dominate the world.

He shoves his hands in his jacket pockets with a shiver, breath fogging up in front of him every time he exhales. It’s transitioning into the colder season of fall, and he’s reminded of how much he _hates_ going outdoors.

The beautiful sightseeing makes up for his introverted self though. The trees are blooming in shades of reds, oranges, yellows, and browns. Autumn leaves swirl and dance across the concrete with no particular path. It reminds Jihoon very much of himself ― messy, unorganized, going through life without much thought.

He _still_ doesn’t have a way through life. For now, living in the moment seems to be the best thing for him to do. His life has been full of schedules and planning as of late, with barely any time to himself. 

Maybe just this once, he’ll think about what _he_ wants to do.

“I still can’t believe you came.”

Jihoon glances at Soonyoung, then quickly averts his gaze to the path they’re walking on with a casual shrug. He tries to convince himself that his ears are turning red because of the cold weather, but deep down inside, he knows that’s not true. 

He had impulsively decided to meet up with Soonyoung the day after he’d received the letter and the plane tickets. He packed a small bag enough to last two days, but he wasn’t expecting for him and Soonyoung to stay for the whole _week._ Needless to say, he was very underprepared.

Soonyoung seemed pleasantly surprised when he arrived. He was already fully packed and ready to go with two small luggages by his feet. He was surrounded by who looked to be his staff and stylists, and Jihoon recognized his manager, Hong Joshua, also waiting beside him. It seemed like they’d been expecting his arrival.

Although Soonyoung did a good job at hiding it, Jihoon could clearly see the shy sort of happiness in his eyes when their eyes met that moment. He could see his eyes curve up, smile hidden by his mask. Jihoon couldn’t deny the warmth that spread throughout his chest at the sight, so he didn’t say anything and only merely smiled behind his own mask.

The flight to Japan went smoothly considering Soonyoung had booked them first class tickets. Jihoon shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was considering Soonyoung is an idol, and he could probably afford _anything_ if he wanted to.

They booked into a hotel yesterday with separate rooms across from each other, and it was then did Jihoon realize _just_ how underprepared he was. He’d only packed two outfits in total and if he was going to make it throughout the rest of the week, he’d have to do laundry twice more.

So it was unexpected when Soonyoung came over with a bag full of _his_ clothes, a sheepish smile, and a mutter of, “You can use my clothes. I overpacked anyway.”

So now, as they’re walking through the park, and Jihoon is adoring one of Soonyoung’s thick hoodies layered underneath his own jacket. It’s normal, he reasons. He doesn’t have to feel embarrassed about something that they used to do often.

“It just feels surreal to me,” Soonyoung confesses, bringing Jihoon back from his thoughts. “I was expecting to come here alone.”

Jihoon licks his chapped lips. “Well, I’m here now.”

“Yeah.”

Silence falls between them awkwardly and Jihoon licks his lips again, unsure if this is his cue to continue the conversation. He racks his mind for something to say, but his mouth ends up doing the action before he can stop himself.

“I didn’t think it was you at first,” he admits. “I thought it was Daniel who kept sending me gifts.”

“Oh?” Soonyoung makes a confused noise. “So that’s why you didn’t give me an answer? You thought it was Daniel?” 

“Yeah,” Jihoon says sheepishly. “The first gift I received from you was a bouquet of roses. You only signed off with a K, so I assumed it stood for Kang, which is Daniel’s surname. The thought of you sending it didn’t cross my mind because we’d already agreed to become acquaintances…” Jihoon gestures between them, “...but then this happened.”

Soonyoung looks like the sheepish one this time. He reaches up to scratch his nape. “Yeah. I think I’ve explained why in my letter, or did you not read that one?”

“I did,” Jihoon clarifies. “That’s why we’re here now. How else would I have been able to go on this Japan trip with you?”

“Touche.”

The silence falls between them again but it’s lighter this time, not awkward. It’s then does Jihoon realize he doesn’t exactly know where they’re going.

“Soonyoung...where are we going?”

Soonyoung hums. “I thought we could just go for a walk,” is what he says. “Go sightseeing, have lunch...you know, just something to get our minds off our everyday lives for once.”

“Ah.”

Really, Jihoon isn’t opposed to going sightseeing or having lunch together with Soonyoung. Maybe he’s a little concerned about Soonyoung’s safety considering how popular he is amongst Japan. They may be wearing masks, but it still makes Jihoon feel uneasy.

“Or we can just go back to the hotel and rest up,” Soonyoung offers kindly, turning his head to peer at him. “You do seem tired, Jihoon.”

“No, it’s fine.” Jihoon immediately turns down the idea. “We can go sightseeing. I haven’t been to Japan much but you’re a frequent visitor here, aren’t you?”

Soonyoung sems to brighten up at that. “Yeah. The sights in Japan are really pretty. Maybe I can take you to a few places…?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

And so they go sightseeing. Soonyoung takes him to some of the most beautiful places Jihoon’s ever had the pleasure of seeing. There are times where Soonyoung will talk about the history of buildings they pass by, and his eyes are always alight with such passion when he speaks that Jihoon finds himself intrigued every single time, even if he hates history with a passion.

History has never gotten him anywhere anyway.

They walk around for hours, and when the sun begins to set and paint the sky in hues of oranges and purples and pinks, Jihoon doesn’t even take notice. He’d forgotten how much fun it was to spend time with Soonyoung like this without the heavy weight of holding a grudge.

“Oh, it’s getting pretty late,” Soonyoung observes when he checks his phone. “Shua-hyung just texted and told me to come back to the hotel. Maybe we can eat dinner. The hotel we’re staying at has the best takoyaki.”

“Sounds good,” Jihoon agrees, admiring the scenery around him a bit more. He’ll have to remind himself to come to Japan more often when he has the time.

Soonyoung watches him quietly, lets him take his time to look around. Jihoon doesn’t have the courage to look at him. He knows Soonyoung shines more brightly than the sun setting behind him, but he doesn’t want to admit it to himself.

They walk back from the direction they came from, a peaceful silence settling between them again. Somehow it feels nostalgic, even though Jihoon can’t recall if he’s ever done this with Soonyoung before.

With the help of Soonyoung’s superb Japanese skills, they manage to hail a taxi the rest of the way back to the hotel. The ride is quiet for the most part, but they manage to strike a conversation with each other when Soonyoung asks him what he wants to do tomorrow, to which Jihoon simply answers with a short, “Rest.”

They meet up with Joshua back at the hotel in half an hour and by then, night had already fallen. They have dinner together in Joshua’s room, and much to Jihoon’s dismay and guilt, Joshua is a lot nicer than he gives him credit for.

Joshua initiates the conversations, leaving room for Soonyoung and Jihoon to butt in. He’s laid back and easygoing, and he knows how to keep the atmosphere from getting awkward again. It makes Jihoon feel guilty for thinking otherwise.

Dinner goes by smoothly, and Soonyoung and Jihoon walk back to their rooms together respectively. After bidding a rather awkward goodbye that consists of curt nodding and lopsided smiles, Jihoon closes the door behind him and blows out a sigh. 

He feels... _good._ He can’t remember the last time he’s felt so liberated, and he’s surprisingly excited to see what else this week has in store for them. 

The next few days consist of trying out some new Japanese dishes that Soonyoung’s been _begging_ him to try, more sightseeing, and genuinely getting the overall Japan experience. 

It’s fun, he’ll admit, but his energy is starting to wear thin by the sixth day, so he tells Soonyoung as much and that he’ll take this day for himself.

He hasn’t done much, if he were being honest. Other than contacting Wonwoo to make sure he’s handling the directing well ― Wonwoo had seemed _oddly_ ecstatic when Jihoon told him he’d accept Soonyoung’s offer to fly to Japan ― and lazing around to watch some anime on the television, he hasn’t really done anything.

He’s scrolling through his phone when he hears a knock on the door. He looks up in confusion, then flickers his gaze towards the top of his phone. It’s 6:36 p.m. and the sky is already dark. He doesn’t recall ever eating at this early hour, so Joshua coming in to tell him to eat dinner is out of the question.

Still, despite his sluggish limbs, he slips out of bed and places his phone on the nightstand. He walks up to the door and opens it, completely unprepared to see Soonyoung on the other side holding a bag of takeout in one hand and his laptop in another.

“I thought we could ― ” Soonyoung begins, but then falters when his eyes flicker down. “Oh. Um. My...shirt. You’re wearing my shirt.” He says it like it’s a statement.

Jihoon immediately ducks his head to hide a blush. He’d forgotten that he ran out of clothes so he had to resort to using one of Soonyoung’s. 

_It’s normal,_ he thinks within reason. _This is normal._

“Sorry,” he apologizes. “I didn’t pack any other outfit so I just used the ones you handed me.”

Soonyoung stares at him for a moment or two, then coughs and nods understandingly. “Right, yeah, no ― that’s fine. I was just surprised. Anyway.” The sudden topic change isn’t unwelcomed. Soonyoung lifts the bag of takeout. “I thought we could eat dinner together since I’m planning on taking you sightseeing again tomorrow. There’s one more stop I want to go to before we fly back to South Korea.”

“Oh, sure. Sounds good,” Jihoon replies like he always does, opening the door wider and inviting the idol in. “Where to?”

“Secret,” Soonyoung says with a playful tone. He hops on Jihoon’s bed and sets the laptop and bag down, taking out the boxes and setting up the chopsticks. “Let’s watch something. What do you think?”

Jihoon clambers next to him and reaches for a pair of chopsticks to break apart. “Anything is fine with me,” he says truthfully. “Maybe we can watch Toradora?”

“Toradora it is,” Soonyoung declares, opening his laptop and flickering through the screen. 

A calm silence ensues between them. Jihoon opens one of the boxes and is immediately hit with the smell of goodness. “Did Joshua eat already?”

“Hmm?” Soonyoung seems intently focused on the screen. “I don’t think so. I just told him I’d order something for us and I delivered him something. He said he was going to sleep in since tomorrow is our last day and he wants to make it worth while.”

“I see…”

It isn’t long until Soonyoung plays an episode and gets to digging into his own box of takeout. He’s loud when he eats but Jihoon doesn’t particularly mind when he’s putting all his focus into watching the scene playing in front of them.

The anime is cute. Taiga reminds Jihoon a lot of himself ― fierce, passionate, a total tsundere. When people first see this anime, they might think Taiga is a total hothead, but Jihoon doesn’t see it that way. He sees a facade, someone trying to hide their insecurities behind an angry demeanor, much like himself.

Ryuuji is actually a lot like Soonyoung in a lot of ways ― introverted and doesn’t like talking to strangers. He’s the only one who knows how to calm Jihoon down when he’s riding high on anger.

Jihoon doesn’t know how much time has passed until they’ve gotten to the last episode. When he looks at the clock, it’s already 11:30 p.m.. They’ve been watching for five hours now. He’d finished his takeout box a little while ago but he never actually made a move to throw it away just yet.

He glances over at Soonyoung and finds the idol deeply invested in the particular scene they’re watching. Quietly, Jihoon places his empty takeout box back into the bag and leans back against the headboard, tired.

“You know, you’re a lot like Ryuuji,” Soonyoung mumbles, and it makes Jihoon look at him in surprise. “Quiet, unsure, always flustered.”

Jihoon blinks, returning his attention back to the scene. “Really? I thought I would’ve been a lot more like Taiga,” he says. “Hot tempered, impatient, lost…”

Soonyoung turns to him then. “Well, you’re not wrong but ― you have a little something here, Jihoon.” He gestures to the corner of his lip. 

Jihoon blinks again, slowly reaching up to wipe his lip. “Did I get it?”

“It’s still there.”

Jihoon swipes a thumb over his lip again. “Now?”

“No.” Soonyoung smiles fondly. “Still there.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, Jihoon rubs the back of his hand against his lips. “Did I get it now?”

“No, it’s ― ” Soonyoung leans over and plucks off a piece of rice from the corner of his lip. “Right here.”

“Oh...t-thanks,” Jihoon says, flustered.

His eyes flicker down to Soonyoung’s plush lips out of reflex, not knowing where to set his gaze on. He feels a little bothered by the sudden close distance between them, not knowing how to react. Maybe it’s because they’re _acquaintances_ that he feels surprised by what just happened. Strictly _acquaintances._

As if catching his gaze, Soonyoung licks his lips, making them appear more vibrant than before. 

“No problem,” he says, voice suddenly sounding husky. Thankfully, he pulls away.

Jihoon swallows subtly, feeling his ears turn hot as he looks away. He licks his own lips, fingers twitching where they grip the sheets around him. The air suddenly seems tense between them. He doesn’t know if he should call it a night or keep watching until the end.

Apparently, seeing Taiga and Ryuuji share their first kiss together is his call to get out and distract himself.

“I’m just gonna go shower,” Jihoon says rather awkwardly.

Soonyoung glances at him for a second and nods. “Okay. I’ll just clean up.”

Jihoon nods and swings his legs over the bed, heart pounding too hard for someone he even attempted to consider an acquaintance. He heads into the bathroom without a second thought, too eager to get out of the weird atmosphere that he hasn’t considered getting clothes.

As he showers, he tries his hardest to make his mind go blank. His thoughts are currently filled with images of Soonyoung’s lips and how dark his eyes had been when they stared at each other for that split second. He tries so desperately to get his mind off him but every time he closes his eyes, all he can see is Soonyoung, Soonyoung, _Soonyoung._

 _God damn it,_ Jihoon thinks to himself when he sees he’s already half hard. _We’re acquaintances. Acquaintances, Jihoon. Just acquaintances. Why are you suddenly getting horny?_

He turns the shower handler until the water gets colder and colder. His body cools down but his mind doesn’t clear up. Instead, the coldness just seems to remind him of how warm Soonyoung’s body is, and how nice it would be to have his body pressed up against his.

Jihoon groans and shuts off the faucet, blinking the water out of his eyes. He rubs a hand down his face and reaches for a towel, drying himself off and stepping out of the shower. He’s about to reach for his clothes when realization hits him. 

He didn’t bring any clothes.

“For fuck’s sake,” he grumbles, wrapping the towel around his waist and inhaling deeply. He takes a step closer towards the door. “Hey, uh...Soonyoung?”

There’s no response.

Jihoon licks his lips. “Soonyoung?” he tries again.

Still no response.

Unlocking the door hesitantly, Jihoon pokes his head out and peers outside. The bed is fixed and there’s no plastic bags of takeout to be found. Soonyoung must’ve returned back to his room for the night, and Jihoon doesn’t know whether he should feel relieved or not.

Sighing, he exits the bathroom and goes into the closet where he’s unpacked his clothes into. He takes out a pair of boxers and pulls them on, reaching in for one of Soonyoung’s shirts he’s been handed.

He’s just finished pulling his boxers on when the front door suddenly swings open. His head snaps up, face paling before it quickly reddens.

“Hey, Jihoon, I was wondering if I could ― ”

The words on Soonyoung’s tongue die the moment their eyes meet.

A thickening silence gradually stretches between them.

Jihoon stares at him, mouth opening although nothing comes out. Really, what is he even supposed to say in a situation like this? Even Soonyoung looks like he doesn’t know what to do, and Jihoon doesn’t know how to feel about that.

“Close the door.” It’s meant to come out angrier but his statement sounds weak instead. 

Nonetheless, Soonyoung obeys and shuts the door behind him, not taking his eyes off Jihoon. The director feels goosebumps spread throughout his body but for some reason, he can’t detach his gaze from the expression on Soonyoung’s face.

“What did you come here for?” Jihoon asks, tongue thick in his mouth.

Soonyoung licks his lips and the movement doesn’t go unnoticed. “I was gonna ask if I could maybe sleep here,” he says slowly, eyes flickering down Jihoon’s torso. Jihoon suddenly has the urge to cover himself up. “They’re cleaning my room.”

It sounds like an excuse. “They’re...cleaning your room.” It comes out more as a statement than it’s meant to.

Soonyoung doesn’t confirm nor deny. “So...am I allowed to sleep here?”

Jihoon breaks their eye contact. “There’s only one bed.”

“And?”

 _So he wants to do it like this,_ Jihoon thinks faintly, swallowing hard. _Okay. It’s normal. We used to do this all the time._

Jihoon jerks his head back towards the bed and avoids his eyes. “Make yourself at home,” he mutters, fingers threading against the material of his shirt. He should really put it on right now but for some reason, the feeling of Soonyoung’s eyes on him makes him want to stall just a little bit longer. 

He tries not to tense up when Soonyoung walks behind him, breath stilting reflexively as he experiences a moment of body heat from the idol. He catches a whiff of his scent and twitches, suddenly nervous.

He puts on his shirt swiftly and rolls his shoulders back, trying to ease the tension out of them.

“Actually,” Soonyoung says abruptly, nearly making him jump. “Do you mind if I shower?”

“Uh,” Jihoon utters, caught off guard. “No, go ahead.”

“You still have some of my clothes, right?”

Jihoon nods his head towards the closet. “In there.”

“Great, thanks,” Soonyoung mutters thankfully, walking over and pulling out a plain shirt and sweatpants. He looks distracted and Jihoon isn’t sure if he wants to know what’s on his mind.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna ― ” He jerks a thumb back at the bed, “ ― sleep.”

“Yeah, okay,” Soonyoung hums. “Thanks again, Jihoon.” With that, he closes the bathroom door behind him, leaving Jihoon alone with his thoughts.

 _What is he thanking me for?_ he thinks to himself, shaking his head. He lets out a sigh and turns around to clamber on the bed once he hears the shower running. _This feels so weird…_

Seconds pass, seconds that feel like minutes, and minutes pass, minutes that feel like hours. Jihoon tries to fall asleep, he really does, but the memory of Soonyoung’s eyes practically _roaming_ down his body haunts his mind. He can still feel his eyes, as if they’re _literally_ rolling down his body. He shivers at the thought.

“Damn it,” he curses quietly when he feels his hardness pressing against his thigh. Even after years of separation, Soonyoung still has that same effect on him.

He licks his lips, internally debating if he has enough time to get himself off before Soonyoung finishes his shower. 

_Then I’d need to clean myself off,_ he thinks in frustration. _Soonyoung only takes three minute showers if I remember correctly. Ughhh. What to do…_

In the end, he ultimately decides to ignore it because ignorance is bliss, right? If he ignores it, maybe it’ll go away. So that’s what he does.

He shuts his eyes and pulls the blankets over his body, turning over to prevent his erection from being too noticeable. The sound of the shower running helps a little to soothe him. After the breakup with Soonyoung and having no other heartbeat to lull him to sleep, he used rainy days as his escape.

 _Soonyoung is in there,_ his mind whispers traitorously. 

He grumbles to himself, shoving his face in a pillow as if that would help block out the voices in his head. Needless to say, it doesn’t.

He’s a few minutes in his process of trying to sleep when he hears something odd coming from the bathroom. He ignores it at first, but then it comes again, then once more when he thinks it’s gone. It takes him a moment to recognize what it is, and he feels himself twitch at the realization.

“God damn it,” he hisses quietly, rolling over on his stomach. He breathes in the scent of the hotel pillows and tries to focus on how it smells like fresh laundry and how he’d _hate_ to ruin it.

 _Distraction, distraction, distraction,_ he chants repeatedly to himself. _Don’t move. Don’t think. Don’t do._

Another deep noise emits from the bathroom, and then a gasp, and Jihoon clenches his fists tight around the sheets, squeezing his eyes shut. Ignorance is bliss and he has to remember that or he’ll lose his mind completely. 

The shower turns off a few seconds later and Jihoon finds himself struggling not to make his eyelids twitch. Trying to pretend to be asleep is harder than falling asleep itself.

He tries to make sure his face is relaxed and that his breathing is even when he hears the door open. He tries to keep his body as still as possible, features half hidden by the pillow he’s stuffing his face in. He _cannot_ slip up.

The bed dips, and he can feel Soonyoung’s presence just a few inches next to him. The air shifts heavily into something more tense and Jihoon has to count numbers in his head to calm down.

Silence stretches out between them, and for a moment, Jihoon thinks he’s safe.

Then ― 

“I know you’re awake, Jihoon.”

_Fuck._

Jihoon opens his eyes but doesn’t dare turn around. How is he supposed to look at Soonyoung after what happened?

“Did you hear?”

Shutting his eyes again, Jihoon swallows and licks his lips. “Maybe.”

“Yes or no?”

He stays quiet but that seems to be all the answers that Soonyoung needs to confirm that he did, indeed, hear him jacking off in the shower.

“Are you…?”

“Go to sleep, Soonyoung,” Jihoon says roughly, pulling the blankets tighter around him. “It’s our last day tomorrow and you wanted us to go somewhere, right? If that’s the case, then we better sleep now.”

Soonyoung falls quiet beside him and Jihoon tries to convince himself that he’s taken his words seriously and fallen asleep. 

He doesn’t know how long he waits until he moves. All he knows is that his arm is becoming sore from resting his weight on it, and that his dick is still _fucking standing_ and he’s so _god damn_ sensitive that the ache is starting to become unbearable. If he doesn’t do something now, he’ll be suffering for the next hour or so.

Trying to convince himself that Soonyoung is really sleeping judging by his deep breaths, Jihoon tentatively reaches out for his phone and opens it to check the time. It’s 1:38 a.m. so it’s definitely been a few hours since their short conversation.

Quietly, as slowly as he can, he pushes himself up from the bed, nearly sighing out in relief when the ache in his bice dissipates. He runs a hand through his hair and looks down at his obvious erection.

He doesn’t know why he’s so affected when he and Soonyoung have been separated for months now and years before. He doesn’t understand it at all, especially when _he’d_ been the one to put the acquaintance label on them.

 _Is this really what I want?_ he ponders to himself, brushing a hand over his thigh and shivering when he feels himself twitch. _We’ve been apart for a few months...I feel good...Are we moving too fast?_

Sighing out softly, he makes a move to stand up when he feels a hand wrap around his wrist and tug him back.

With a surprised noise, he falls back and lands against a firm chest, and he doesn’t need to look to know who it is. There’s only two people in the room, and he’d know the feeling of this familiar touch anywhere.

“Soonyoung ― ”

“Jihoon, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Soonyoung breathes behind him. “It’s so hard being away from you and ever since you met me at the airport, I can’t help but keep thinking that maybe...maybe you want the same thing that I do.”

Jihoon’s breath hitches. He suddenly finds his world tipped over for a split second. His body sinks against the mattress and Soonyoung pins his arms above his head, holding him captive as his vision begins to fill with Soonyoung.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung whispers, pupils dilating. “What do you want?”

“I ― ” Jihoon’s tongue swells up, caught off guard by the sudden position. Why is his chest suddenly tingling so much?

“Let me change the question.” Soonyoung rolls his hips over Jihoon’s, eliciting a gasp from the younger man. “Does this feel right to you?”

“I…” Jihoon’s head is swimming, already overloaded with pleasure from a small grind of their hips. “Soonyoung…”

Soonyoung dips his head down and presses his lips against Jihoon’s exposed collarbone, making him shiver at the sensation. It’s small and wet and _achingly_ soft and Jihoon just wants _more._

“Does this feel right to you?”

Jihoon makes an almost inaudible noise at the back of his throat, lips feeling chapped and words taken from his mouth. Saying something with Soonyoung’s lips so _damn_ close to where he wants it is near impossible.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung breathes, dragging his lips up the column of Jihoon’s neck. “Jihoon, tell me.”

“I ― ” Jihoon tries again, but he gets tongue-tied instead, especially when Soonyoung presses his lips against his Adam’s apple. “It feels...It... _Soonyoung…”_

Soonyoung pulls away slightly, enough so Jihoon can see his barely swollen lips and blown pupils. He’s breathing heavier than he did before, sharp yet heated gaze locking Jihoon in place and making him feel that same tingling feeling.

He looks like the epitome of _Eros._

“Does this feel right to you, Jihoon?” And before Jihoon can answer, Soonyoung swoops down and presses their lips firmly together. 

The kiss is neither gentle nor rough. It’s heated and fierce but their lips move languidly against each other, pliant and familiar and locking like pieces of a puzzle. Jihoon is drowning, he’s sure of it. Senses clogged, body tingling, all he can focus on is Soonyoung. The way he moves, how soft his lips are, his earthy scent — he just can’t get enough.

Soonyoung pulls away from him with a soft gasp and a tug to his bottom lip. Jihoon is panting, fingers itching with the urge to roam them down Soonyoung’s body and claim him as his. He licks his lips, catching remnants of Soonyoung on them. 

“Does it feel right to you?” Soonyoung asks again, tilting his head. The small gesture makes his eyes appear darker. 

Jihoon knows the question has a double meaning behind it, and whether or not he’ll regret his decision is worth risking for a decision he’s about to make now.

“Yes,” he breathes, and it’s like every nerve inside his body just _ignites._ “Yes...yes, it...it feels right — “

Before he can finish, Soonyoung dives down and claims his lips again. 

This time the kiss is more fierce, more wet, more lewd. The moment Soonyoung releases his wrists, Jihoon immediately latches onto his hair and shoulder, hands trying to find purchase anywhere they can, subtly claiming Soonyoung as his and his _alone_.

Jihoon tugs at his dark strands, making Soonyoung let out a deep groan that resonates between them. He opens his mouth submissively, the concept of breathing long forgotten to him the moment he feels Soonyoung’s hot tongue sliding over his.

In the midst of what’s happening between their lips, Soonyoung somehow manages to hook both of Jihoon’s legs around his waist. He pushes his hips down, pressing their lower halves flush together and pulling back only to do it over and over again. 

Jihoon whimpers, legs tightening where they’re slung around Soonyoung’s hips. Soonyoung licks into his mouth hotly, pushing his tongue back into its place and tilting his head for a better angle.

Jihoon squirms, cheeks flushed red and his whole body feeling as though he’d set himself on fire. He feels so numb in the best way possible and his heart is pounding feverishly, sounding loud in his ears. The fire in the pit of his stomach roars to life, powered by the onslaught of sensual movement and making every molecule in his body burst with fervor.

Finally, when the ache in his lungs begin to get too much, he pulls away with a slick _pop_ and a sharp gasp, chest heaving for air. Despite the break between their lips, Soonyoung keeps his attached to Jihoon’s skin, lowering his head to kiss and lick across the expanse of the column of Jihoon’s neck. His tongue feels searingly hot against his skin, and it makes Jihoon feel like he’s in a sauna.

He moans when he feels Soonyoung’s hand slip beneath his (read: Soonyoung’s) shirt to graze against the hard ridges of his body. He pulls taut, shivering when he feels the pads of Soonyoung’s fingers brush against his nipple.

“Soonyoung,” he says breathlessly, arching his back when Soonyoung takes the nub between his fingers and begins teasing. _“Soonyoung.”_

Soonyoung doesn’t respond to him, too busy sucking a hickey on his collarbone and claiming what’s his. Jihoon feels like he’s losing his mind and they’ve _barely_ started the real action.

Then Soonyoung twists his wrist, grabs the collar of the shirt from beneath, and tugs hard enough to rip it off Jihoon’s body.

Jihoon startles at the sudden movement, feeling his dick jerk in his boxers, interested. He shivers as the cold air melts into his skin and he feels goosebumps prickle over his body when Soonyoung pulls back momentarily to roam his eyes down and take him in. He flushes hotly, face reddening and the redness spreading down towards his chest.

“Beautiful,” Soonyoung whispers, running his hand down Jihoon’s abs. “Goodness, Jihoon. I just want to come…” He leans down and nips at Jihoon’s neck again, breath hot against his skin, “...all over you.”

Jihoon squeezes his eyes shut, feeling his dick twitch again at the thought. He isn’t _opposed_ to it, but the image of it is enough to get him all hot and bothered.

“Oh, what to do about you?” Soonyoung murmurs, sounding affectionate. “You’re so pretty but I’ll ruin you.”

“You...You ruined me a long time ago,” Jihoon says with a feisty edge, but Soonyoung simply smiles at him, unaffected. _Interesting._

“So should I fix you?” Soonyoung asks, mouthing along Jihoon’s jaw and pressing their hips flush together again. The action elicits a strong moan from the younger man. “Or should I ruin you even more? Which one is right to you?”

“Don’t try to fix me if you can’t fix yourself,” Jihoon whispers. “I want you to ruin me. Ruin me instead."

Soonyoung kisses him deeply. “Whatever you want.”

And so Soonyoung ruins him as he pleases, fitting his teeth wherever he sees fit and marking Jihoon’s body, marking, marking, _marking._ Jihoon is terribly responsive, arching up into Soonyoung’s mouth and gasping out the small vocabulary of words his mind has the strength to think of. 

Soonyoung preps him brutally, the pads of his fingers pressing against his prostate and massaging the small bundle of nerves. He keeps doing it, until Jihoon is writhing in the bed and coming hard on his stomach, quivering and chest flushed.

Soonyoung doesn’t stop there, of course. Jihoon asked to be ruined and _boy_ , is he _getting_ ruined.

Neither of them brought lube or condoms, which is understandable considering neither of them knew this was going to happen until now. Soonyoung didn’t know he would be coming along with him to Japan, and Jihoon didn’t know what they’d be doing in Japan. So they resort to using spit.

It’s rough, Jihoon will admit, but it’s the best thing they have right now, and frankly, he couldn’t care less. He just needs to have something inside him _now._

It’s messy and so, _so_ filthy. Jihoon feels like Soonyoung is staking his claim everywhere he can reach, and he definitely isn’t opposed to it. He just wants _more._

Despite the lack of lube, the feeling when Soonyoung slips inside him still feels as good as it did the first time they made love. It isn’t smooth, but every touch of Soonyoung’s skin against his lights a flame inside him. 

_Eros…_

_“Eros represents intense passion and desire for something. Sexual desire, attraction. It comes naturally to us as humans. It’s a primal instinct.”_

_Primal,_ Jihoon vaguely thinks, gasping out around a moan as Soonyoung pulls back and pushes in again, _is a good way to describe this feeling._

The heat in his stomach gradually begins to spiral. Soonyoung keeps their bodies pressed flush together as he rocks into Jihoon, lips attached to his skin and stealing away his breath every time. Every sensation makes Jihoon’s body feel like it’s floating. He’s lost his sense of direction the moment Soonyoung pinned him down.

At this point, Jihoon doesn’t care if he’s going back on his words. He _knows_ what feels right to him. He knows fate has a plan for them. He might not like it, or he may actually enjoy the journey but he’s certain of one thing.

He wants Soonyoung in his life.

It doesn’t take long, not nearly as long as Jihoon would’ve liked, before he comes untouched with a whimper and a whisper of Soonyoung’s name. Soonyoung doesn’t last too long after that, spilling heavily inside Jihoon with a broken groan and a sigh.

They stay like that for a moment, with Soonyoung’s body melding into Jihoon’s gradually as the strength in his arms begin to weaken. Jihoon, despite being breathless, lets him go lax against him, eyes closing shut as his hold around Soonyoung’s body loosens.

The silent music between them plays for a bit, tunes of their breathing and the night wind howling outside the window coming together to create a sweet lull between them. It feels melancholic, like they have all the time in the world to be figuring their shit out. Unfortunately, that’s not how life works.

“I’ll take you somewhere tomorrow,” Soonyoung mumbles into his neck, hand reaching down to brush against Jihoon’s side, like a reassurance.

“I know,” is what Jihoon replies back.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“I love you.”

Jihoon’s breath stutters. “I love you too,” he says, merely whispering. “...I always have...but…”

Soonyoung takes his face out of Jihoon’s neck and smiles gently at him. His eyes are kind, loving, all of the things Jihoon would’ve hated to see just a few months ago. 

“I know,” he murmurs.

And Jihoon relaxes again, taking comfort in those words. They’ll find their way again.

“Goodnight, Nyong,” he whispers, tenderly cupping Soonyoung’s cheek.

Soonyoung’s smile hurts. “Goodnight, Nini.”

Later in the morning, Jihoon will wake up in Soonyoung’s arms like he’s always been craving for. 

Later in the morning, Soonyoung will caress his face tenderly and whisper _good morning_ to him. 

Later that morning, they’ll stay in bed for a little longer, appreciating the silence between them.

Later that morning, they’ll listen to their stomachs growling and get out of bed with a silent request to shower together. 

Later that morning, Soonyoung will take him somewhere, and Jihoon can only hope and pray that it doesn’t end with him leaving again., because if there’s anything that he’s learned throughout the ups and downs of his relationship with Soonyoung, it’s that his other half doesn’t complete him the way he thought he would.

―

Out of all the places in Japan, Jihoon never thought Soonyoung would bring him to the Wisteria flower tunnel.

He isn’t sure what to think, but his hands are clamming up and his thoughts are running high on anxiety. He takes a glimpse at Soonyoung for an explanation but the idol doesn’t spare him a glance, walking calmly beside him as though they aren’t walking through what was supposed to be the _proposal_ destination.

Jihoon tries to calm down, he really does, but the anxiety begins making itself known again as they head deeper into the tunnel.

He feels Soonyoung thread their fingers together. 

“Calm down,” Soonyoung soothes, rubbing his thumb over the back of Jihoon’s hand. 

_How the hell am I supposed to calm down when we’re in the very destination I was supposed to propose to you in?_ Jihoon thinks bitterly. _How can I look at this place and think it would’ve been the most beautiful place to propose to you when we couldn’t even come here?_

He doesn’t say any of that though. He doesn’t want to ruin it. Whatever Soonyoung has planned for them must be really important for him to bring him here.

Jihoon takes a moment to calm down, breathing in the scent of flora and wisteria flowers hanging above them. It’s beautiful, he’ll admit, but it’s not how he imagined. He doesn’t know what’s wrong, but it doesn’t feel _right._

He wants to turn back around and walk away, but before he can say anything, Soonyoung speaks up.

“You know,” he starts. “I never imagined I’d be here one day, especially not without you. It almost feels surreal to be here right now. It’s beautiful here.”

Jihoon’s throat feels tight. “Yeah,” he utters.

Soonyoung flashes him a smile from behind his mask, but Jihoon can see the way his eyes curve up until they disappear into slants. He looks sincere. He always is.

“You really listen well to me, Nini,” Soonyoung says, a lot softer this time.

Jihoon tightens his hand around Soonyoung’s and looks away, uncomfortable. He knows Soonyoung is referring to the notes they sent each other. He knows Soonyoung’s referring to that one note where Jihoon specifically asked where he wanted to get proposed to. Somehow, the thought becomes scary.

“What are we doing here, Soonyoung?” he asks, almost forcefully. He just wants to get out. 

Soonyoung doesn’t answer him, squeezing his hand once instead and taking him aside near the fence. Jihoon follows, of course he does. He’ll follow Soonyoung like the fool he is, just like he waited three months for him to come back.

“I just want to thank you,” Soonyoung says, turning to face him. His eyes are intense, they always have been. He looks down and grabs Jihoon’s other hand. “That day...when you were planning to take us to Japan...you were planning on taking us here, weren’t you?”

The lump in Jihoon’s throat becomes bigger. “Yeah.” A whisper.

“You were going to propose to me, weren’t you?”

“...Yeah.” It sounds inaudible.

“Well.” Soonyoung reaches into his jacket pocket. “I want to do the same thing.”

Jihoon’s mind collapses completely. His eyes shoot up to stare at Soonyoung in disbelief, his peripheral vision catching sight of him taking out a small box from his jacket pocket. It looks like an engagement ring box, and it _terrifies_ Jihoon.

“It’s not an engagement ring,” Soonyoung clarifies upon seeing the bewildered look in his eyes. “I’m not dumb enough to make that mistake.”

“Well, I almost believed you there,” Jihoon croaks weakly, tongue thick.

Soonyoung chuckles a little, opening the box and revealing the ring before he takes Jihoon’s hand in his again.

“I know I ruined your plans of proposing to me,” Soonyoung says, voice softer this time. “If I hadn’t been so driven by my emotions then...we would’ve been married by now, maybe...maybe we would’ve even adopted kids already.”

Jihoon’s hands clam up again at the thought.

“So this is my promise to you,” Soonyoung says, voice suddenly becoming firmer. “I will wait for you to trust me again, no matter how long that may take. I won’t try to fix you, because only _you_ know what’s right for you. I will wait for you. I won’t go anywhere this time.”

Jihoon takes a moment to process the words, eyes staring blankly at the ring being held in front of him. If there’s one thing he remembers vividly about Soonyoung, it’s that he won’t make a promise unless he _knows_ he can keep it.

There’s something akin to determination in Soonyoung’s eyes. This is a promise that isn’t meant to be broken.

“Okay,” he breathes, and Soonyoung blinks.

“Okay?” he echoes, like he wasn’t expecting it to be that easy. “Does it…?”

_Does it feel right to you?_

“Yes,” Jihoon nods, feeling his chest warming up. “I mean, you wouldn’t have brought me a ticket to Japan, would you? You wouldn’t have brought a promise ring, right? You wouldn’t have gone through all this effort if you wanted to break me more.”

Soonyoung’s eyes curve up contagiously and Jihoon has to purse his lips to hide his own smile. He raises his hand up.

Eagerly, fingers quivering a little, Soonyoung takes the ring out of the box and slides it over Jihoon’s middle finger. They both look down at the sight. Somehow, the Wisteria flowers around them seem a lot more beautiful now. 

“One more thing,” Soonyoung says, looking shyer now. “Um...when you do trust me again, fully and wholeheartedly...I would like to visit eomma and appa again.”

It’s an instant reaction from Jihoon. 

Teary-eyed, smile big, breathless and emotional with a moment that couldn’t have been more perfect, he nods once and squeezes Soonyoung’s hand.

“I’m sure they’d be happy to see you,” he whispers. Soonyoung’s smile is contagious.

The Wisteria flowers sway gently above them, singing their tune sweetly. A new chapter has just begun for them.

  
  


―

**_4 years later_ **

  
  


“Nyong, are you ready?” Jihoon asks impatiently, checking his wristwatch. “Hurry up, I want to get there before the sun rises. We’re gonna spend the whole day there.”

Soonyoung stumbles down the stairs groggily, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes even though he’s dressed in a beige shirt and brown cardigan that just tugs at Jihoon’s heartstrings. The reality of where he’s about to bring Soonyoung is just beginning to hit him.

“Where are we even going?” Soonyoung croaks, glaring at Jihoon. “It’s, like, four in the morning, Nini.”

Jihoon smiles affectionately. “We’re gonna go on a picnic,” he tells him, lifting the large bag filled with picnic items in his hand. 

“A picnic,” Soonyoung says slowly, blinking. “We’re going on a picnic...at four in the morning?”

Jihoon nods. “You’ll like it, I promise.”

Soonyoung stares at him for a moment then rubs his eyes again with a sigh. “Whatever you want, Nini. Am I driving?”

“No.” Jihoon shakes his head and grabs the car keys. “I’m driving. I don’t want to spoil the surprise.”

“Wow, it must be a pretty big surprise if you’re this excited,” Soonyoung chuckles, walking over to kiss Jihoon’s forehead. “You good to go?”

“Yup.” Jihoon smiles. “Let’s go.”

The drive takes an hour from Jihoon’s condo. The whole time driving, Jihoon can’t stop his fingers from shaking. His heart is hammering wildly in his chest, but the expression on his face doesn’t match what he’s feeling inside now.

He and Soonyoung haven’t had much time with one another as of late, considering Jihoon is still in the process of filming Daniel’s music video and Soonyoung is busy with his promotions. This is one of the very few days they have together, and he intends on making this day as memorable as he can for the both of them.

The ride is quiet for the most part, mainly because Soonyoung keeps drifting in and out of sleep in the passenger’s seat. Jihoon tries to reassure him that it’ll take a moment before they arrive at their destination, but Soonyoung is stubborn and insists he’ll stay awake. Jihoon leaves him alone after that, but not without an affectionate sigh and a shake of his head.

Every once in a while, Soonyoung will attempt to strike a conversation, only for it to get shut down smoothly when he tries to get an answer out of Jihoon. His frustrated groans fill the car with Jihoon’s laughter.

Minutes later, they begin entering the destination. Everywhere they look, it’s full of flowers and little decorations. Jihoon instantly feels the shift in atmosphere, light but solemn.

Beside him, Soonyoung falls completely silent but Jihoon can almost see his shock.

“Jihoon…” he whispers, voice small and in disbelief.

Jihoon doesn’t say anything, instead taking one of his hands off from the steering wheel and reaching out to thread their fingers together. Soonyoung’s fingers are trembling against his, whether it’s from emotions or excitement, he doesn’t know.

A few more minutes of careful driving and Jihoon pulls up at the destination, turning the engine off and leaning back to calm down for a moment.

“Four years ago today, you gave me a promise ring,” Jihoon starts, looking at Soonyoung. “With that promise ring, you promised me that you’d wait for me. You’d wait for me to trust you again and you wouldn’t try to fix me. You asked me if we could visit my parents once I could bring myself to fully trust you…”

“Jihoon.” Soonyoung’s voice is tight, on the verge of breaking.

Jihoon simply smiles at him, kissing the back of his hand and opening the door. “Let’s go see them, shall we?”

After grabbing the picnic bag, he and Soonyoung both walk upon the grassy field, spaced evenly with tombstones and littered with bouquets of flowers and pieces of different offerings. It doesn’t feel like a sad atmosphere. There’s something gentle in the breeze that makes the whole scenery melancholic.

After a few more minutes of walking, Jihoon finally stops underneath a large tree and sets the bag down between two tombstones.

Soonyoung is quiet behind him, but he dutifully helps Jihoon lay the blanket over the grass. There must be a lot on his mind, Jihoon knows, but this is just the beginning of their journey to healing.

Once everything is set and they’re both sitting on the blanket, Jihoon folds his legs underneath him and faces the tombstones.

He feels Soonyoung shift closer to him, like he’s trying not to intrude but he simultaneously wants to give comfort to Jihoon. Jihoon simply moves aside a little and nods his head encouragingly towards the tombstones.

He sees Soonyoung swallow. 

“Uh,” he starts. “Eomma, appa...I’m...sorry I couldn’t be there during your last moments, but I’m even more sorry that I couldn’t be the comfort Nini needed when he needed me the most, but…” He glances at Jihoon and reaches out to squeeze his hand, then returns his gaze back to the tombstones, “...I will do my absolute hardest to make him happy again. And I hope you’ll rest easier knowing I’ll do my best to take good care of him.”

Jihoon smiles at him and takes a deep breath. “Eomma, appa,” he starts. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come visit sooner, but I was finally able to figure some stuff out, and...I didn’t want to visit you until I no longer felt like crying.” He looks at Soonyoung. “Now I no longer feel alone.”

Soonyoung only gives him a teary smile.

“Eomma, appa,” Jihoon starts again with a soft chuckle. “Thank you for waiting for me, but you can rest peacefully knowing I’ll become a son you can be proud of. Don’t worry about me anymore. I’m in good hands.”

A moment passes, delicate. 

“Let’s eat?” Soonyoung nudges him.

Jihoon flashes him a genuine smile.

“Let’s.”

So they eat, talking softly and laughing quietly to fill in the melancholic feeling. And as the sun begins to rise above the hills, Jihoon’s life suddenly seems a lot brighter, warmer, _happier._

When he looks at the loving smile on Soonyoung’s face, he knows he’s made the right decision.

 _A new chapter for us,_ he thinks, meeting Soonyoung halfway for a gentle kiss. _Us against the world...once more._

“Nini, thank you so much,” Soonyoung whispers, nudging their noses together. “I love you.”

Jihoon tucks his head beneath Soonyoung’s, feeling the most peace he’s ever felt since their fallout. Years of pain and endurance, and now he’s here, about to start the life he’s always wanted with Soonyoung by his side and staying for always.

“I love you too,” he whispers back, genuine and true. 

The atmosphere shifts and the wind whispers soothingly against his skin, comforting. It feels like they're already tackling their first chapter together, and Jihoon couldn't be happier. He just knows that the first words are already beautiful.

 _Us,_ he thinks happily, feeling Soonyoung squeeze his hand. _Us,_ _again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, where to start?
> 
> First of all, thank you all so much for waiting a month for this update, huhu. This was supposed to be put out last week but my mind just kept imagining scenario after scenario and honestly? I wanted to give all the scenes the right vibes before I published this, huhuhu.
> 
> Now let's move onto the fic, huhu.
> 
> Firstly, no sad ending! Yehey! Haha, it honestly did cross my mind to write a sad ending but it didn't necessarily feel right to leave it like that. I feel like being with someone for 7+ years makes it harder to let go, no matter how much it hurts. Their relationship also wasn't really toxic if you think about it. They loved each other but it was just the lack of communication that broke them. Making a scene with a promise ring instead of an engagement was more reasonable. (Also, no bathroom proposal! Hahaha.)
> 
> Even if they did have sex, it also didn't feel right to have them jump into a relationship within a span of just a few months since they met again. To me, the more intimate parts were written not only to fit with the concept of Eros (which, tbh, this fic was supposed to be a LOT more sexier than this, lmao), but it was also written to help Jihoon realize what feels right for him.
> 
> Secondly, like I said, this fic was supposed to be a lot more sexier than this, but it turned out more angsty than I expected, lol. I don't really feel bad about that but I wish there were more sexy scenes considering Eros is quite a sexy concept, huhu. I hope you still enjoyed reading it though. I'm also sorry if the smut kind of sucked this time, but after writing Light a Flame, my ability to write smut just went downhill, HAHAHA.
> 
> Thirdly, this honestly wasn't supposed to end with them going to the cemetery to visit Jihoon's parents. It was supposed to end when Soonyoung gave Jihoon the promise ring. However, I thought it was important to showcase Jihoon taking Soonyoung to his parents just to show that they're starting a new chapter together, haha. Also, I think it went better than I expected because THAT LAST LINE, oh my god. Ironically enough, I think that's the line I'm most proud of, hehehe. Now I'm tearing up, oh god.
> 
> Also, sorry to all the Kang Daniel stans (idk your fandom name, huhu.) 
> 
> Overall, I think this was wrapped up the way I wanted it to. I honestly feel like Soonyoung and Jihoon's relationship was written out way more messier than I wanted it to but I'm proud. 
> 
> Finally, thank you again so much for waiting! You all are very much appreciated and your support means a lot! If you're somewhat disappointed by how this turned out, I'm sorry but I won't be changing anything <3 If you're relieved about the ending, so am I ><
> 
> Yet again, thanks for sticking with me through yet another AU, and I hope to see you all in my next one!
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mistehri)  
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.qa/mistehri)
> 
> As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading! ❤


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